bored girl

Man, how boring is 2014? There’s like, nothing happening. Trust me, I write a news recap every week, and at the moment it’s a bit too much like hard work.

Do you know hard it is to talk up the random crap that is passing for news right now? I feel like an overenthusiastic infomercial douchebag trying to sell vacuum cleaners to gullible housewives who think sucking up a hammer is something they’re going to want to do.

Point is, the news right now is not actually news. Let’s review, shall we?

Sony is winning the console war!

Before Sony and Microsoft actually released their consoles, there was a lot a smack-talking, comparing and wang-measuring over features, hardware, game exclusives and all that other crap gamers so love to argue with each other about.

Now that the sales figures are in, we’re all agreed that Sony is winning. Kind of. Not in December, but that’s a stock issue, otherwise they’d totally be winning then too. But we have to account for the Xbox One being released later, right? And what about the fact that you can only get your hands on the green machine in like, four places or something?

As much as we’d like to pass this off as exciting news, no one is winning. Both the PS4 and Xbox One are selling very well, and that’s great. The only thing we can really be sure of, is that the Wii U is losing.

Video game sales figures for 2013 are out!

This is an interesting one. If I put that up as a headline, every one of you would click it. We all have that competitive streak in us that likes to see who exactly beat who (see above).

Unfortunately, it’s a bit like opening the fridge when you know it’s empty. You’re hungry, you feel compelled to look, but you already know damned well what’s in there. Because it’s the same mouldy potato and expired yoghurt that was in there the last time you looked.

That’s what the sales figures are like. Want to know what games topped the lists for last year? GTA V, Call of Duty, Battlefield and whatever random annualised sports titles EA and 2K released. The only interesting piece of information to garner from this list is that there are still people out there willing to pay money for a Just Dance game. But we already knew that too.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THE GHOSTBUSTERS? STOP.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THE GHOSTBUSTERS? STOP.

Look at these awesome games releasing this year!

Pffft. If I had patience for anything, I wouldn’t be on the internet right now. Unless something is coming out within the next three days, I don’t want to read about it now.

Which is why I wrote a column talking about all the games coming out this year, and invited you all to share in my misery with me.

Watch Dogs is still on track for a 2014 release!” is not news. Do I come to your house and tell you you’re still on track to have a job tomorrow? No, that would be weird. Mostly because we don’t know each other, but also because it’s a weird thing to say.

Tell me if something changes, so I can complain about it.

[This awesome thing] may or may not be happening

Okay, this isn’t exactly confined to 2014. Or the beginning of the year. But I’ve kind of run out of boring crap to talk about (See? Even the columns in 2014 suck) so now I’m just listing things that annoy me.

We do this all the time with gaming news. The PS4 will have an android caretaker bundled in the box. The Xbox One will watch you masturbate. Half-Life 3 is releasing in a month and Gordon Freeman is really GlaDOS.

The worst part about these rumours that come flying off the mill almost daily is that they’re almost never freakin’ true. At least in other industries they’re more often true than not, in gaming news we have we have the same strike rate as Morne Morkel with a limp.

The problem is we have a bunch of overly bored nerds who set up elaborate hoaxes and then post their “discoveries” on Twitter or Reddit, where we furiously upvote it to the moon like a chimpanzee having a seizure.

Then we all get excited, and some studio executive somewhere stops trimming his golden bonsai garden long enough to tell us all we’re morons.

We need some kind of gaming Deep Throat who can get this crap right, because there’s a stubborn optimist hiding out inside me somewhere who falls for it every damn time.

"There's going to be a Warcraft stage musical? On ice? This sounds LEGIT!"

“There’s going to be a Warcraft stage musical? On ice? This sounds LEGIT!”

This column

Man, things can only get better from here. I’m sure by now you have that sinking feeling you get when you realise the last ten minutes could have been spent on something that didn’t make you want to set yourself on fire.

I apologise for that.

Maybe this week something will crop up about Foxconn’s heinous business practices, those are always entertaining. Or perhaps Bobby Kotick can insult all of us while rubbing his nipples with 100 dollar bills. It wouldn’t exactly be pretty, but hell if it wouldn’t be something to talk about.

Well, now that we’ve come this far it seems fitting that I end this column in the worst possible