I have kind of a thing for the Vex, so when Destiny 2’s first expansion was introduced with – omg – the Vex in it, I was super hyped. THE VEX, YOU GUYS. Although the series has (not unreasonably) been criticised for its prissy, techno-metaphysical expository pretensions and somewhat incoherent narrative, those time-travelling cybernetic robothings and their creepy machine worlds are legitimately intriguing. What exactly is their deal, even? I couldn’t wait to find out.

… I didn’t find out. I’ll get back to that.

Game info

So much for the Vex, but what about the marketing blurbs? “The most notorious Guardian in Vanguard history” is also in it, according to every trailer. Actually, I dunno much about Osiris besides the occasional eponymous event in Destiny, but okay. Notorious. Oooooh, I bet there’s a story here. Maybe I’ll find out.

I didn’t find that out, either.

In fact, I hardly even met the guy. And even though he was obviously stuck in some sort of complicated Vex plot, I couldn’t tell you exactly what it was. Something about… Mercury, in the past. Or the present. Or the future. Or all three, simultaneously. Or some space in between. Who knows? That prissy, techno-metaphysical expository pretensions and somewhat incoherent narrative thing, but it’s over in, like, two and a half hours anyway, so it probably doesn’t even matter.

Mercury is kind of nice, I suppose, but it’s so small, it might’ve been a multiplayer map that Bungie decided to use as a new location instead to save development costs. The Infinite Forest, a somewhat randomised destination featuring a mix of the planet’s multiple timelines, demonstrates some real design ingenuity but – for totally inscrutable reasons – it’s unavailable outside of the otherwise mostly uninteresting campaign missions. Which include both new strike missions, so they don’t even count.

It’s very pretty, though. So that’s something.

Everything about Curse of Osiris feels perfunctory and unfinished, like an expansion that was launched so it didn’t miss its obligatory content schedule date, and not because it’s a meaningful addition to the game. Because that’s what it is.

NOThis is the worst expansion ever.

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