Greetings NAGullians and welcome to 2017. As we gaze hopefully into the horizon of 2017, trying to ignore the smell of the rotting garbage truck that was 2016, I thought it would be a good idea to kick things off with a look at what is in the gamer pipeline for this year.

After the jump I’ll talk about what games I’m looking forward to playing, and then what games I’m looking forward to bitching about on the internet.

The Hotness

Death Stranding

My new thing is really weird shit. The new, shiny, blockbuster releases of the year have kind of lost their lustre for me.

The last Call of Duty I actually played was Ghosts (not the best to go out on), and generally new games that interest me are things that are a little outside of the standard formula, or anything that shameless taps into my good-old-days nostalgia.

I’m not much of a Kojima fanboy, but seeing an animated Guillermo Del Toro toting around a baby through a beach-sewer is weird enough that I’m interested regardless. Plus like any self-respecting heterosexual man I’d switch teams for Norman Reedus.

Quake Champions

Aaaand now I’ll invalidate everything I said about not being interested in blockbuster releases. Id Software has a special place in my cold gamer heart as the cornerstone of my inappropriate childhood gaming, so anything under the Doom or Quake umbrella has my immediate attention.

I was pretty scathing of Quake Champions when it was first announced as it seemed like one of my favourite IPs of all time was being mutilated into some kind of Overwatch clone, but after seeing the trailer I had to eat my words and admit that it looked much closer to an authentic Q3A-like experience than I had initially anticipated. My excitement level has thus been returned from low level optimism to level underripe banana.

Kingdom Hearts 3

It’s been a really long time since I played the original Kingdom Hearts, but I remember being blown away by the gameplay in spite of being a 12-year old who was way too cool for Disney characters.

The memory is a little fuzzy and I never played the second one as I was in full PC-master-race-mode, but from what I remember of the original it seems like just the kind of thing I could get into today, particularly since I’ve acquired a PS4 and joined the unwashed masses.

I’m still too cool for Disney characters though.

The Notness

Destiny 2

I actually own the original Destiny, mostly because I picked it up for like R150 on a sale. I know it has its fans, but I found it wholly forgettable. I tried to get into it and it was fun for a bit, but there was just nothing really there to keep me invested.

It was also supposed to go for ten years or something, wasn’t it? I’m sure the original plan for the game was to be expanded upon and developed over a long period of time, but Activision have just decided that wouldn’t quite fund Bobby Kotick renaming Jupiter so they’ve gone ahead with a sequel instead.

For Honor

I know very little about this game, because nothing about it has ever interested me. Like maybe I’d be really into it if I so much as watched a video for it, but it’s sort of like saying to me “bro, you will f**ken LOVE embroidery if you just watch this 20 minute YouTube tutorial”. I just really don’t want to.

Something about swordfighting with a controller just seems awkward as hell, but this could just be a combination of being so bad at The Witcher 2 it caused permanent psychological damage and my staunch belief that no swordfighting game will ever equal Star Wars Jedi Knight 2 Jedi Academy.

Is this game actually awesome and I’m a moron? Tell me how big of a stupid I am in the comments.

Assassin’s Creed: Empire

I’d like to say this franchise lost me a while ago, but really they never had me. I am pure and untainted. Like Oprah in a pool of milk.

I’m not sure where I was going with that deeply disturbing image, so let me just tell you that this franchise has been PC-hostile and poorly developed for the last several hundred iterations so I have no interest in buying in at this point.

Star Citizen

Is this even a 2017 game? Is it even a game? All I know about this project, really, is that it’s some kind of enormously overambitious space mess that has more game modes than Dane Remendes has nipple hairs and is almost certain to implode in on itself at some point and take everybody’s Kickstarter money with it.

Oh and the guy running the show seems to be some kind of egotistical douchebag as well. Giant space messes really aren’t my genre at the best of times, but this one seems to be more a black hole (for your money). Metaphor game on point.