Greetings readers, and welcome to NAG Online’s Holiday Gift Guide! I say “NAG Online’s Holiday Gift Guide” and not “Chris Kemp’s rambling list of garbage suggestions” because the office is shut down and I can get away with whatever I want.
So then, for a comprehensive guide full of great ideas for gifts, try Google. Otherwise, hit the jump.
For the dude with spinners on his 2002 Jetta: RGB Mousepad
If you have the misfortune of being friends with that dude with the car with the blue light circle underneath like it’s trying to abduct the road and explodes in a cloud of exhaust smoke when he’s pulling out of the church parking lot, I have the perfect gift for you.
This bullshit right here:
I can only imagine the amount of “look-at-me” coursing through your body to feel you need to fork out 1000 bucks on a mousepad that looks like a gay pride parade, but as Abraham Lincoln once said, “It’s better than the back of a YOU magazine.”
For the person who still believes: Companion Cube
Let’s get this one out of the way early. As another year goes by with no Half-Life 3 to show for it and Gaben continues to cavort around on stage dressed like a hobo pretending we care about anything that isn’t Half-Life 3, we need something to help us get through.
So why not this grim reminder that Valve is perfectly capable of making incredible games in the Half-Life universe, they just mostly choose not to.
I recommend the plushy version as it soaks up tears the best.
For the FPS guy: Titanfall 2
The original Titanfall was criminally underrated and sidelined by the star players – Call of Duty and Battlefield. Luckily EA recognised how great the first game was, greenlit a big-budget sequel and then… shoehorned the release between Battlefield and Call of Duty.
Smart. This is my recommendation because Mr FPS Bro probably already has whichever big release of the year he decided to get behind and completely ignored the best of the lot. This IP is continually underappreciated, and it has that classy I-buy-vinyls-because-the-sound-is-better feel to impress your lady friends. Also perfect as a gift to yourself.
For the person who’s forgotten how to interact with other humans: Doom: The Board Game
Gaming is, by all reasonable accounts, fun as shit. So fun, in fact, that we can quite happily spend 12 hours doing it and oh my is that the sun what time is it I think I was supposed to go to lunch with Grandma three weeks ago but she’s been dead for four years.
It feels good to unplug sometimes, but instead of doing something overly ambitious like exercise or a healthy diet, why not sit around a table with friends and game some more? I preach a lot about the awesomeness of boardgames, but for a smoother transition why not check out the just-released-like-yesterday Doom.
Based on the IP (specifically, the newest game) this fast-paced brutal 1vMany game has the sickest damn minis you didn’t know you needed in your life until right this moment.
For the hipster: A ball mouse
The only way to truly defeat the nefarious hipster is to make them so hipster that they fall apart from the inside out. I am aware that did not make any sense, and yet you still know what I mean. So maybe it made perfect sense?
Regardless, every hipster is getting a f**king ballmouse from me for Christmas so they can relive the joy of blowing out the dust and have the cursor jump across the screen like Lebron James. It should go nicely with their tweed jackets, sense of entitlement and total disconnect from reality.
For the series binger: Google Chromecast
I’m not sure what generation these things are on at the moment, but I’m still rocking the original one and it’s perfect, and it cost me like 300 bucks.
These let you stream pretty much anything you want from pretty much any device in your home straight to your TV, and a glorious app called Videostream even lets you browse the contents of your hard drive and select videos to stream to your TV.
It’s basically an Apple TV except a tenth of the price, more streamlined and with less issues. So like every product similar to an Apple product then.
For that person you actually kind of hate: No Man’s Sky
What better way to tell someone you hope they spend their Christmas dying in a garbage fire than giving them the most disappointing release of 2016.
It’s got that delightful bit of ambiguity when you could have been giving them what you think is a AAA title with tons of cool features, but really you’re giving them a big old pile of donkey shit and forcing them to play it out of guilt. Genius.