What happened? You used to be cool. We had such good times. Castlevania. Metal Gear. That Mutant Ninja Turtles arcade brawler that absorbed all my 50c pieces. But you’re weird now, man. You remove Kojima from the credits from the latest Metal Gear Solid, kill Silent Hills (But Silent Hill never really dies, does it?) then nuke the beautifully horrific P.T. demo which I never played and now never will. And now you’re launching a clothing line?
That’s right. Following a teaser image which sent waves of dread through the Internet (because at this point, everything Konami done is met with the same weary attitude of a pet rescue volunteer trying to handle a rabid dog), Konami have revealed the Metal Gear Solid: 1984 Collection, which I hoped (desperately) was going to be a re-imagining of the first two titles. How silly of me. Instead, we get this official line of shirts and hoodies.
They’re honestly not terrible, but I’m amused by their choice of models, who appear to be wearing the goods under duress. “Smiles?” a Konami rep asks cheerily, gesturing with an outstretched claw in response to the cameraman.
“Oh, no. No no no. No smiles here,” it hisses, mouth splitting to reveal a jigsaw of serrated bones. “We don’t sell smiles here. Now, again. With feeling.”