Last week I blew this whole operation wide open by revealing the secret identities of your favourite people on the internet (indulge me), the NAG Online writers. Of course, your fragile human minds couldn’t handle too many bombs being dropped in a single column, so this week I’ll be exposing the rest of us. Yes, that does include even myself.
Nic Simmonds – Batman
Nic may like a little flair on the surface, but unlike other billionaire superheroes such as Ironman, he prefers to lay low.
Sure he may own more cars than you do pairs of underpants (and indeed, he may wear his own underpants on the outside), but how much do you really know about Nic Simmonds?
Would you want him on your pub quiz team? Would you let him watch your kids for the afternoon? Is he a kind and gentle lover? You don’t know the answer to any of these things, and I only know the answer to one.
He even varies what he writes about, just to keep you off the trail. And that’s exactly how he likes it.
Chris Kemp – The Flaming Carrot
You’ve never heard of the Flaming Carrot? Exactly. Much like the blazing vegetable, no one really knows what the hell I do around here.
Cutting edge journalism? Please. Expertise? Only if you’re gullible. Insightful commentary and opinions? Are you reading the same thing as me right now?
I exist because the world needs a yardstick, a basis of comparison. And a website such as NAG Online needs a hero whose only purpose is to set himself on fire.
Tarryn van der Byl – Catwoman
Like Catwoman, Tarryn speaks her mind. Things that dare step out of line are treated to pointy objects and a sleek boot to the face, followed by a quick-witted quip and the other boot.
Tarryn’s one fatal flaw, however, is her inability to adequately conceal her identity.
For example, she tends to adorn each boot-to-ass column with hundreds of pictures of lolcats. Inside sources tell me she’s seen every single post on icanhascheezburger. Twice.
If you happen to follow her on Twitter, you’ve probably seen her own cats several hundred times. True to form, she does give them kickass names though.
So keep that in mind next time you’re thinking about stepping out of line – you never know if you’ll be getting this:
Miktar Dracon – The Punisher
Miktar is NAG Online’s quality control. He stands for everything that is just and good in the world of journalism; so when I step out of line with an unfounded opinion or post lacking substance, he’s there to murder everyone I know.
Wait, err, that’s not exactly correct. Let’s just say Miktar is a little more lenient than his comic book counterpart then.
Although, judging by the quality and substance of this column, perhaps he needs to ramp up his efforts a little more.
Lauren Das Neves – Galactus
You may not know Galactus, or need a little reminder. Well, he (she) looks like this:
That little ball of light he’s (she’s) holding? It’s a freaking PLANET.
As the all-powerful overlord of NAG Online, Lauren earns the title of world eater. She may do it with a little more finesse, but don’t let her warm and friendly outward appearance fool you – she could crush any one of us with a nonchalant flick of her wrist.
She’s already eaten four NAG writers whose names no one remembers (you think that’s an accident?), and considering my fatal misstep of revealing her identity, I imagine by the end of the week it’ll be five.