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5 Announcements I Want To See At E3 (But Probably Won’t)

Head in Hands

E3 is underway, and every day we’re treated to exciting announcements; mostly new game announcements and fresh looks at games we’re looking forward to.

I think, however, it could be MORE exciting. A lot more. In that spirit, I’ve compiled my own list of announcements I’d like to see this week, but very likely won’t.

Oculus Rift Removes Game Support, Focuses on Porn

I wrote a column on here a while ago where I said some pretty nasty things about the Oculus Rift, which may have given some of you the wrong idea, like maybe I think it’s a big, heavy, virtual reality turd that isn’t good for anything.

That’s not true at all, however, because it would be amazing with porn.

Okay, maybe not JUST porn, but definitely not games. It’s not that I don’t want the product to exist, I just think it could be better applied elsewhere.

It’s the type of product you want to use for ten to fifteen minutes at most. And it just so happens that a particular kind of media is primarily consumed in ten to fifteen minute segments…

Now I don’t want to be too specific, but it’s porn. I’m talking about porn.


Likeliness of Happening: 5/10

Activision Apologises For Defiling Games Industry; Next Call of Duty Is Free

Picture it: Bobby Kotick walks onto stage, dishevelled and red-eyed; he’s a mess. He steps up to the mic, blinking back tears and narrowly dodging a half-full can of 7up thrown from the crowd. He takes a deep breath, and says:

“Ladies and gentlemen, gamers, human beings. I stand before you today not as a game publisher, not as a money-grubbing corporate fatcat, nor as a peer. I stand before you as a freakishly realistic, life-size poop-sculpture; the kind so hideous that the artist throws himself out of his studio window upon completion. I stand before you as a cardboard-cutout of shame, if this was a parallel dimension where cardboard was actually poop.”

At this point he runs off the stage, sobbing, and another exec steps in to tell us that the next Call of Duty will be completely free, and will have its release pushed back to 2016 to make sure it doesn’t suck.

I’d say the R-rated Oculus is more likely than Kotick admitting fault, but a guy can dream can’t he?

Likeliness of Happening: 0.5/10

If he spontaneously burst into flame, that'd be cool too.

If he spontaneously burst into flame, that’d be cool too.

Global Ban Placed On Shoddy Console Ports, Effective Immediately

A piece of global law is announced, like a treaty. Some call it the Geneva Convention of video games, while others ask their friends what the Geneva Convention is.

The law states that no game developer may release a console title masquerading as a PC release. Poor controls and shoddy gameplay will result in life imprisonment, whilst flagrant flouting of the rules such as quick-time events encouraging players to hit triangles or squares will face death by zealous giraffe.

Nobody wants to die to a zealous giraffe, trust me.

Likeliness of Happening: 4/10

Valve Reveals Half-Life 3, Releases Tomorrow

If this actually happened, I wouldn’t need that custom Oculus Rift anymore.

Just imagine it: Our hero and video game messiah, Gabe Newell, waddling onto stage as the room falls silent.

He steps up to the mic, taking a few minutes to catch his breath. Finally he looks every single one of us in the eye simultaneously (as only Gabe can), and says only a single word, the word we all felt in our hearts and saw in his eyes before his beautiful lips even parted.


The curtains behind him rise, and a launch trailer for Half-Life 3 plays out. It’s beautiful, so beautiful. The crowd starts to weep, seven women spontaneously give birth and a man in a wheelchair stands up and runs a lap around the exhibition hall.

The release date appears: June 12th, 2014. Bobby Kotick and several others drop dead from a massive stroke, their brains leaking out of their ears.

And Gabe smiles, filling the room with light and happiness.

Look at this magnificent bastard.

Look at this magnificent bastard.

Likeliness of Happening: What are you, joking?

Microsoft Apologises For Kinect; Replenishes E.T. Landfill

Man, just once I want to see those smug a-holes over at Microsoft admit they were wrong. What would happen? Would the world implode?

After all the excuses, rationalisations and general bullshittery, wouldn’t it just be great to have one of the bigshot execs walk up onto stage and say:

“I’m sorry, everybody. The Kinect was never really intended for games. The voice controls were tacked on to make it look legitimate.

The truth is… well, the truth is, you were all right. Steve Ballmer just wanted to watch you masturbate, and we went along with it because he frightens us.”

Then they’d show a two-minute clip of thousands of Kinects being thrown into the landfill that Atari used for E.T., juxtaposed with tightly-cropped images of Ballmer’s soulless crazy-eyes.

Meanwhile, somewhere far, far away, Steve sits in his lazychair playing his own one-sided game of ChatRoulette.

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  • XceL

    Damn I need Half-Life 3 so bad, can’t…hold on…any…….longer… Aaaaaarrrrghhhh!

    • Chris Kemp

      We should start a support group

      • XceL

        That might help :)

      • Wesley Fick

        Make one for Pokemon on the Wii U and The Last Guardian as well, or just invite them too.

        • Chris Kemp

          And the Duke Forever deniers who believe the game is still coming

          • Alex Rowley

            If such a group exists then they definitely need one. Next thing your gonna tell me people actually think Rockstar’s Agent is actually real!

          • Chris Kemp

            Of course, and Starcraft Ghost is coming in November!

          • Wesley Fick

            Shut your mouth, that wound has never healed.

          • Chris Kemp

            You’re right, I’m sorry. That was too far.

          • Alex Rowley

            We all joke because we are secretly crying on the inside.

          • Chris Kemp

            When will the pain end?

  • Squirly

    “The crowd starts to weep, seven women spontaneously give birth and a man
    in a wheelchair stands up and runs a lap around the exhibition hall.”

    And they weren’t even pregnant before they entered the hall.

    Also, that Oculus for Porn thing is something that has more of a 11/10 chance of happening.

    • Chris Kemp

      Haha, unofficially almost definitely ;)

    • Heinrich Rall

      You mean HAS happened. Google it.

      • Alex Rowley

        I think Chris is talking about it happening like that one documentary mad specifically for the Rift.

      • Alex Rowley

        That site that you linked taught me what a Teledildonics is.

  • Miklós Szecsei

    I would like to see this “death by zealous giraffe” you speak of. I feel it would amuse me.

    • Chris Kemp

      I think it’ll be a DLC pack for my re-purposed Rift

    • Alex Rowley

      Well I would imagine it would look something like this Giraffe reenacting the T-Rex chase scene from Jurassic Park.

      • Miklós Szecsei

        That was actually kind of creepy. o_o

        • Alex Rowley

          It’s a Giraffe full of hate for the world.

  • Wesley Fick

    Lets look at this realistically – Gabe is doing us all a favour.

    If Valve had to announce Half-Life 3 in the way you’ve described here, the internet would break. NeoGAF would collapse in minutes. Steam wouldn’t be able to handle the sudden increase of at least five million new accounts in the span of a minute.

    • Chris Kemp

      It would be chaos… but it would be glorious.

    • Alex Rowley

      That sounds amazing to me.

  • Alex Rowley

    I feel that the shoddy port announcement would backfire on PC gamers as I would not put it past Publishers to then decide to just stop making ports altogether. Then that Giraffe would really need to put into action.

    • Chris Kemp

      :O You shut that dirty mouth!

  • Riaan Greeff

    Greatest article ever! :D

    • Chris Kemp

      Haha thanks Riaan, glad you liked it!


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