patrick stewart

We have a diverse staff at NAG Online. There’s the hired guns such as myself, the specialists like Wesley, and the overlords overseeing it all, like the enigmatic and all-powerful Dane Remendes. Which got me thinking – if we were all superheroes, who would we be? Hit the jump, and I’ll tell you.

Wesley Fick: Ironman

The resident technological wizard, Wesley spends most of his days surrounded by shiny, expensive things.

He can MacGyver a passable Radeon 5770 out of a toaster and four hairclips, or disassemble and reassemble anything you own in the time it takes you to make a sandwich. You’ll never see him do it, except you’ll wonder why your PC is ever so slightly faster the next time you use it.

With a steaming cup of coffee where his heart should be, Wesley manages to stay awake for ungodly hours while he hammers out 7000-word columns on his mechanical keyboard. When he’s not working he can be found doing everything you can, but better.

Delano: Superman

Delano, like Superman, prefers a life of secrecy; out of the spotlight. He’s probably super pissed he’s in this list and on his way here now to smash apart some of my furniture. Delano, if you’re reading this, spare the couch, man.

Opting to follow in the footsteps of badasses such as Cher and Prince, Delano reveals to us only a single name. Passing himself off as an ordinary writer by day, he spends his nights completing multiple indie titles per hour.

Delano doesn’t play an indie, like it and then write about it like you or I would. Delano plays ALL THE INDIES, and then writes about the one he liked the best. Or didn’t like at all, just to keep you guessing.

I mean come on Delano, did you really think this column was going to fool anyone?

When he isn't soaring across the sky, he likes to claim he's never finished Super Meat Boy. Suuuuuure.

When he isn’t soaring across the sky, he likes to claim he’s never finished Super Meat Boy. Suuuuuure.

Miklós Szecsei: Deadpool

Miklos exists to remind all of us not to take life too seriously. Primarily a news writer, Miklos has a knack for making any news readable with his own brand of sarcastic cynicism and next-level-trolling.

Hell, even his name is silly!

Miklos and I became contacts on Google Talk quite some time ago, but neither of us has ever said anything. We’re waging a silent battle on who speaks first, for that person will be the loser. Sometimes I open up my GTalk client and just stare at his green dot. I can almost feel it laughing at me.

And then just when I think I have him sussed, he writes a super serious column, just to throw me off.

Yes, me. Everything Miklos does is targeted at me somehow. It is known.

Rick de Klerk: Spider-man

What Rick lacks in raw, athletic, ass-kicking ability he makes up for with sharp wit and intellect.

This is the whitebread cracker who would destroy you in a rap battle. He’s the Eminem to your Lil Bow Wow.

Rick doesn’t need weapons, he’ll talk you into giving him yours and then shoot you with it. And then make a lewd joke about your mother or something.

Hell, he took my own column and then made it better. I know this because we measure success around here in the currency of comments. Also, his idea was funnier. Damn you, Rick. Ass.

Spider-man might get thrown into several walls over the course of a battle, but you best be damned sure he’ll have the last word.

Usually about your mother.

spiderman troll

Dane Remendes: Professor X

Dane doesn’t get mixed up in the battles too much, he prefers to sit at the back in his overly comfortable chair with his overly large helmet on, overseeing things.

That is, of course, when he’s not fiddling with our minds like puppets on a string, altering our very thoughts and ideas on a whim. Sometimes I’ll go back to one of my columns to change something and I’ll see “Dane Remendes is currently editing this post.” GET OUT OF MY HEAD CHARLES!

It’s no fun having Professor X in your head when you can feel it happening, it’s like he’s poking my brain. The only thing that makes it worse is that you’re not quite sure what he’s poking it with.

When he isn’t doing… that, I have it on good authority that he’s whizzing around the office in his wheely-chair, annoying everybody with his vroom vroom noises.