Head in Hands

E3 is underway, and every day we’re treated to exciting announcements; mostly new game announcements and fresh looks at games we’re looking forward to.

I think, however, it could be MORE exciting. A lot more. In that spirit, I’ve compiled my own list of announcements I’d like to see this week, but very likely won’t.

Oculus Rift Removes Game Support, Focuses on Porn

I wrote a column on here a while ago where I said some pretty nasty things about the Oculus Rift, which may have given some of you the wrong idea, like maybe I think it’s a big, heavy, virtual reality turd that isn’t good for anything.

That’s not true at all, however, because it would be amazing with porn.

Okay, maybe not JUST porn, but definitely not games. It’s not that I don’t want the product to exist, I just think it could be better applied elsewhere.

It’s the type of product you want to use for ten to fifteen minutes at most. And it just so happens that a particular kind of media is primarily consumed in ten to fifteen minute segments…

Now I don’t want to be too specific, but it’s porn. I’m talking about porn.


Likeliness of Happening: 5/10

Activision Apologises For Defiling Games Industry; Next Call of Duty Is Free

Picture it: Bobby Kotick walks onto stage, dishevelled and red-eyed; he’s a mess. He steps up to the mic, blinking back tears and narrowly dodging a half-full can of 7up thrown from the crowd. He takes a deep breath, and says:

“Ladies and gentlemen, gamers, human beings. I stand before you today not as a game publisher, not as a money-grubbing corporate fatcat, nor as a peer. I stand before you as a freakishly realistic, life-size poop-sculpture; the kind so hideous that the artist throws himself out of his studio window upon completion. I stand before you as a cardboard-cutout of shame, if this was a parallel dimension where cardboard was actually poop.”

At this point he runs off the stage, sobbing, and another exec steps in to tell us that the next Call of Duty will be completely free, and will have its release pushed back to 2016 to make sure it doesn’t suck.

I’d say the R-rated Oculus is more likely than Kotick admitting fault, but a guy can dream can’t he?

Likeliness of Happening: 0.5/10

If he spontaneously burst into flame, that'd be cool too.

If he spontaneously burst into flame, that’d be cool too.

Global Ban Placed On Shoddy Console Ports, Effective Immediately

A piece of global law is announced, like a treaty. Some call it the Geneva Convention of video games, while others ask their friends what the Geneva Convention is.

The law states that no game developer may release a console title masquerading as a PC release. Poor controls and shoddy gameplay will result in life imprisonment, whilst flagrant flouting of the rules such as quick-time events encouraging players to hit triangles or squares will face death by zealous giraffe.

Nobody wants to die to a zealous giraffe, trust me.

Likeliness of Happening: 4/10

Valve Reveals Half-Life 3, Releases Tomorrow

If this actually happened, I wouldn’t need that custom Oculus Rift anymore.

Just imagine it: Our hero and video game messiah, Gabe Newell, waddling onto stage as the room falls silent.

He steps up to the mic, taking a few minutes to catch his breath. Finally he looks every single one of us in the eye simultaneously (as only Gabe can), and says only a single word, the word we all felt in our hearts and saw in his eyes before his beautiful lips even parted.


The curtains behind him rise, and a launch trailer for Half-Life 3 plays out. It’s beautiful, so beautiful. The crowd starts to weep, seven women spontaneously give birth and a man in a wheelchair stands up and runs a lap around the exhibition hall.

The release date appears: June 12th, 2014. Bobby Kotick and several others drop dead from a massive stroke, their brains leaking out of their ears.

And Gabe smiles, filling the room with light and happiness.

Look at this magnificent bastard.

Look at this magnificent bastard.

Likeliness of Happening: What are you, joking?

Microsoft Apologises For Kinect; Replenishes E.T. Landfill

Man, just once I want to see those smug a-holes over at Microsoft admit they were wrong. What would happen? Would the world implode?

After all the excuses, rationalisations and general bullshittery, wouldn’t it just be great to have one of the bigshot execs walk up onto stage and say:

“I’m sorry, everybody. The Kinect was never really intended for games. The voice controls were tacked on to make it look legitimate.

The truth is… well, the truth is, you were all right. Steve Ballmer just wanted to watch you masturbate, and we went along with it because he frightens us.”

Then they’d show a two-minute clip of thousands of Kinects being thrown into the landfill that Atari used for E.T., juxtaposed with tightly-cropped images of Ballmer’s soulless crazy-eyes.

Meanwhile, somewhere far, far away, Steve sits in his lazychair playing his own one-sided game of ChatRoulette.