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I only get to choose five? That’s like asking me to choose only five pizza toppings. But okay, let’s go.

 Gears of War

We've brought guns with chainsaws. You're welcome.

We’ve brought guns with chainsaws. You’re welcome.

My embarrassing secret (besides being a post-adolescent goth – I’ll deny that, though) is that I used to be one of those obnoxiously smug PC Master Race people. Then I played Gears of War on Xbox 360 and realised that super-buffered giga-megs were overrated, and couches are times-infinity better than desk chairs, anyway*. Although the original game feels clumsy now in comparison with the sequels, it’s always going to have a special place in my heart. Jammed right in the left ventricle, VREEEEEEEEEEEM.

When did I know it was love?

Guns. With chainsaws.

*Next-Gen Comfort Wars, coming soon.

Dead Space

There are five million necromorphs in this picture. Can you find them all?

There are five million necromorphs in this picture. Can you find them all?

Maybe it’s because Event Horizon is one of my favourite films ever, but Dead Space just instantly clicked with me. And I do mean “clicked”, because there’s never enough ammo in Dead Space and the all too frequent sound of a 211-V Plasma Cutter’s firing mechanism turning over on an empty cartridge was probably the most terrifying thing in the game.

When did I know it was love?

Near the start of the game, you enter a sort of hangar bay where a tram cart has crashed, and now hangs precariously from a rail overhead. The murky low-level lighting and sound of twisted girders scraping against the ship’s walls combine to create one of the most extraordinary moments in gaming. It’s like you’re right there.

And that’s when they come at you. From behind.

Halo: Reach

Noble Team to Mission Control, Operation Teabag is go. I repeat, Operation Teabag is go. LOL.

Noble Team to Mission Control, Operation Teabag is go.

I know, I know, it’s Halo and only 12-year old kids with antisocial behaviour disorders play Halo, but listen – Halo is fun. I must’ve played through Halo: Reach‘s campaign five or six times by now, and when playing lots of games is your job, that kind of investment in just one is like a serious relationship commitment. Unfortunately, all my friends play Halo 4 now, so we broke up but Reach will always be the one who got away. You know, all the way over there on the shelf. Miss you, babe.

When did I know it was love?

The Grunt Birthday Party skull makes all the things love.

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare

call of duty 4

Woody growths on the skin are one of the classified consequences of excessive exposure to radiation in the Chernobyl Exclusion Zone.

It’s cool and trendy to hate Call of Duty because some guy on YouTube or Reddit said so, but the first Modern Warfare had one of the most brilliant campaigns ever. Actually, I’ve enjoyed every Call of Duty campaign immensely (except perhaps the Black Ops II campaign, which I enjoyed… less immensely), but Modern Warfare had the “All Ghillied Up” mission so I’m putting it on top of the list. Even though I still haven’t finished every mission on Veteran difficulty, but I will one day, pinky-promise.

When did I know it was love?

Captain MacMillan getting up out of the grass in his ghillie suit, and me screeching “I TOTALLY DID NOT SEE YOU THERE!” Then feeling a bit foolish for talking to a character in a game, but in a goofy “oh, you” sort of way. Like, “oh, you, MacMillan” sort of way. I’m doing it again, aren’t I? I’ll stop now.

Alan Wake

"Fear of the dark, feeaaaar of the daaark, I have a constant fear that something's always ne-BARRY, YOU SCARED ME!"

“Fear of the dark, feeaaaar of the daaark, I have a constant fear that something’s always ne- BARRY, YOU SHIT!”

Or Stephen King versus The Thing in Cauldron Lake. Remedy’s 80s late-night serial TV-styled “psychological action thriller” is not only one of the finest games of this generation, it’s also one of the most tragically under-sold. How did that even happen? If you didn’t play Alan Wake, everything you hate about the games industry is your fault. YOUR FAULT.

When did I know it was love?

The first time I encountered the Taken, and the world around me was smudged into a Norwegian black metal photo-op. You know what I mean. Oh, you didn’t play Alan Wake? You’re literally Hitler.

Special mention: Chorizo sausage.