Welcome, to the desert, of the real. That’s from The Matrix, and totally unrelated to this column. But it’s a kick-ass quote and I’m trying to prepare you for the fact that nothing in this column is related to anything.
This is my monthly-quarterly-whateverly column on all the news that made headlines this month that eventually sent me raving, pantless, into a nearby Chicken Licken demanding a salmon California roll, hold the salmon.
So if you feel like this week can’t possibly get any worse, hit the jump and allow me to prove you wrong.
Quiet Nude Mod
Now look, I’ll be honest. When I was playing the original Tomb Raider and got a chance to see Lara Croft’s pixelated, triangular boobs in all their horrifically textured glory, I was excited.
The thing is, I was also like, 12. This was also around the time in my life I would put on a gruff voice, get Multichoice to reset the DSTV parental lock and watch Fashion TV for three hours hoping for less Speedos and more see-through dresses.
You see, all that makes sense. When a person is hungry enough, a diseased rat starts to look delicious. That was the state of porn access to an 11-year old in 1998, and Lara Croft’s vaguely sexual pyramids of pixels were my diseased rat.
This does not apply in 2015. In 2015, being 12 years old is like being a starving person with pizza falling out of your pockets, trying to dodge buckets of chicken raining down from the sky. Honestly, it’s harder to avoid porn on the internet than it is to find porn.
So please, please, can we stop with the nude mods. We’ve cordoned off porn into its own private internet party that everybody is invited to, and that’s enough.
Besides, a Quiet nude mod? Making Quiet naked is like adding bugs to a Ubisoft game – nobody really notices the difference.
Sega Dreamcast sold more than the Wii U
How the hell is this news? This is literally just an article saying, “Sure we all agree the Wii U blows some serious ass. But did you realise it sucked THIS BADLY?”
The Wii U is the Caitlyn Jenner of the tech world – it’s so easy to make fun of, it’s become uncool to do it.
Not cool guys, seriously not cool. What we need to doing instead is bestowing upon the Wii U the title of Console of the Year, to acknowledge its incredible bravery and ability to do nothing whatsoever.
Arkham Knight relaunches on PC
Holy shit does anybody care about this at all?
Relaunching Arkham Knight is like trying to relaunch Ebola. It might be better, it might be a different thing now, it might be making new promises.
But we just can’t forget that time it made us all bleed out of our asses and die.
Shenmue guy wants more money
Okay internet, you’re getting trolled, seriously. How is it that “Shenmue 3” has this enormous Kickstarter following, and yet nobody can produce Shenmue 1 or 2.
Following this development is like watching Memento – you come in somewhere in the middle, and by the end you realise nothing makes sense and everything is a lie.
All we’ve actually seen is the same three pictures of two wooden Asians with dead, soulless eyes and crappy clothing. If I wanted to look at shitty clothes and empty eyes I’d take a bathroom selfie.
Swarovski Halo 5 helmet
Much like cheese in a can or the second, third and fourth Transformers movies, a Halo 5 replica helmet covered in overpriced crystals is something nobody wanted.
What kind of self-respecting Halo fan is going to buy this? How do f**king Swarovski crystals in any way tie into the game?
It’d be like selling a replica of Deckard Cain’s staff but dipping it in gold first. It makes no sense. Let me tell you something – Deckard Cain was poor as shit.
I kept that asshole busy 24/7 identifying the assorted crap I picked up in the desert, and I made sure he lived a life of squalor before dying a peasant’s death. I laughed during his eulogy and handed out party hats.
And I never, not even once, stayed awhile and listened.
Assassin’s Creed Syndicate has crappy FPS and mediocre graphics
I had to take woodwork in school. I didn’t want to, but work is work. One time, I made an elastic gun, back before schools got closed down for doing shit like that.
Anyways, since I was lazy and bad at it, I left everything until the last minute and then tried to make this gun in a tiny amount of time.
It looked alright in the end, but the first time I loaded it I shot myself in the face and started crying and everybody else started crying because it was awful and I felt the floor sinking under my feet and I thought I was losing consciousness but that was when I noticed I was actually clipping through the wall and the world was above me and I was lost in abyss and everybody turned to horrific nightmare scarecrows and started jerking around like epileptic hand puppets and the AI was terrible and people started walking into walls and shooting the sky but it was okay because everything was moving slowly and it felt cinematic as shit.