pokemon go

Since the last one of these made the top of the What’s Popular list (which certainly had absolutely nothing to do with me standing over a ball-gagged Dane Remendes with a whip for three days while he mashed the F5 key, lashing him every time he nodded off), I decided to write one again.

Just kidding, I just had nothing to write about and precisely the right combination of rage and cynical despair coursing through my body this morning. Hit the jump to see everything that made the news this week that failed to produce any number of ducks for me to give.

Suicide Squad sucks

This should not come as a surprise to anyone who’s seen the trailer. Even the most offensively pisspoor movies usually have trailers that make them look good, so when this one looked about as appealing as a twice-eaten polony sandwich left in the sun for three days I assumed the director had been recently lobotomised or just got his pay in advance.

The jokes are horrible, the acting is pisspoor and Will Smith trying to portray a bad guy works about as well as Schwarzenegger in a musical.

Movie news in general

Don’t get me wrong here, I love movies about as much as I imagine I would love sex inside a birthday cake, but the way they’ve been creeping their way into gaming websites is making me uncomfortable. Not quite sleepover-at-Michael-Jackson’s-house uncomfortable, but somewhere in that spectrum.

It’s like one of the editors got a little loose and said “I guess Star Wars stuff is okay” and three months later while looking for gaming news to appease you pitchfork-toting peasants I have to scroll past four trailers of whatever that dude from Twilight with a face like a melting candle is starring in this month.

If you can’t relate to my anxiety just imagine the next time you went to Spur (for the Monday burger special, you cheap asshole) they handed you a Sushi menu.

Chips and onion rings with that?

Chips and onion rings with that?

Analog Stick Covers – Worthwhile or Worthless?

Truly the great mystery of our time. Be sure to check out some of this writer’s other fine work: “Power Buttons – Necessary Evil or Corporate Conspiracy” and “Bread: Toasted or Plain?”

I couldn’t even bring myself to click through to the actual article, I had to keep scrolling before I started to wonder if maybe analog stick covers are worthless and my entire life has been a lie.

Xbox One S

Microsoft have finally created the thing everybody wanted… three years ago.

This is the perfect complement to any home entertainment system that currently houses a VHS player and Pentium 4 PC.

If you’re the type of person that boils their kettle on a stove and call their microwave a “science oven” this might be the perfect product for you. For those of you who stopped reading physical newspapers a decade ago and haven’t bought a stamp since you were a child, you may want to hold out for the actual next Xbox.

It takes one game to kill a franchise – Opinion

I’m not sure who let this poor bastard out of his cage long enough to publish an article, but they should be tried for crimes against humanity for making me click through to an article with size 10 Times New Roman white text on a black background.

I felt so dirty for giving this tech-savvy chimpanzee a click I had to soak my hands in an acid bath for several hours. In terms of his the title (I gave up trying to read the actual “article”), I have prepared a rebuttal:

No it doesn’t.

Exhibit A.

Exhibit A.

EA Origin gets upgraded

I hate everything about these stupid launchers that we’re forced to use to run games today. I remember when Origin came out everyone complained about EA separating their games from Steam, as if Steam isn’t a big mouldering pile of rhinoceros shit itself.

I can’t fathom why Steam is touted as the Lord and Saviour of the PC gamer when it’s uglier than Caitlyn Jenner (that’s right I SAID IT), their menus are about as intuitive as the Home Affairs office, it breaks down more often than a French-made car and it takes about as long to load as Melissa McCarthy takes to reach the top of a staircase.

Right I think I’ve offended just about everyone, we can probably move on.

Anything Pokemon Go

Settle down, folks. Now I know you all like to spread those heartwarming pictures on Facebook of adults being “totally hip” with Pokemon Go and accusing all dissenters of being fun-hating killjoys who spend their weekends doing tax returns and cleaning their pools.

But I laid aside my prejudices and actually tried Pokemon Go, and it might be one the most garbage applications I’ve ever tried to use. The interface is awful, the “augmented reality” is just a cartoon figure placed randomly in the middle of my viewfinder (usually floating in midair) like one of those heinous “stickers” people put on their pictures and the map looks like it was drawn by me, in MS Paint.

Its popularity seems to be predicated entirely on the franchise and people’s need to obsessively collect and level up things. Not to mention it drains your battery faster than streaming 4K porn over WiFi while videocalling your Mom, which is also a weird thing to do that I do not recommend.

Much like The Force Awakens, this just isn’t really very good.