Back by popular demand! Just kidding, nobody demands anything from me, except safewords. I’m writing this now because talking about the news that’s come out over the last month has about the same appeal to me as covering myself in honey and rolling around in a pit of spiders. Large, sexually aggressive spiders.

In case you’re new here, News I Don’t Care About is a sporadic, poorly written column in which I dredge up the poorest excuse for news articles I can find and mock them, then ask you all to join in in the comments (or just mock me, that works as well).

Here’s how Nintendo Switch cases compare with Wii U cases

This is a ballsy attempt at calling something “journalism”. But attempting to convince us all that this particular bag of steaming feces has more journalistic value than watching Roseanne eat an entire Greek chocolate cake with her feet (it doesn’t), he decides to drop all pretense of integrity and teabag our bare, sweaty foreheads with this line: “Many have been wondering how Nintendo Switch cases compare with Wii U cases”.

I think it’s safe to say more people have wondered what they’re going to do with their inexorably-expanding plastic bag collection or if their Tamagotchi is still alive in a box somewhere in their parents’ house.

Is the Xbox One irrelevant?

No.

Respawn dev says “f**k no” to Titanfall 2 on Switch

Spoiler warning: the dog dies, Bruce Willis was dead the whole time and the Switch isn’t as powerful as current-gen consoles.

As Snape said to Harry, right after killing Dumbledore, “it’s time to move on”. The Switch is a slick console, and a handheld, and apparently a cool thing to take to your next pickup basketball game. It’s Nintendo, it’s doing it’s own thing and no it’s not going to run whatever the latest Naughty Dog PS4 Pro game is two years from now.

The Last of Us: Remastered: Then Remastered Again

This isn’t news, and Kevin Spacey is actually Keyser Soze.

And it’s her head in the box.

Sony is working on a “large number of unannounced games”

This is the kind of clickbait that only works if you’re fishing for morons. Allow me to rephrase this title: “Company that makes games is continuing to make games”. Holy shit, that’s more intense than watching Schindler’s List on sativa.

The fact that this was one of the most popular gaming articles of the last month makes me so hopelessly sad for the human race that I’m strongly considering converting all my worldly goods into tins of baked beans and killing myself with the jagged edge of the last tin I eat.

Suspicious man spotted at Nintendo Switch event

I take the clickbait so you don’t have to – I’m a team player. The “suspicious man” was Shuhei Yoshida, the big cheese over at Sony Interactive Entertainment.

If you’re wondering what is suspicious about a man’s whose career is the gaming industry going to a big gaming event, you don’t have what it takes to be a journalist I’m afraid. I assume next month’s big exposé is going to be that he has a Steam account, which will be the biggest scoop since we found out the Oros man drinks Energade on the weekends.

 

Overwatch skin makes Mei look thinner

I’m all on board with stopping the trend of female protagonists in video games not wearing dental floss over their nipples and calling it armour, but an outcry over a Mei skin making her less chunky than she used to be is bloody absurd. On the scale of things I give a shit about Mei losing 5kg is somewhere between the price of store-brand fishpaste and Edward Norton’s shoe size.

Blizzard had to come out and apologise, saying it was a “bug in the code”, which sounds vaguely like when “hackers” in bad movies say they need to “download more RAM through the TCP pipeline to defrag the CPU”. Diversity is great and all, but this fanatical policing of character portrayals has to be taken down a few notches. Just like Mei’s belt heyooooooooooooooooooooooo

Triggered.

Skate 4 is not happening

Do you know why we never got a sequel to Waterworld? Because aside from me and everyone I knew when that movie came out, nobody wanted one. Okay Waterworld is a shit example because it’s one of the greatest and most underappreciated cinematic experiences of our time. Forget Waterworld, substitute in Titanic, that never had a sequel either.

Skateboarding games have been dead to me since Tony Hawk 3, which was the last passable one I played after the masterpiece that was Tony Hawk 2. Nobody cares about Skate 4 because people didn’t care enough about Skate 3, which is why there’s no Skate 4.

It’s like, circular, man.

Wait what the hell is this shit?