Look at me, I’m a rainbow. A rambunctious kitten with a ball of wool. Your high school maths teacher spontaneously combusting in a glitter-dazzled explosion of blood and teeth and gore.
I am the very apotheosis of joy, the cupcake-wielding enemy of despair, and I am here today to tell you why everything is fantabulous without resorting to cheap dick jokes and obscene innuendos. Because I’m bigger than that. Or so your mom told me last night, anyway.
I love wireless peripherals
Okay, I don’t love wireless peripherals. I don’t even like them and since I replaced my old Logitech MX 610 mouse about a million years ago, I don’t own any unless my Xbox controllers count, and they don’t because that would entirely subvert my misappropriated pretensions of superiority. I only included this one to be a contrary asshole. Sorry, no, a charming gnome who always says the opposite of what she means. You probably don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore. Neither do I.
Yes, lady gnomes totally, probably have beards. It’s where I keep my spare Xbox controller batteries.
Chris has unresolved issues
He wrote one of those hate-out-of-ten Uncharted 4 reviews, and the court of public opinion condemned him to hang at the crossroads for the crows to peck at, and he isn’t over it more than three months later. I love the smell of schadenfreude in the morning. Mmmmm. I’m licking it up out of Chris’s beard, and it tastes like NikNaks and existential dread. I haven’t even played Uncharted 4, but I know it’s the best game ever because the internet said so. Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyaaaaah-nyah. Also, it’s spelled “cazh-bang”.
No Man’s Sky, however, is definitely not the best game ever.
But Deus Ex: Mankind Divided is out now, so it doesn’t even matter
And it’s so rad. I mean, I assume it is. I’ve decided to finish the game without tripping alarms or killing anybody, so I’ve spent more time reloading saves than actually, like, playing. I must’ve clocked four or five hours yesterday, and I’ve only completed two missions.
You can expect my review sometime in 2020, just in time for the next sequel.