satoru iwata banana

So, you bought a Wii U. It’s okay, there are support groups.

In the meantime, I’ve taken it upon myself as a man of the people to help you ease the shame and regret of your woefully misguided purchase, and help you to get some actual use out of the little console that couldn’t.

Since you certainly won’t be using your Wii U for games, here’s 5 things you can use it for.

It makes a great Frisbee

It’s summer! You should be outside. At least that’s what non-nerds tell us, but they seem to have better cholesterol and more attractive physiques (or a “physique” at all), so perhaps we should be listening to them.

That doesn’t mean you can’t take your most prized console with you though, hell no!

Nintendo spent years in a wind tunnel perfecting the aerodynamics of the Wii U Gamepad to fly gracefully through the air, working day and night to make it the perfect size and feel for a spirited game of ultimate Frisbee [citation needed].

Disclaimer: NAG Online and its staff accept no responsibility for any injuries sustained to faces, testicles, children and/or animals in the off-label use of this device.

The lit screen makes for excitingly dangerous night-time play!

The lit screen makes for excitingly dangerous night-time play!

It’s compact enough for inappropriate public use

I don’t much like putting headphones in my GamePad, so when I take that badboy on the road to listen to my 50 Shades of Grey audiobook, I like to let everyone else listen to.

It also has an internet browser, which means you can consume all your favourite not-for-children multimedia, provided it’s agreeable enough to not make use of Flash. I could give you my list of Flash-friendly websites of such a nature, if I was into that sort of thing. Which I’m not. Obviously.

Even better, if your name happens to be Kobus Wiese the GamePad will slide conveniently into your jacket pocket.

It makes a fantastic gift for someone you don’t like

Obviously your first instinct would have been to regift the Wii U. But it’s not that easy, is it? All your friends are nerds too, and of course they’d give you that hurt look and ask what they’ve done to deserve it. A Wii U is like a friendship retrenchment package. No go.

But everyone has that cousin. That nephew. That child of the “family friend”. You know the one. Annoying little bastard. The kind that kicks your shins and laughs at you when backs are turned. The kind that tends to single out and “accidentally” break whatever is most precious to you. That annoying little frantic chimpanzee with parents none the wiser. That’s the one.

He’ll know what you’ve done the minute he unwraps it. You’ll give him a cold stare and a slow wink because you know he has to pretend he loves it to keep up the image in front of the parents. And you’ll have won.

Little bastard.

Or you can go with Plan B.

Or you can go with Plan B.

It makes a great TV remote

Did you know the GamePad can be configured to work as a television remote? Neat, huh?

Now whenever you want to change the channel, you can ignore your other, far more compact and easy to operate remotes, and pick up that bulky piece of white plastic that stares deep into your soul and tells you what a failure you are every time you dare to glance at it.

It also makes a great conversation piece when guests are over, even if that conversation is around why you make such terrible decisions.

Channel your regret into something positive

Sure, you can wallow in an ocean of self-pity, and slip off into the darkness like Leonardo di Caprio. I bet if he’d only clambered onto that frikken ENORMOUS door, he might have gotten his Oscar.

Now Leo’s mistake was that he compounded one bad decision with another. You don’t have to do that. Sure, you bought a Wii U, and you can’t take that back.

But you can write a book about it. Many people who have suffered tremendous hardships in their lives have found cathartic release in writing, and perhaps a fat paycheque too. You could set up a workshop, a support group, go on the road giving seminars. One bad decision doesn’t have to define who you are.

Don’t let go of the door and sink into the Atlantic. Or else Nintendo wins. Nintendo gets the door, the enormous diamond and Nintendo frikken remarries and lives longer than a Hobbit. You don’t really want that to happen.

Do you?

"I'm sorry Jack, I'm just, really rather comfortable."

“I’m sorry Jack, I’m just, really rather comfortable.”