steam summer sale must haves

On your marks, get set, SPEND ALL YOUR MONEY ON GAMES YOU’LL PROBABLY NEVER EVEN HAVE TIME TO PLAY BUT IT’S OKAY BECAUSE THEY WERE CHEAP! It’s the STEAM SUMMER PICNIC SALE, and from NOW UNTIL 4 JULY, you can SAVE SAVE SAVE on games YOU DIDN’T EVEN KNOW EXISTED before today, but there’s A SCREENSHOT WITH DINOSAURS so YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TO BUY IT. ALL CAPS EXCITE. BOLD CAPS EXCITERER…ER.

In the interests of some pretense of responsible consumerism, however, we’ve made a list of our own Steam sale must haves and do wants so you can blame us when your mom, your spouse, or your empty grocery cupboard demands to know what happened to all the money in the bank. Seriously, though, if your empty grocery cupboard demands to know, like, anything, you might need to eat. Hallucination is the first stage of hunger, and that’s why donuts look nutritious. Science!

MUST HAVES

ARK: Survival Evolved

ark survival evolved

Oh look, it’s a screenshot with dinosaurs. You already know you have to buy it, but did you also know you get to ride dinosaurs? Because you get to ride dinosaurs. I mean, yes, it’s in the screenshot, but most of the time, that doesn’t mean it’s actually in the game. But this is actually in the game. Also, this one time, me and my tribe-tjommies spent five hours taming a T-Rex and then she got up, waddled into the sea, and was eaten by a megalodon. Okay, it wasn’t actually five hours because we were playing on a custom server and boosted the taming times, so it was only about 30 minutes. But if it had been five hours, it would have been even more hilarious. Maybe. Eventually. [Tarryn]

LA Noire

LA Noire

Rockstar and Team Bondi’s criminally underrated, hardboiled detect-’em-up takes its c(l)ues from classic adventure games like Police Quest and Laura Bow, and puts you in the gumshoes of rookie cop Cole Phelps in a neon-sleazy, 1940s Los Angeles. There’s a lot of smoking cigarettes and dusting for prints and calling out witnesses for lying (even if they’re not) as you move up and down the LAPD’s ranks, solvin’ crimes and bustin’ wise guys. The driving mechanics are bad, and the shooting mechanics are even worse, but the plot is intriguing and you get to wear a fedora because it was actually legitimately stylish in 1947. Was. [Tarryn]

Broforce

broforce blogroll

I have a special attachment to Broforce. It was one of the first local games I ever wrote words about, and it’s still one of my favourite games ever. It’s got it all: AMERICA? Check. Badass characters like Blade, Ellen Ripley from Alien, and MacGyver? Check. Explosions? You bet your ass! Basically, this game is awesome, made by local developers, and if you don’t buy it, you’re lame. [Tank]

The Orb Chambers

the orb chambers

Here’s a game many of you may have missed, but should seriously consider picking up. Made by a fellow Gauteng-er, Jay Brad Spann and his studio Star System Studios, The Orb Chambers is a charming little game about getting a sad-looking ball to a flag. It sounds simple, but it’s really not. It’s just the right amount of difficult, a ton of fun, and a fair bit of heart. [Tank]

Transformers: Devastation

transformers devastation

Ask yourself; what if Bayonetta could transform into a truck with rockets? Devastation has the answer, and at R175 with a 75% discount, you can find that answer out for yourself. [Matthew]

Oceanhorn: Monster of Uncharted Seas

oceanhorn

Next up is Oceanhorn: Monster of the Uncharted Seas, an indie title by Cornfox & Bros. It looks like Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past, but with Wind Waker’s visual style. It’s been on my radar for a long time, especially because there aren’t enough Zelda clones on PC. It’s only R64, and that’s 60% off its regular asking price. [Matthew]

Anything by Telltale Games

tales from the borderlands

“X” by Telltale Games, where “X” is whichever of their games you haven’t played. They’re all on special, and all for 50% or less of their regular prices. These also make great gifts, and are an excellent way to get a non-gamer gaming. [Matthew]

PayDay 2

Payday-2-overheard-image-1

Recently resurrected from the pit of microtransactions and silly decisions by 505 Games, PayDay 2 has gone from a solid “ignore” to “you can buy this again. The game maxes out at four players, but it’s a lot of fun for those times when you want to unwind, and it runs on a vast array of systems with little effort. Being a bank robber with your friends has never been this much fun, especially because you can actually complete heists in it. It’s also free for a week. [Wesley]

GTA V

GTA Cover

You know what you can’t do in GTA Online? Complete heists. I’ve gone months without being able to complete the second heist that Lester gives me because I can’t find reliable crew mates and the people I get put with are idiots with terrible aim. What better way to spend time with your friends, then, than to pull off heists in GTA Online and rise up in the ranks to become a criminal empire to be feared? Thanks to the latest updates, Rockstar has also embraced all the crazy parts of GTA Online and it’s become an amazing online community. [Wesley]

Counter-Strike: GO

The chicken is my only lesser.

Aside from the obvious jokes you’re going to have to endure from people who think that CS:GO isn’t an actual game, you’ll have to deal with a community of people who automatically think you’re a hack if you’re good with a gun. But that’s not why I recommend it. CS:GO’s team-based approach means that it needs friends who stick together when the flashbangs come down the hallway. Also, this game legitimately earns you money if you don’t waste your time on collecting or buying skins. [Wesley]

DO WANTS

Prison Architect

prison architect

Because I watched Orange is the New Black, so I already know everything there is to know about running a prison, and because I want to be a part of the corrupt, exploitative, morally reprehensible prison industrial complex. At the top, I mean. I can totally be corrupt, exploitative, and morally reprehensible for cash profits. Also, it looks a bit like Theme Hospital, and I had so much fun watching everybody vomit themselves to death in that game. I don’t know if you can feed cons to dogs in Prison Architect, but I want to find out. [Tarryn]

Sleeping Dogs

Sleeping-Dogs

I used to have a copy of the original Sleeping Dogs, and it was one of the best open-world games I’ve ever played. This seems like the perfect time to pick up the Definitive Edition which includes all the DLC I never got to play. [Tank]

Stardew Valley

stardew valley

My number one buying priority is Stardew Valley. It was already cheap to begin with, and at R128 it’s a steal. I’ve wanted it for a while now, especially because I’ve never played Harvest Moon and its mix of farming and RPG looks right up my alley. [Matthew]

Punch Club

punch club

I really want Punch Club. It’s dirt cheap at R28, concerns managing a boxer’s career, and pits you against at least one alligator in a fisticuffs bout. I am so happy I got to write that sentence. [Matthew]

Rust

Rust-image-2176835

Do you like losing faith in humanity? No? I do. Rust embraces the dark side of human nature by allowing you to be as much of a dick as you want to anyone on the server, especially if you’re a much higher level than they are. It’s an emergent survival game that constantly takes steps to screw with its player base to study human psychology, and it’s a well-known title among gamers looking for something different that isn’t DayZ. I’m personally picking this up in the sale. [Wesley]

Dead by Daylight

dead by daylight

An asymmetric multiplayer title that puts you as the maniacal killer of those idiot teens you see in B-grade horror flicks that end up dying in amusing ways. Think Evolve, but with the spirit of Until Dawn. IN MY VEINS PLEASE. [Wesley]

DOOM

doom 4

It’s like the original. Only it’s pretty much as fast. Or faster. How do I complain about this game? [Wesley]