trainwreck

Everybody has an off day. You know how it is – you wake up, and somehow things just feel dreary. You can scarcely find the motivation to brush your teeth, let alone be productive.

Not every man is willing to admit that. I am not every man; that would be impossible. Anyway, what I’m getting at here is that yesterday was my off-day. It was also the day I wrote this column. So I’m warning you now – it’s not very good. I couldn’t even be bothered to form a coherent theme, instead I just elected to rant/ramble about five, completely unrelated things.

Even the header image makes no sense. I just used a Gordon Freeman picture there brcause I like it. There is no Half-Life related content in here. Leave now to avoid disappointment.

Hit the jump if you like, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

By now you may have noticed that the header image is not, in fact, Gordon Freeman. It’s a trainwreck. It used to be a giant turd, but I changed it to something more dramatic. It serves as both a metaphor for what follows, as well as an egregious error which really sets the tone for the whole column. Also, as a side note, I do not recommend Google Image searching “big turd” with SafeSearch switched off.

I’m Worried Alien Isolation Won’t Actually Be Fun

It’s a week until Alien Isolation’s release, and I’ve actually been pretty excited for this one. But every time I watch a trailer, I can’t shake this nagging feeling – what if this game isn’t actually fun?

It’s starting to look like you just crawl around a danky ship, hoping to hell that the giant Alien doesn’t hear your zipper scrape against the floor and do non-consensual things to your innards.

I’m just not sure if there’s any actual gameplay there. I feel like the whole game is going to amount to me hunched over my computer, saying “shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit DAMNIT” and reloading my save file.

I feel like it may elicit anxiety more than enjoyment, and I’m just not sure I have the patience for it.

Pictured: One of many things that absolutely won't help you.

Pictured: One of many things that absolutely won’t help you.

I’m Worried This Column is Already Terrible

I’ll be honest, the first thing I wrote was the introduction because I already knew this was going to suck. And I think I may have already blown it.

Alien Isolation? Does anyone even care about this game? And why is that the first thing in the list, anyway?

Dane, if you’re reading this, if I’m fired can I still keep my free ticket to rAge?

I’m Worried Oculus Rift Porn Will Also Be Terrible

In my most recent This Week In Gaming I spoke about a rather disturbing boob-squeeze game that had been developed for the Oculus Rift. Unsurprising, really.

However, aside from the game’s slightly rapey undertones and the general feelings of discomfort it elicits in the non-sociopathic subgroup of gamers, it’s also just not very good.

I’m convinced the Oculus Rift isn’t going to make its mark in gaming. I assumed it would find a natural home in porn, but now I’m not so sure. If it’s less HD Brazzers and more SD Hot Coffee mod, I don’t think it’s going to get much attention outside of the most dedicated of pervs.

See you at the midnight launch then, I’ll be the one in the wetsuit and the gas mask.

Is that boob squeeze peripheral sold separately?

Is that boob squeeze peripheral sold separately?

I’m Worried People Will Find Out I Secretly Want a Wii U, Terribly

So worried, in fact, that I feel like I should just come and say it.

Here’s the thing – the things I can play on the Xbox One, the PS4, for the most part I can play those things on a PC too. As long as they’re not called Destiny, that is. Or the Last of Us. Or Infamous. Or Uncharted. Or Bloodborne.

Anyway, what I mean is that the reason I’d have a console isn’t for “hardcore gaming”, but rather for playing stuff like Mario Kart and Super Smash Bros.

I may have been shovelling shit onto the Wii U like a meth addict at the beach, but damnit that doesn’t mean I can’t want one, okay?

The Sims Is Still Terrible

There was a NAG Online lottery recently to see who gets to review The Sims 4. Of course, I put my name in, in an attempt to sabotage sales with a terrible score and bury the franchise forever. I have the power, seriously. Like seven people read my columns, and only one of those people is my mom.

Dane assured me that it was a random selection, but Dane also assured me that I was the only man he’d ever truly love and that turned out to be bullshit, so I’m sure there was footrub bribery afoot.

Afoot! Get it? Afoot? God this column is bad.

Let's lower the bar further with an overused meme!

Let’s lower the bar further with an overused meme!

You May Notice This Column Is Shorter Than Normal, And That There Are Six Headings Not Five, And That This Particular Heading Is Entirely Too Long

That’s because this column is terrible, and the header image is unrelated. I warned you before you came in, what the hell did you expect?

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