“Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere,” wrote the Persian poet and mystic Rumi. “They’re in each other all along.” Obviously he never met Princess Peach, who’s probably not even in the same castle as her would-be lover right now, or ever, because she’s been kidnapped by Bowser again. There’s hard to get, and then there’s Stockholm syndrome.

Forget about her then. Just like real life (according to the movies, anyway), your one true love could be the person you’d least expect, even when you’re staring at their bum for hours on end.

Dovahkiin (The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim)

"I might have to work late tonight, honey, but I'll bring you some lovely dragon bones."

He’s strong, silent, and starring in his own prophecy involving an ancient dragon-god of destruction that will consume the entire world if it’s not stopped, so he’s got big career prospects. He also knows how to forge a pretty decent iron dagger, so he’d probably be quite handy around the house. You know, if you’re ever hosting a dinner party and realise at the last moment that you’re all out of iron daggers. True story. Well, not really, but it could be.

Commander Shepard (Mass Effect)

Hide your iPad.

He’s got his own spaceship, and when he’s not out shopping around the Citadel, he’s busy saving the whole galaxy from an incursion of malevolent sentient robot-starships. That’s probably enough to make up for his kleptomania.

Chell (Portal)

First date advice: NOT the county potato fair.

You know upfront that she’s almost definitely insane, so that saves time. She’s also only ever had a painted box to love her, so her standards aren’t too high. About half a metre, more or less.

Isaac Clarke (Dead Space)

If your name's Nicole, consider changing it. That would be so awkward.

He’s got a bit of baggage, sure, but that sort of thing builds character – or breaks it down, but either way, you’ll never run out of stuff to talk about, or cry about for that matter. Hey, women are always saying they wished their men would show some more emotion, and when you think about it, there’s really not much difference between love and a serious psychological disturbance. Besides, if you ever contract necrotising faciitis, he knows a thing or two about emergency amputation.

Berserker (Gears of War)

She's just misunderstood.

So maybe she’s not conventionally attractive, but who wouldn’t instantly lose their heart to four tons of lumbering gristle and teeth, with the body tone of an Eastern bloc gymnast and the personality of a bag of crocodiles? They say love is blind, but so is she, which makes her… twice as lovable. Or something like that. I bet she’s real nice under all those emotional defence mechanisms, you’ve just got to get to know her a bit. Remember, sudden moves.