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After playing this game for five minutes or so, I started feeling excited. It wasn’t the hilarious references to dialogue from previous King’s Quest titles, nor the reappearance of just about every main character from every King’s Quest title ever. It wasn’t even because Graham looks kinda like Michael Palin from Monty Python. No, I started feeling excited because The Silver Lining: Episode 1 is one of the most horrid games I’ve ever played, and I could barely wait to slag it off.

Not that I had long to wait, mind you, because completing this game involves picking up three (3) things, and talking to a bunch of people, and walking around for about twenty minutes. I say “walking around”, of course, but I really mean “pausing frequently to contemplate the uncompromising temperament of manifest reality and props” because the pathfinding algorithms were obviously coded by a damp brick blitzed on methamphetamines.

Probably the same damp brick blitzed on methamphetamines who committed these instantly quotable quotes to tragic posterity:

“The impressive and large suit-of-armour gives an imposing presence of guarding the hallway.”

“Something died here, even when he knows his children are still alive, something was cruelly murdered here when Rosella’s wedding ended in such tragedy.”

And the same damp brick blitzed on methamphetamines who hired the narrator’s dismally dismal voice actress.  And decided that nobody would notice the smudgy blots masquerading as texture work all over the show. And thought that “Graham” is pronounced “Gram”.

See, this is what happens when the sort of person who says stuff like ‘I CAN LIEK TO MAEK A GAEM LOL” actually makes a game. Or, more specifically, when loads of people who say stuff like “I CAN LIEK TO MAEK A GAEM LOL” team up and make the Voltron of indie game development disasters. You know what The Silver Lining: Episode 1 is? It’s King’s Quest fanfiction with bad 3D graphics. And Alexander doesn’t even get his togs off.

I appreciate this is an amateur project, and that it’s free to download and play, but that simply doesn’t make up for it being thoroughly and unremittingly dreadful in every way. Especially after almost a decade of development. It’s little wonder Activision stipulated they delete the “King’s Quest” bit of the title before allowing them to release this rubbish.

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