I couldn’t make this stuff up, but Black Desert Online player Kimochi’s imagination exceeds my own, apparently. After getting busted for repeatedly killing other players, Kimochi was told by a moderator that he’d have to own up to his own “secret desire to be included” with an essay on the matter, or be banned from the game.

So, he wrote some smut. Obviously.

“I was killing everyone I saw,” Kimochi told PCGamer. “It’s not something that people in Black Desert are really accustomed to because the penalties [for killing innocents] are really harsh.”

For whatever reason, though, he had a particular, maybe not entirely inexplicable hatred for in-game roleplayers – those people who take things maybe a bit too seriously with the “thee” and “thou” and “mine throbbing wand” stuff and whatever – and spammed the chat with “Death to RPers!” before meting out his brand of nerd justice.

“The Pantheon is aware of your campaign to bring forth the destruction of the Roleplayers,” moderation Rhotaaz explained in an email to Kimochi. “The Pantheon is also aware of your secret desire to be included amongst their number and this will be taken into consideration when finalising your judgement.”

Kimochi was then tasked with writing “The History and Story” of his elf ranger character, comprising “exactly 501 word, no more, no less”. And so he did. And then it was removed from the game’s forums two hours later because of the bad grammar, inconsistent case and punctuation, and lack of a compelling narrative, and also because, I mean, read it for yourself on Reddit. Probably NSFWish, and definitely… rapey.

Astonishingly enough, however, this cheap erotic oeuvre managed to persuade Rhotaaz. I guess he’s into that kind of thing? I dunno.

“Despite the contentious nature, the Pantheon has acknowledged that the terms of the challenge have been met,” he announced. “However, Kimochi of House Dremlock, we utter this warning. Ignore it at your peril!

“We will watch you in the rumbling hills, We will watch you on the trade routes, We will watch you battle Bheg, We will watch you on the forums, We will watch you on Reddit, We will watch you on Calpheon 2.”

Meanwhile, back at PCGamer, he confessed to Steven Messner that his crusade isn’t even over. “Am I going to keep spamming the chat? No,” he said. “Am I going to keep killing RPers? Absolutely.”

So. Um. Er.