gaben christmas

This week was pretty boring. After I ran around the house, naked and screaming when I heard that Blizzard was making an FPS, things have been pretty quiet. Even more so since most of my neighbours packed their houses up and left, presumably afraid the naked screamdance may become a regular Friday night feature.

Overwatch was off the table though (at least until next week) – that one has been talked to death. Depressed by the lack of any other exciting things to discuss, I decided to perk myself up with a bit of Christmas spirit. Sure it’s about six weeks early, but since when did any of my columns really make sense?

So then, this is my list of things for Gaming Father Christmas. And that barrel-bellied, bearded bastard better bring it.

A Videogame Oscars

We have plenty of big gaming awards ceremonies every year. Too many of them. Frankly, it’s hard to keep up with it all and I’m never sure which I should care about and which I shouldn’t.

We need to figure out the hierarchy here – somebody has to be the Golden Globes, somebody has to be the Oscars and frankly, some poor bastard has to be the MTV Movie Awards.

There just isn’t quite that sense of spectacle and honour that the Oscars have. I can tell you that Titanic won 11 Oscars, for example, but I can’t tell you how many Golden Joysticks The Last of Us won.

Or if I should even care.

10/10 at least I understand.

10/10 at least I understand.

Less Assholes

Let’s face it – gamers can be pretty terrible. For every swell guy/gal out there (like you, reader), there’s one of me to ruin it for everyone.

Gamers are a competitive bunch, which means when it comes to team games combined with internet anonymity, you can expect more than a little unpleasantness.

You can also expect a lot of discussion on your mother’s sexual exploits, which doesn’t exactly seem relevant.

Movie Adaptations That Aren’t Terrible

Why can we not get this right? After years of turds like Joel Schumacher’s Batman and Robin, it seems that we’ve managed to figure out the formula for a good comic book movie.

Why then, do we still get heartbreaking, face-melting radioactive garbage like Max Payne? Why is Uwe Boll still allowed behind a camera? Or allowed to exist, for that matter; the best case one can make for the death penalty is an Uwe Boll movie marathon.

The nightmare-fuel that was the Super Mario Bros. film atrocity came out in 1993 – it’s been more than a decade since we sat in theaters, weeping at Goombas with tiny green heads and enormous bodies. That movie was better at making kids cry than The Lion King.

Can we ditch the horrible dialogue, toothpaste-commercial actors and The Rock lifting his eyebrow and try and formulate an actual plot? Please?

Surely one of the greatest method actors of our time.

Surely one of the greatest method actors of our time.

Moar Frames!

Yeah, yeah, you’ve had about enough of me ranting about this that you can handle. But here’s the thing – I’m not here to talk about the 30 vs 60fps debacle again.

At this point, I think many people would be happy with 30 at this point. The Assassin’s Creed Unity reviews have been coming in, and a lot of the critics are lamenting the fact that the game can’t manage a consistent 30fps.

I’m not picking on Ubisoft either – we’ve seen this in a few recent releases.

Console users have no control over how much hardware power they have, it’s up to the developers to make sure the game is optimized well enough to run consistently smoothly.

Come on dudes, get your shit together.

Half-Life

I’m sorry, I can’t help myself. I need more Half-Life.

Listen to me Gaben. It doesn’t even need to be Half-Life 3 – I’m not greedy. How about a little HL2 DLC? Maybe another one of those weird knockoffs like Blue Shift. I’ll be a janitor, it’s cool. You can call it Brown Shift.

Christmas is coming, and I deserve a spot on the nice list. I haven’t threatened to kill you on Twitter or anything. Hell, I’ll say it – I’d even be willing to buy Half-Life content on Early Access.

THERE ARE MANY OF US GABEN, AND WE WILL NOT BE SILENCED. GIVE US WHAT WE WANT AND ALL THIS GOES AWAY.

Well this is what I want – what’s on all of yours nerdy wishlist?