benedict cumberbatch

So a few days ago, Dane Remendes put up a piece on which console users use Pornhub the most. Naturally, the PS4 came in first.

Interpret that statement however you want, you’ll learn something about yourself. Anyways, I feel like an important question wasn’t answered. Assuming we set the percentage of people who use their consoles for porn at around 94%, with 6% not knowing they could do that with a console, we can expect the porn usage figures to roughly match the console ownership figures.

What we should be asking instead, is HOW each console user, er, “uses” Pornhub. Pornhub doesn’t have such statistics, but thank the gods of scripted sex that you have me here to fill in the gaps.

PS4 – Furious and powerful

People who buy the PS4 do so because it’s the best, and they know it.

These are the guys who load up something classy, with a decent backstory, and allow the bit of extra buffer time for the HD – they know it’s worth it. There’s no skipping around here either, they watch the full 33 minutes, no spoilers.

These are the guys who make sure they have the house to themselves, draw the blinds, and get leisurely on the couch. Spread out a little. Maybe even a little uplifting trance to get the blood pumping – if you know what I mean.

Once they get going, there’s a relentlessness to the rhythm, with an undertone of angry anxiety. The pressure of being at the top, of staying on top, gets to everyone over time. This isn’t just about a little quality time practising the skin flute anymore, it’s a declaration of war. And they need to keep winning.

This is how it feels every time.

This is how it feels every time.

Xbox One – Shameful and quick

Xbox One owners are wracked with insecurity. They know they’re at the bottom, and as the gap widens each day there’s that little voice that says if they had just saved a little more, been a little less cheap, they’d be greedily watching YouTube videos of No Man’s Sky instead of waiting for Tomb Raider to go on sale.

These are the guys that fitfully click on whatever the top rated thing for the day is and hammer out a five minute session. They stare into the soulless eye of the Kinect and wonder if Steve Ballmer is on the other side, shaking his head like a disappointed father. The same headshake they got when they came home with a green box instead of a blue one.

After an unsatisfying conclusion, they begin to weep softly. Later, they decide to hunt loot in Destiny as a distraction, but are overcome with grief once more when they notice it’s in 900p.

Wii U – The frequent flyer

Wii U owners put “gamer” on their Twitter bios like I put “solid work ethic” on my CV – is it still true if it’s only valid for an hour or so a day?

The Wii U owner doesn’t have the same insecurity as the Xbox One owner – they’ve been out of the race so long they went home to watch the finish on TV. There’s no buyer’s remorse here, if you own a Wii U it’s because you couldn’t afford a real console.

So you load up one of the three games available, play it for a couple of hours and then decide to see what’s new on Pornhub, like a retired widower visiting an old friend.

Overwhelmed by having a screen filled with choices, you anxiously click whatever thumbnail looks most appealing – multiple pages of options is a reality you just can’t process. Your session is quick, dirty and f**king glorious. It’s the most fun you’ve had since you had that sleepover in junior school when you rented a PS2.

So you load up your games menu again, play one of your games with Mario in the title for twenty minutes, before you start to wonder what a certain old friend is up to again…

White was a strategic choice. They knew.

White was a strategic choice. They knew.

PS Vita – The psychopath

It’s difficult to even imagine what kind of sick monster purchased one of these things. A quick price search tells me that, even today, these abominations are going for R3K+.

Being mobile, the possibilities here are disturbing. This could be one of your co-workers – let’s call him Brad. Brad likes to tell jokes by the watercooler that are always just a little bit racist. Sometimes when you look up from your cubicle, you notice Brad staring at you intensely, but he always smiles when you catch his eye. There was that time Mark from accounting saw Brad sorting his fingernails into separate piles.

Brad is the kind of guy who you find “working late” at the office at 2am. Brad is the kind of guy who adds everyone he meets on Facebook, but only posts memes that are several years old. Brad is the kind of guy who exclusively uses Incognito Mode. Brad is the kind of guy who you find hunched over the toilet, bludgeoning the beefsteak while streaming Barnyard Bitches on the company Wi-Fi.

If you’re reading this Brad, Chris Kemp is a pseudonym. My real name is Wesley Fick, I live in Jeffrey’s Bay. Come at me bro.

Nintendo 3DS – The masochist

3DS owners are the crazed zealots of the gaming world. Nintendo-obsessed, they renounced real gaming after Nintendo’s console department collectively shot themselves in the face.

Refusing to touch another game since, they await the return of their messiah while replaying Pokemon titles on the toilet.

Alas, it is not enough to deny the simple pleasures of gaming – without a decent Mario platform, it is unjust to experience the carnal delights of self-flagellation. Pornhub is merely a vehicle of self-control – its content consumed, but not put to use. Like passing out Oculus Rifts at an Amish convention.

With the release of the Nintendo NX, this group remains hopeful that they too may audition their handpuppets once more.