As Gareth has already reported, the long awaited Grand Theft Auto Online stimulus package has been handed out to the players. The package is an apology to those inconvenienced by the numerous hiccups and clusterf**ks the multiplayer part of the game suffered after activation. I suffered too, so I gave a little giggle of joy when I saw the beautiful green font saying: +$500 001. So what did I do with this well deserved handout? Read on (CAUTION: GRATUITOUS SELFIES AHEAD).

vinewood

I bought a house in the hills

Wow, big surprise there. First thing I did was buy the Eclipse Tower apartment 31. Yes, the most expensive place in the game.

Eclipse towers

I warned you about the selfies.

 

$388k later (I got a 12k trade-in from my garage) and I’m the proud owner of a sweet pad. There’s an infinite bottle of whiskey, a bong, shower, and flatscreen TV with nothing good to watch. I was proud of it until an hour later, when my step-dad bought a cheaper, identical apartment but with bigger windows. The main draw was the ten-car garage, which I proceeded to stock with…

Two motorbikes

With motorbikes, more is better. So I picked up a Dinka TT and Shitzu Vader. One for street racing, the other for tearing-ass down Mount Chiliad.

GTA O in garage

And both for wrapping around palm-trees and small rocks.

Together they cost $21k, but after extensive modifications, I had spent at least another $40k on both of them. I would have spent more, but I’m a terrible racer and haven’t unlocked more upgrades. But what’s the good of having nice things if you don’t protect them? Which is why I bought…

Some groceries

By groceries I mean guns. High-powered ones that turn other players into little parts of other players.

Groceries

“I’ll take that one, and that one. Could you wrap them for me?”

I picked up a sniper rifle (plus suppressor and advanced scope), an extended clip for my assault rifle, and enough sticky bombs to protect all of my vehicles from theft. All in all, it wasn’t much. But I had been saving for the clip before the stimulus package and it’s really helped my deathmatch game.

To those following at home, I had about $20k left over. Wow, time flies when you’re spending money, eh? That’s why I bought…

A watch

There are only two in the game and I bought the more expensive one. It’s huge, blue, obnoxious and I would never wear it in real life. Perfect for an up-and-coming gangster.

Watches

The watch cost me money, the crazy-eyed stare was free.

So by now I had about $12k left. That money was burning a hole in my virtual pocket. So to give myself time to think about what I’ll spend it on, I decided to steal a jet and clear my head in the skies of Los Santos. After riding my new bike cross-country to Trevor’s airstrip, I walked to the waiting chopper and was immediately blindsided by another player and their car. As my character’s brain matter rained down on my bike, I decided to spend the last of my money on…

Cold blooded revenge

I phoned Lester and set a $10k price on my murderers head. Then I opened my map and watched as droves of other players flocked to the telltale red blip until it stopped blinking…

The best depiction of revenge I could capture in a selfie

The best depiction of revenge I could capture in a selfie.

Vengeance,and a certain degree of poverty, were mine.

So, from half a million to two thousand in just 20 minutes. I probably bought the same things as many other players, but I’m not too fussed. They were things I needed and my game is infinitely better because of the stimulus package. And it’s always refreshing when a game company can admit they made a mistake and apologise. With money.

So what about all you you? What did you buy?

 

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