“Do you want to play a game,” RedTide asked me, “that features a cat riding a unicorn as part of the experience?”
“Only if it’s not a MOBA,” I replied.
“It’s not a MOBA.”
“I mean, it’s unicorns and cats.”
Except, it was Trials. I suck at Trials. I sucked at Trials HD, I sucked at Trials Evolution, and now I suck at Trials Fusion. I actually captured a bunch of videos of me wiping out to go with this review, but then I watched too much Netflix and downloaded too much stuff on Xbox LIVE this month, and now I’ve managed to cap my uncapped account (again), so no video and no real evidence of my dismal inadequacy except this confession. Which I’ll totally deny and blame on Dane if anybody asks, anyway. [Hmm? What? Sorry, I’m still staring at that magnificent header image. What were you saying? – Ed.]
So, Trials Fusion: Awesome Level Max is the game’s latest, humiliating testament to how much I suck at it, including the unicorns-and-cats “Awesome Adventure” – a series of eight tracks spanning a magical, mystical land filled with rainbows, black holes, and at least one despotic robot penguin – plus an additional 22 tracks bundled as “RedLynx vs. All-Stars”, split between the developer and community-generated content, and some new track editor stuff. Basically, it’s a million new ways to fail.
The “Awesome Adventure” tracks play out as a sort of series of hazy narrative events, where for some reason that’s not exactly explained you must use a massive catapult to launch yourself around a castle and assemble a team of retro pixelated feline heroes to help you defeat a boss because that totally makes sense if you’re tripping on military-grade hallucinogens. Most of the tracks warp in and out of different stages as you go, and somewhat unpredictably, so you’ll probably crash a lot on walls that weren’t even there a moment previously. That’s definitely my excuse.
Over in the “Red Lynx vs. All-Stars” playlist, you’ve got your more standard Trials line-up, ranging in difficulty from “I think I can do thi– oh, wait, no I’m still terrible” to “LOL NO”. I did manage to get, like, two gold medals though, so I can quit now. [All’s well that ends well, ‘ey? NOW ABOUT THAT HEADER IMAGE… – Ed.]