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So, How Much Does 2014 Suck So Far?

bored girl

Man, how boring is 2014? There’s like, nothing happening. Trust me, I write a news recap every week, and at the moment it’s a bit too much like hard work.

Do you know hard it is to talk up the random crap that is passing for news right now? I feel like an overenthusiastic infomercial douchebag trying to sell vacuum cleaners to gullible housewives who think sucking up a hammer is something they’re going to want to do.

Point is, the news right now is not actually news. Let’s review, shall we?

Sony is winning the console war!

Before Sony and Microsoft actually released their consoles, there was a lot a smack-talking, comparing and wang-measuring over features, hardware, game exclusives and all that other crap gamers so love to argue with each other about.

Now that the sales figures are in, we’re all agreed that Sony is winning. Kind of. Not in December, but that’s a stock issue, otherwise they’d totally be winning then too. But we have to account for the Xbox One being released later, right? And what about the fact that you can only get your hands on the green machine in like, four places or something?

As much as we’d like to pass this off as exciting news, no one is winning. Both the PS4 and Xbox One are selling very well, and that’s great. The only thing we can really be sure of, is that the Wii U is losing.

Video game sales figures for 2013 are out!

This is an interesting one. If I put that up as a headline, every one of you would click it. We all have that competitive streak in us that likes to see who exactly beat who (see above).

Unfortunately, it’s a bit like opening the fridge when you know it’s empty. You’re hungry, you feel compelled to look, but you already know damned well what’s in there. Because it’s the same mouldy potato and expired yoghurt that was in there the last time you looked.

That’s what the sales figures are like. Want to know what games topped the lists for last year? GTA V, Call of Duty, Battlefield and whatever random annualised sports titles EA and 2K released. The only interesting piece of information to garner from this list is that there are still people out there willing to pay money for a Just Dance game. But we already knew that too.



Look at these awesome games releasing this year!

Pffft. If I had patience for anything, I wouldn’t be on the internet right now. Unless something is coming out within the next three days, I don’t want to read about it now.

Which is why I wrote a column talking about all the games coming out this year, and invited you all to share in my misery with me.

Watch Dogs is still on track for a 2014 release!” is not news. Do I come to your house and tell you you’re still on track to have a job tomorrow? No, that would be weird. Mostly because we don’t know each other, but also because it’s a weird thing to say.

Tell me if something changes, so I can complain about it.

[This awesome thing] may or may not be happening

Okay, this isn’t exactly confined to 2014. Or the beginning of the year. But I’ve kind of run out of boring crap to talk about (See? Even the columns in 2014 suck) so now I’m just listing things that annoy me.

We do this all the time with gaming news. The PS4 will have an android caretaker bundled in the box. The Xbox One will watch you masturbate. Half-Life 3 is releasing in a month and Gordon Freeman is really GlaDOS.

The worst part about these rumours that come flying off the mill almost daily is that they’re almost never freakin’ true. At least in other industries they’re more often true than not, in gaming news we have we have the same strike rate as Morne Morkel with a limp.

The problem is we have a bunch of overly bored nerds who set up elaborate hoaxes and then post their “discoveries” on Twitter or Reddit, where we furiously upvote it to the moon like a chimpanzee having a seizure.

Then we all get excited, and some studio executive somewhere stops trimming his golden bonsai garden long enough to tell us all we’re morons.

We need some kind of gaming Deep Throat who can get this crap right, because there’s a stubborn optimist hiding out inside me somewhere who falls for it every damn time.

"There's going to be a Warcraft stage musical? On ice? This sounds LEGIT!"

“There’s going to be a Warcraft stage musical? On ice? This sounds LEGIT!”

This column

Man, things can only get better from here. I’m sure by now you have that sinking feeling you get when you realise the last ten minutes could have been spent on something that didn’t make you want to set yourself on fire.

I apologise for that.

Maybe this week something will crop up about Foxconn’s heinous business practices, those are always entertaining. Or perhaps Bobby Kotick can insult all of us while rubbing his nipples with 100 dollar bills. It wouldn’t exactly be pretty, but hell if it wouldn’t be something to talk about.

Well, now that we’ve come this far it seems fitting that I end this column in the worst possible

  • micro1

    ok because of this article I WILL now cover my XBOX one with a blanket at night just so it cant stare at me. Perhaps there is even a hidden camera built in for bill gates to record you. O.O

    • Chris Kemp

      Better make sure it’s a thick weave. Just to be certain.

      • Wesley Fick

        Just don’t use it with a thick weave cover or it’ll set fire, burn down your house and you will die.

        • Chris Kemp

          And your clothes will burn off and everyone will see your penis anyway.

  • Sierra53

    Best article of 2014 so far. Im not sure why, but your blend of over the top sarcasm and seriousness makes for brilliant reading – maybe Im just weird.

    • Chris Kemp

      Hahaha, thanks so much Sierra, appreciate it. That’s what I was going for, so maybe I’m weird too? At least there’s two of us, we can band together against the others.

    • Ben Myres

      That’s called charisma in my circles :P.

      But yeah, love the blunt honesty about covering random, crap, Chris :P.

      • Chris Kemp

        Someone once told me it’s the best policy

        • Chris Kemp

          I think it was my mom. Although it might have been YOUR MOM. ZING!

  • XCal1bur

    I’m just glad both X 1 and PS4 is selling extremely well. Now I’m just waiting for the X1 to release in RSA. I don’t mind the wait, because I’m only spending money on games that is only releasing in the latter half of the year.

    • Miklós Szecsei

      I was going to say, “Why don’t you just get a PS4 if you’re wanting a next-gen console?”
      And then I saw your avatar, and remembered your gushing about Cortana. :P

      • Chris Kemp

        And I’m just here in the corner with my 3-year-old “gaming laptop”. Sigh, to be a grownup with mouths to feed. Even if that mouth is just a single Boston Terrier.

      • XCal1bur

        True words. Though I will definitely get a PS4 eventually( I really like Naughty Dog games), I am however at the core somebody who follow the best stories for me first. Halo is just one of those games I will follow as long as I possibly can.

        • Miklós Szecsei

          The best thing for me is immersion, followed closely by characters and then story. Even if the story is largely contrived, if there are memorable characters then I’m still happy. Case in point: Heavenly Sword.

          • Chris Kemp

            Setting online Multiplayer aside, that is exactly what I look for in a game. ^5

          • Miklós Szecsei

            Multiplayer hardly registers on my radar considering most of the games I tend to go in for have shoe-horned multiplayer anyway. Like Assassin’s Creed, Batman Arkham etc etc. That being said, I kind of forced myself to try out BF4 multiplayer and I’m kind of having fun in spite of myself.

          • Graham Ziervogel

            I like to consider multiplayer games as a completely separate beast. For example, I’m currently replaying the Baldur’s Gate series when I have time, while at the same time I still pop onto the online servers for a game of Quake/CS:GO/LoL/Dota every now and then. What I’m looking for and enjoying in my BG playthrough is completely different from what I’m enjoying about the multiplayer games.

          • Chris Kemp

            Yup, I think this is pretty much how I feel as well – and even when I’m buying a game that has both options, I’m usually getting it more for one half than the other.

          • Chris Kemp

            Yes… YES… Come to the dark side ;) TBH, i think there are games I buy mostly for the multiplayer (Call of Duty, Battlefield etc.) and then others I’m buying for the singleplayer, like Diablo 3 or Bioshock or w/e.

            I lose interest in a game really quickly though, so if I don’t get sucked in with immersion and an intriguing plot it’s usually going to my backlog =/

          • XCal1bur

            I can totally agree with that, those points are also high up on my list. ^^

  • BrendanMcCT

    Nice article, but I have a question, who is the Girl in the picture?

    • Chris Kemp

      Haha, just a stock photo I’m afraid. But you could travel the world with that photo, tracking her down, waiting for the moment serendipity brings you two together on a busy street. That would be so romantic (creepy).

      • BrendanMcCT

        lol. Yeah, I think that would take far too much time. I’d rather just order a Russian bride. Would take less time, and I have always wanted to learn a new language.


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