New Year’s resolutions are, on the whole, pretty stupid. It’s a great way to set yourself up for bitter disappointment when you find out the year on your smartphone homescreen changed, you didn’t. At all. Still, that doesn’t stop us making them (myself included), so I thought I’d get a headstart and get through them now so that I can let myself down now before 2017 begins.

So have a look at my hopes and dreams for twenty-seventeen, then share yours in the comments.

Stop neglecting my PS4

So the thing about my PS4 is that in a long and uninteresting and vaguely illegal story I got it for free. Perhaps that’s why I don’t appreciate it as much as I should – things you get for free tend to be like that, which is why your parents have never loved you.

Still, I enjoyed playing Trackmania for a while and Destiny was fun for roughly ten minutes, so maybe it deserves another look. Obviously playing any FPS title would require a blood sacrifice and selling my soul to the Pagan gods of hypocrisy, but I’m thinking of picking up something meaty like The Witcher 3.

On a sale, of course.

Don’t play things I don’t like

You can tell this is a Chris Kemp column since you’ve just stumbled upon this absolutely f**king sage nugget of wisdom, about as useful as me advising you not to brush your teeth with an impact drill or to “upgrade” to Windows 10.

I’m sticking with it though, because I am absolutely bloody brilliant at playing games I hate. And considering the amount of times I’ve found myself stuck in a League of Legends game with at least four other people who were just about ready to cut their wrists with their mousepad I’d say I’m not the only one.

See they dress it all up with pretty splash art and you don’t realise they’ve slipped a ballgag into your mouth and led you into a torture dungeon.

Competitive or grindy games tend to suck you into this vortex of repeated plays without any introspection on how long ago you actually stopped enjoying yourself. This year I won’t be wasting my time on things that don’t make me happy. Unless of course I’m being paid to be unhappy, which is the tortured existence of the millennial.

Avoid the new hotness

“New hotness”? Did I sleep for fifty years and wake up age 80? Still, I’m leaving it in there as an artefact of shame. Like any of you unwashed peasants when I’m not at the retirement home’s weekly bingo night picking up sweet new catchphrases I’m reading gaming news and getting my jimmies all rustled about the latest and greatest coming out.

This is bad for several reasons – most new games suck. Alright that’s only one reason, but I feel like it was a solid one. It seems the majority of new releases suck enormous ass for the first couple of months ago, and then either continue to blow donkey balls or get panelbeaten into a passable game with several patches.

2017 will be the year of hipster gaming, where I won’t go near anything that doesn’t have an antique, musty odour hanging around it.

Diversify

Alright, everything you read up until this point has been a lie. I actually only play Overwatch and Counter-Strike, and occasionally I’ll throw in a DotA 2 because I like to remind myself I’ve still got it (I don’t).

I want to expand my horizons in 2017. I want to give an RPG a chance. I want to play a Civ game, and maybe set some Sims on fire. Play through a Doom mod or buy a Humble Bundle and install more than one of the games.

Yeeeeaaaaah.

Enjoy things that don’t involve sitting

Here’s a great gaming resolution – play less games. For me, 2016 was the year I discovered modern board games (as you’ve probably noticed), and it’s been awesome to get that same kind of challenge and strategic outlet I used to get from video games in a different medium. Truthfully, board games do it better.

It’s still a lot of sitting though. As much as I’d like to diversify my gaming experiences, I feel driven to get involved in things that require me to move around a bit more, and I don’t mean a Wii Fit or DDR. Hell, maybe I’ll try Pokemon Go again.

Lol, kidding.