So did you hear Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 got user review-bombed over at Metacritic? Oh, you know how this goes – one of those popular brand games is launched to tremendous critical acclaim, but True GamerTM hates it, hates everything about it, hates the developer, hates the publisher, hates the so-called professional journalists who were paid heaps of cash and free jets to give it good reviews, hates the people who don’t hate it, hates you, hates the world, and probably also hates armfuls of kittens. On principle. Regardless of how good the game actually might be. Not that they’ve even played it, of course.

And in the case of Call of Duty, it’s always the same complaint – it’s rantrantrant, basically the same game that came out last year*, rantrantrant.

Which is hilarious, really, because meanwhile, back in reality, True GamerTM typically hates everything that’s new and innovative too.

RANTRANTRANT, WHY DOESN’T DIABLO III LOOK LIKE 1996, RANTRANTRANT, etc.

And when True GamerTM is done copy-pasting that opinion all over the internet, it’s straight back to de_dust because that’s totally not old yet.

I think that, if we were to plot exactly what it is that True GamerTM wants on a simple Choose Your Own Adventure-type chart, it would look something like this:

Is it pretty much exactly the same as this one game I used to love about twenty years ago that nobody else has ever even heard of but, man, they just don’t make them like they used to and I wish they did?

Yes! It’s not new or innovative, and I hate it.

No! It changed everything I loved about that game, and it totally sold out and it sucks and Bobby Kotick, even if Activision isn’t publishing, and I hate it.

I don’t know, but I hate it.

Pictured: True GamerTM

I’m not quite sure what it is that True GamerTM is expecting from the gaming industry, but it’s obviously nothing short of existential transcendence, and I’d imagine even that would be a disappointment somehow. Not transcendent enough, probably, and the whole thing just feels like a half-assed expansion for some lame mystical philosophy that’s been done better than this, like 2000 years ago already, and supported DX11**.

Or, basically, True GamerTM doesn’t really know what he wants, but he knows that he wants it right now, presumably so he can hate it anyway***.

By the way, if any of this describes you, this is also my subtly unsubtle way of asking you to stop being such a ballbag. In the meantime, I’ll be playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3, because I think it’s quite fun.

* Not that he played that one either.
** And he hates it.
*** Rantrantrant.