So apparently there’s a new Baldur’s Gate in development, which is grand news for everybody who loved the original, and terrible news for everybody who doesn’t want to see it reinvented as an FPS. Okay, so it’s probably not going to be an FPS, which is a bit of a shame because I think it would be super fun to empty a rocket launcher on a dragon. I mean, how much better would the Dungeons & Dragons system be with hand grenades and heavy artillery and orbital strikes? It would certainly save a lot of tedious mucking about with combat logistics. This is how things work in the future.

I use my spaceship-tank, the one with the anti-matter cannons, on the kobold.

But Baldur’s Gate isn’t the only classic game that could be 1000 times better with guns if they rebooted it now. Pretty much any game would be, but these ones in particular.

Black & White & Red

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger and this ballistic missile.

I suppose the creature is kind of cool, but wouldn’t your divine works be much better coordinated on the business end of a fully-automatic assault rifle? Faith is one thing, high velocity 5.56x45mm rounds are another, and you can actually see gunshot wounds which conveniently precludes all that dreary miracle-making stuff. You wouldn’t even have to bother converting villages, because you could just kill everybody instead – which makes it more realistic and historically accurate too. Who said games couldn’t teach you anything?

Age of Empires: Modern Warfare

Wololo, assholes.

Basically, you start off with wooden clubs and sharp sticks and pointy rocks, and work your way up to handheld star destroyers by killing entire civilisations throughout history. To keep things true to the original series, you also have to gather bullets from bullet-bushes.

Theme Park of Death

No, the chips aren't too salty. BECAUSE I SAID SO.

Some kid vomited on the path? Just imagine what a bit of corrective ballistics could do for visitor behaviour. Also, if people are going to get injured on your poorly maintained rides, it might as well be with C-4. In for a penny, as they say, in for a pound of plastic explosives. Or something like that.

Pac-Man Mega Terminal Prejudice Edition

Eeny, meeny...

Seems so obvious now, doesn’t it?

Quest for Glory: Seas of Blood

PRIORITY TARGET: AD AVIS, REGIONAL AL QAEDA COMMANDER.

Transforming old women into frogs, pushing creepy guys off buildings, and punching apes was just the beginning of something much, much greater for the Famous Aventurer’s Correspondence School’s most accomplished graduate. When a breakout faction of militant fundamentalist terrorists from Rasier threaten to nuke the Consolidated Territories of Americania, the hero must gather his wits, his courage, and his M16 to win the day for freedom and democracy and deep-fried hamburgers. Okay, maybe not this one so much.