After my last “News I don’t care about” feature, literally two people wrote in to tell me how awesome it was. On an unrelated note, I want to give a shoutout to my Mom and Dad.
Due to this overwhelming show of support, I’ve decided to follow it up with a sequel. So then, this is the popular news of the month for which I had the most trouble summoning a single solitary sh*t to give.
Now I have seen nor played absolutely nothing of this game, which I feel makes me uniquely qualified to talk about it. Playing a game yourself really complicates the issue, I’ve always felt it’s far better to review something without being hypnotised by the pretty graphics and Skinner-box gameplay.
I’ve heard some pretty ridiculous things about this game, people are quite loosely throwing around titles like “best game ever made”. Which is of course, preposterous, as it’s a PS4 exclusive.
How can something be the best game, when two thirds of gamers can’t even play it? It’s like me telling you the Spiceworld sequel is actually a cinematic masterpiece unlike any you’ve seen before, but you can only watch it in Turkey and Japan.
I guess what I’m really trying to say is that one third of gamers agree that Bloodborne is the best game ever.
And more importantly, the other two thirds couldn’t give a rusty f**k so could you please shut the hell up about it.
April Fool’s anything
I’ve gotten a kick out of these in the past, but this year I feel like I need to take a day off from the internet today.
I think it’s because someone is inevitably going to make some kind of a fake Half-Life 3 announcement, and even though I know it’s a lie it’ll awaken a deep yearning in me that feels somewhere between the love of your life leaving you for a travelling circus clown and having an angry badger attach himself to your man-berries.
I’ll only say this once, so take heed, internet – anyone who so much thinks about running a fake HL3 story will be getting a strongly-worded e-mail from me. There may even be typos. God help me, I may even drop the “Kind” from “Kind regards”.
Don’t say you weren’t warned.
People are naked in Asian videogames
It seems like a bi-annual event that some kind of obscure Asian videogame offends everybody by having a mod/cheatcode/menu option that turns the majority of the characters into girls of questionable age who look like they go to bed every night clutching chunks of unrefined radioactive uranium to their chests.
Telling a Japanese game developer that his portrayal of female characters is offensive is like telling the family dog he’s using the abacus incorrectly.
I lived in Korea for two years, and they were still using Internet Explorer 6. Exclusively. If you don’t like school-age girls trying not to suffocate themselves with their own cleavage while fighting to the death, may I suggest Mortal Kombat X instead?
I kind of touched on this last month, but seriously – the madness continues.
Xbox One fans, let me deliver a cold hard truth. You’re using a less powerful machine. Do we really need a separate news article every time a new game comes out, pointing out how the PS4 runs at a slightly higher resolution? Even though that is the case EVERY TIME?
Of course we do, because clicks. Clicks, glorious clicks. Clicks are the reason every article on Facebook is now a numbered list accompanied with a “You won’t believe #4!”, which, by the way, I am yet to find myself not believing.
I’m getting pretty off-topic here, but I guess what I’m really trying to say is that, PS4 owners, your machine is inferior too you should have gotten a PC heyoooooooooooooooo.
“Is the term ‘video game’ restricting the perception of the medium?”
No. No it is not.
I was really tempted to leave that line above and just move on, because really it’s just an opportunity for people to fake intelligence with a bunch of postmodern, existential linguistic masturbation.
Do we really need every single term in English to be all-encompassing of what that thing does? We all know what a “tablet” is, but the only thing that word does is describe the damn thing’s shape. It’s also a word we use to describe medication, which may confuse the same types of people who are confused by mirrors.
We all use “cellphones” every day, but we spend 90% of that usage time actually using the phone part.
This term is only restrictive if you’ve survived eating your own faeces in a forest for the last twenty years, or perhaps you’re the kind of person who likes to spend the day hitting rocks with other rocks. Or eating soup with your hands.
We’re sorry to have restricted you.
Timed exclusive bonus content
So Sony couldn’t afford a proper exclusivity deal, so they scraped together some drinking money and wangled a deal to get “bonus content” a bit earlier than other platforms?
On the list of things I could care less about, bonus content arriving later ranks somewhere between the imperial system of measurement and Boney M’s discography.