facepalm statue

Now I know what you’re thinking, but this is no joke. These aren’t just minor inconveniences or complaints that I’m narcissistically inflating to suit my own purposes – these are the biggest problems, discussed here without bias or personal prejudice.

Without my reputation I am nothing, and my journalistic integrity would not allow me to include anything but the most serious of offenses in this list. With that in mind, read on to explore the greatest challenges facing gamers today.

White Knights

I’m all for equality in gaming. I think women and men should be treated equally, which is why I do my part for GamerGate every day by telling female gamers they’re filthy casuals – just like I would any man.

I was in a CS:GO game the other day, and one of my teammates was a woman who kept buying the crappiest SMG in the game despite having enough money for a Matrix-esque loadout. When I queried this (rather politely, I might add), three dudes instantly jumped down my throat.

These guys, THESE GUYS are the problem. This is Counter-Strike; you buy a rifle, you save for a rifle or you exit the game and immediately set yourself on fire because you have brought shame upon your family. And everyone should respect you enough to tell you that.

Mobile games that try to be real games

Let’s call a turd a turd – mobile games are garbage. Nobody is playing these because they’re the best available option, they’re playing them because they’re on the pooper and it’s slightly more entertaining than reading the back of the air freshener can.

This means they need to be short, simple and more like Snake. Honestly, just make everything Snake. In fact, give me back my 3310 so I can have two weeks of battery life and dropkick it into a pool and dry it off and send an SMS with every word contracted so it doesn’t charge me for two messages, forcing me to become the Please Call Me guy that everybody hated.

Patches

These have ruined games. Nobody cares if they release a broken game anymore, because hey we’ll just patch it into a semi-usable state while counting all our money, you suckers.

It’s like ordering a pizza where the delivery guy just throws a ball of cheese at you through your security gate, and comes back six months later with the base. It’ll probably be something disgusting like a cauliflower base as well, because you were Banting at the time but then they featured a pasta dish on MasterChef and you went out and ate three lasagnes.

Scrap that - I'll take four.

Scrap that – I’ll take four.

People without jobs beating me

I was on the Counter-Strike section of Reddit the other day and came across a thread that was suggesting a “great warmup”. I was intrigued, as my own current warmup involves not lapsing into a coma after dinner.

IT TAKES TWO HOURS. That’s my allocated gaming time for the entire day. I can’t even imagine the time luxury of having two hours available to get ready to play a game. Well actually I suppose I can, I just call it first year of varsity. I was probably the only student Rhodes University ever had who did his degree by correspondence.

Anyway, my point is screw that dude and his/her waking up at noon and his/her 6,000 hours of experience.

“Easy” mode

It’s impossible now to get a “small” meal from the likes of McDonald’s or KFC, because people don’t feel like they’re getting value. So instead they just start at medium and then tack on any number of X’s to get the large meal.

Similarly, I propose games start at “Hard” then progress steadily towards “F**king Impossible”. I’m old (28); sometimes I just want to lounge back and cruise through a game without really having to do all that much.

But I’d like to do that without feeling like I just took a Bronze medal in the Special Olympics.

No demos

The only differences between demos and Early Access games are demos were more polished and they were free.

Doesn’t that sound better? Yes, it does, because it is. It’s the difference between having sex with your wife and a roadside prostitute.

People talking to you about games you don’t care about

Hey man, just because I’m a gamer doesn’t mean that I give any semblance of a shit that you just hit level 25 in Barbie’s LEGO Adventure.

This is how these conversations usually go for me:

Moron: “Hey do you play Dark Souls?”

Me: “No. Nothing about Dark Souls appeals to me, I’d rather get leprosy and have my genitals fall off than play it or talk about it.”

Moron: “Oh man you should totally buy it – I just beat the dragon in the Red Keep; I didn’t think I’d be able to do it because I’m only a level 27 Dwarven Panty-Thief, but luckily I put extra skill points in skulduggery when I won the favour of the Mermaid of Justice…”

Judge: “You have been charged with seventeen counts of face stabbing, how do you plead?”

Woah easy on the thumbs down their bro this isn't Ancient Rome. And clean up your desk you slob. Also, Not Guilty.

Woah easy on the thumbs down there bro this isn’t Ancient Rome. And clean up your desk you slob. Also, Not Guilty.

Video game movies

Holy shit all of these are terrible. There have been as many good video game movies as there are good U2 songs. Studios have managed to get the comic book thing correct (sometimes), but the good video game movie is an elusive siren that has lured many actors’ careers to their deaths.

The only one I can recall that was vaguely passable was the first Mortal Kombat movie, but I think that was kept afloat mostly by the kick-ass soundtrack. As for the second one, we’ll pretend both that and J-Crew Raiden don’t exist.

Hell even the Need for Speed movie sucked ass, and they had seven The Fast and the Furious movies they could have cloned.

Aim assist

What is this, why is this even a thing? The whole point of aim is to AIM – why is this console doing it for me?

Here’s a novel idea – if your control input system is so crap at performing a function it needs artificial assistance, perhaps it’s just not suited to that function.

Age restrictions mean nothing

I’m tired of getting my melon popped off by some 11 year old who’s taken the day off school because he has a sore tum-tum and comes on the mic to tell me what a scrub I am in a voice that sounds like he’s been chemically castrated.

If your testicles are closer to your nipples than your toes, you need to GTFO out of my game and go finish colouring in that duck. This is a game for the grown-ups.

Honourable mentions: Peter Molyneux, Ubisoft, Phil Fish, bad ports, Peter Molyneux, platform exclusivity, Peter Molyneux

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