The 'writing' thread

[Bonezmann]

After the discussion about writing in the FAQ thread, I thought I'd test my 'writing skills' and wrote this small scene. I always had this dramatic betrayal scene in my head, and thought I'd use it.

Also thought we could share our 'writing' in this thread, stories and such. Here's mine:


It was raining; they were on their way to the mall when she found the strange piece of garment underneath the driver?s seat ?Why would you do this to me?? asked Sharon as she held the unfamiliar underwear up. She was standing in the drive-way. Her long brown hair was curling; it always did that when it got wet, she was soaking. Jason looked at her, speechless. He didn?t want to admit the affair he had with Ashlee, Sharon?s co-worker, but he decided she deserves more than some lame excuse about how it came to be in his car. He walked up to her, the rain was cold. It was cold and hard like the truth he was about to tell her.

He stood there in front of her, the rain was running down his face and he?s short hair was dripping wet. ?It? It?s Ashlee?s? he muttered in a hard yet honest voice. Sharon?s fears had been confirmed, her fianc? was cheating on her with a co-worker, a co-worker that only worked at her company for three months. She took a deep breath, ?Since when?? she said, the tears were imminent, there was no way she could stop them after the answer he would give her as she had her suspicions. ?Since your trip to London? he said, even he started to get tears in his eyes. He couldn?t bear to see her like this. It was awful. ?That was even before she started working at my firm, Jason! How the? How the hell did you do it?? Jason wanted to go inside; it was damn cold, ?Let?s go inside and?? ?No! I want to know right now!?

?It was the night before you came home, the night before she started working at the firm, the night before you met her, it was the night when you weren?t there Sharon!? he said. ?She was new in town and I saw her sitting in the bar.? Sharon clenched her fists and shouted ?So you, an engaged man flirted with her?? ?I didn?t know her! I thought it would be innocent and I?d never see her again, but it became more. We couldn?t stay away from each other, even after you returned.?

Sharon was crying heavily, she couldn?t believe that the truth could hurt so much. She sat down on her knees; she didn?t care about the wet cement or the wet grass underneath her. ?I can?t believe you cheated on me with a colleague of mine before I even met her? she said, crying heavily. Jason moved over to her and tried to touch her shoulder to comfort her. ?Leave me alone you disgusting pig! She shouted. She never thought she?d call him that; she loved him so much, which was why it hurt so much more.

She mustered up the energy to stand up; she walked to him and put the underwear in his hands. ?Here!? she said. ?Send my regards to Ashlee when she moves in with you, because I?m moving out!? She turned around furiously and climbed into the car, slamming the door shut and before Jason could stop her, she pulled out into the drive way and sped down the street?


As always, comments and suggestions are appreciated and I'm looking forward to other stories as well. :)

PS:I searched the forum for a similar thread but couldn't find anything. I searched off-topic and Lifestyle, so if I missed it, please redirect to the correct thread.

[uro]

There was once a similar "write your own short stories" thread, but I don't think thats any reason to stop this one, plus my story in that one was a bit sh1te on second reading, so I wanna have another go here.

[Tryxst3r]

Thanks for the thread, I'll post some of my pieces tomorrow; if I can find them.

[Graal]

The following piece is from a novel I was busy writing. It wasn't even necessarily going to be used. Also, take note that this was written more than a year ago and the cliche names and all were just there as placeholders until I found better names for all character's, factions and places.



"Well, you obviously know of the Black Guard?" he enquired.
"Who doesn't?"
"Who doesn't indeed. Well, all of us here are descendants of the original Black Guard, or at least, that used to be the criteria for joining,"he looked out across the training teenagers,"It's become almost impossible to prove who is and who isn't, it has after all been 700 years since their time."
"But why do you have so few members?"
"It's because of the trials, not half of those who try make it and many more don't survive the missions they're set afterwards. If you had to ask me, I think it's better that way. It ensures that we are comprised of only the toughest, most agile and intelligent individuals. Brings us so much closer to what our ancestors used to be, unlike the mockery who roam the streets today, calling themselves the Black Guard."
"And what happens if I fail these trials?"Jake asked.
"Well, it depends on which one you fail, but in the end it comes down to you dying, either the trial kills you, we kill you, or the Black Guard does."

It was something about a kind of assassin's guild consisting of people under the age of 20, and how they wanted to dispose of the city's guardians, who were supposed to the following in the footsteps of the Black Guard* from centuries ago, but were basically just a corrupt group of ruffians employed by the king who was through some magnificent way abusing his citizens without their knowledge.

My story would have started with Jake*, who joined the secret faction, didn't really become an exceptional assassin, but learned still became better than average. He would've progressed through the story and dethroned the king, overthrew the mock Black Guard and through some cliche feeling of nobility not have ascended the throne.

Unfortunately, after planning most of the story, I didn't really know how to start the story and lost interest in it after reaching a writer's block for a month or more. It felt like other people wouldn't want to read my story and that I'd end up spending perhaps years of my life writing a cliche.

*Just placeholders until I found more suitable names.

Edit: I'll see if I can find more of these, as I wrote quite a few scenarios before I planned on starting the novel. Most of them are about confrontation, important plot parts and other events that would have stood out. As always, feedback, suggestions and criticism, positive and negative, is welcome.

[Sir PaniCore]

I'm Currently finishing off the planning of a story I wish to incorporate into a novel I'll post some intresting pieces when I get to writing them.

[Graal]

He watched her as she stood in front of the window, gazing out at something he did not see. Detaching himself from the shadows, he stepped on something which slid out from under him, almost making him fall.

She turned around at the noise, moonlight framing her face and making her hair glow with a silver sheen. Her beauty still captivated him, despite what he was about to do.

“****,” he swore silently. He was nervous, which made him hasty and clumsy.

He could only stare at her while she searched for the source of the disturbance.

“Show yourself, whoever you are,” she challenged , her voice trembling slightly,”If you’ve come for me, at least have the decency to show yourself so that I can see what my murderer looks like.”

He stepped into the light, allowing her to see him.

“Oh, thank Ithane it’s you, for a moment I thought – oh!”she exclaimed when she saw something glint at his side.

“I’m sorry,” his heart broke at the look on her face.

“You won’t do it...”

“I have no choice, I’m sor-“he couldn’t finish his sentence as he choked on his tears.
Suddenly, she ran and embraced him, not wanting to let go of her lover, knowing this was their last moment together. She tried to kiss him, but he would not return the kiss. He had already made his mind.

“Promise me one thing,” she pleaded, tears starting to well at the edges of her eyes.
He merely looked away, fearing that she would ask him to spare her life. When she got no answer she continued.

“Don’t let my death be in vain, make sure you end what you have begun.”

He responded by kissing her and bringing the knife up behind her at the same time, nicking one of her arteries. They continued kissing until the poison finished it’s job.

Another extract. Once again, it's not even really in the planning phase yet, so it isn't very good and requires a lot of proof reading and editing. I've decided to continue the novel and see what happens.

As always, comments and criticism are welcome and appreciated.

[Bonezmann]

I enjoyed that Graal! It was nice, continue with the novel...

This is actually more of a 'blog post', but what the hell. Hopefully it'll gather a little chuckle out of someone somewhere...


The other day I was watching some children's shows with a kid in order to get the little rascal to sleep. However the poor kid could not sleep due to me laughing my ass off at all the crap they throw at our poor little toddlers but one show in particular caught my eye.

There were these two big-ass fat pigs, each with a green head almost bigger than their bodies. The noses were shaped like badly grown bananas that were cut in half. These two pigs were freaking hideous! Immediately the thought came to my mind. Holy crap! They look like the children of the saw pig!

Now, everyone who has seen any of the “SAW” movies knows that other than a twisted little puppet on a tricycle, there is this ugly pig-mask that jigsaw or his apprentice uses to kidnap people. This thing is in fact so nasty that I’m getting shivers up my spine just thinking of it, I might not be able to sleep tonight either. Amongst me and some of my friends this –thing- became known as the “saag-vark” and they all damn well know they can scare the living crap out of me with this thing…

I sat there thinking, if that pig were real. A real live pig, then its offspring would look EXACTLY like these two monstrosities I saw dancing like two little retards there on the television. I laughed even harder when one of them playfully said “Kom ons speel ‘n speletjie!” (Or in English: “Let’s play a game!”)

In this particular episode, little saag-vark jnr. And his brother found a remote control car in a package sent to them. However, before they opened it there was a CLUE! Yes, that’s right! A clue! And what did jigsaw(shivers up my spine) say to the doctor in the first saw movie? “X marks the spot” Yes, that’s right, he gave him a clue. There was no doubt in my mind that this present was sent by daddy saag-vark.

As they opened the box, they took out the little car and inspected it, they also found the remote control inside the box, and the one saag-varkie gladly confirmed that it is in fact the “afstand beheer” of the little car. There was also a television remote they found inside the box, as they pressed the buttons on it I silently prayed that the remote would change the channel from there, as the remote was out of my reach and the kid was on my lap. But alas, no luck, the two pigs continued by looking inside a huge 700 page book with three pictures of remote control stuff and started laughing at the robot. Little retards…

However, the thing that finally convinced me that these two definitely were the offspring of the dreaded saag-vark, was when they sent the television control to a female friend of theirs, including (How could I not guess right) another CLUE! A retarted little riddle that “lulu”(probably their mother or half-sister) wouldn’t even read half-way through before chucking it and the whole damn package away. It then became clear to me that these two little saag-varkies still had a lot of learning to do, and what better way than practicing for their devious careers on a children’s television show. Hopefully they end up on someone's plate before they do any harm...

[Sir PaniCore]

Heres the first paragraph of the prologue for a book i'm currently writing, just know this has'nt been edited or proof read yet and most of the story is still in the planning process.


Prologue

“Paradise…” these are the only words muttered in what was formerly a great bustling city, filled with life, sorrow and joy, but now just the cremated legacy of the rapture. Las Vegas was what it was called, and in the midst of the city of sin was a small figure, wading through the ash, which had started falling after the attack and will most likely fall for generations to come. This small figure, a girl of about 12 years old, repeated to herself “Paradise… this can’t… be…” She stopped as a crouched figure appeared in the corner of her eye. As she turned to look she noticed it was a dog, an extremely thin dog, its fur had long ago been ravaged by mange. This creature was eating the remains of a hideous being. “Devil…” she said to herself, having heard the adults that had long ago passed away, referring to these monsters as such. She had also heard them say that there were not many left, since the ‘angels’ had won the war. She had first believed the angels were there saviours to save them from the monsters, but they had turned out to be no different than the devils. Seeing the dog was not a threat she turned back to her path and continued to wade through the ash. She walked and kept on muttering to herself about paradise, her pupils dilated as if in a trance.


please give your opinion and any criticism will be appreciated as this is my first time writing.

[Graal]

Heres the first paragraph of the prologue for a book i'm currently writing, just know this has'nt been edited or proof read yet and most of the story is still in the planning process.



please give your opinion and any criticism will be appreciated as this is my first time writing.

Good piece of writing. Care to elaborate a bit on the setting, history, plot? I can see it's a heaven vs hell type of thing, but just a bit more info would give me a slightly better insight.

[Bonezmann]

Really nice, Panicore. More plz... :)

[Sir PaniCore]

Good piece of writing. Care to elaborate a bit on the setting, history, plot? I can see it's a heaven vs hell type of thing, but just a bit more info would give me a slightly better insight.

Not really a heaven vs hell but more of humanity against heaven since this takes place after the Rapture where heaven has won the war against hell and demons are a rare species, its pretty much a story showing that good cannot exist without evil and if it does, it perverts itself. the theme is basically order cannot exist without there to be chaos to subdue and chaos cannot exist without any laws to break but thats just in a nutshell basically.


Really nice, Panicore. More plz... :)

And thanks alot for the compliments, Really apreciate them but if you see any problems with the story please let me know, since Ive been making rough drafts for this story for the past few months so help me get this project started with some constructive criticism.

[Bonezmann]

I don't see any problems with the story, I had a fun read-through, now more plz :p

[Sir PaniCore]

Sure I'll post more and more of the more intresting pieces as I go along. Though I am in need of a proof reader as most of my friends use SMS language so much that they are bordering on illiterate, so I dont really trust there opinion.

[Chippit]

Sure, let's see:


Sure, I'll post more and more of the more interesting pieces as I go along. [3 "more"s in one sentence -- bad] Though I am in [dire, evidently] need of a proofreader as most of my friends use SMS language so much that they are bordering on illiterate, so I don't really trust their opinion.

[Adeptus]

I've done a few 40k pieces but they are a bit long and only fans(drooling, mouth foaming fan in my case) would appreciate it. But I'll post is on request as it is about 12 pages.

[Sir PaniCore]

Got a new one for you guys. Its a bit long but it delves more into the characters back story and why the current situation occurred.


About an hour later, resting in an overturned van, Evangeline was pondering her fate and what had led up to it. She looked back into her experiences and her mother, the centre of a child’s world appeared in her mind. The park her and her mother used to enjoy ice cream at, the smile on her mothers face as she picked Evangeline up from school, the loving caress of a mothers hand on her brow while she slept and finally her mothers blood pooled around Evangeline’s feet as the winged beasts, people had so lovingly dubbed ‘angels’, speared her mother through the heart as the terrified mother tried to fulfil her maternal instinct and protect her daughter. Interrupting her thoughts, there was suddenly the sound of gunshots in the distance, probably some survivors fighting off a couple of angels. Unless they had some special powers like some of the adults she had known, it was a futile attempt at survival. Taking the gunshots as a warning, Evangeline got up and continued her trek, but still caught in her thoughts. She was remembering when one of the adults, Mr Denempont, she seemed to recall was his name, telling her she also had special powers. Mr Denempont (a strange but very nice man, who was a researcher, just like her mother) had told her that she was something, which he had called a ‘Halo’ and explained that, “A Halo and a horn is a human which had fused with angelic or demonic energy when the portals opened on earth, the powers are also hereditary and can be gained from ones parents.” She also remembered him stating exactly what a Halo was. “A Halo and a horn are pretty much the same as a witch or a wizard in old fairy tales. They are able to absorb the souls of fallen angels and demons and convert it to energy. The human body is not resilient enough to carry this energy, so halos and horns use an external storage system or a ‘Familiar’, normally in the form of a small creature to store this energy. The halo is able to convert this energy into one of the following elements: fire, water, earth, wind and lightning.” She did not understand most of what he was saying at the time, in fact almost all of it sounded like utter gibberish to her, but it seemed important so she tried to remember as much as possible. She also recalled him saying that her power will only mature once she is 16 and that a tattoo resembling the element that she would embody, will appear on her body once her powers have matured, but she was curious as to what a horn is able to do as he seemed to fail mentioning a horns abilities and this bothered her a bit. While walking, she heard the voice of, what sounded like a small boy, calling out in her head “Hey, wait up.” She ignored this and carried on walking. All of a sudden she felt a weight jump onto her shoulder and she asked it “what did you see?” to which the black striped, grey kitten sitting on her shoulder replied “There are a few of those winged thingies…”
“You mean angels” she corrected.
“Whatever… Well there are a few ‘Angels’ back by the park hunting for survivors, but we should be fine if we keep to the alleys”
“Hmm” she replied half-heartedly, her mind elsewhere.
“What are you thinking of?”
“Oh, Just thinking ‘bout when all this started…” she replied, remembering her mother panicking and packing suitcases, while little Evangeline and her kitten or, as Mr Denempont called the kitten, her Familiar, stood there very confused but scared. When she asked her mother what was wrong, she remembered her mother muttering something about ‘neutrality” and how heaven had dubbed Las Vegas as a traitor due to this ‘neutrality’ in the Great War. Evangeline did not know the politics of war or what neutrality even meant but the words filled her with dread nonetheless. Then as they were going to leave what was their home for the last 11 years, she remembered the absolute fear she felt when the explosions occurred.


The only problem with this piece is I feel like i've presented this information way too blatantly and i'm forcing it onto the reader... but I'll let you be the judge of that, so please enjoy.

[Takiro]

I'v been doing a little bit of writing myself lately. My most recent piece is the story of Death, told from a very different perspective :)

[NecroWolf]

Mr denempont? srsly. It was pretty good and las vegas being 'neutral' is interesting as well. The use of Mr denempont as a name was hilarious, I can't believe you did that.

[Sir PaniCore]

Mr denempont? srsly. It was pretty good and las vegas being 'neutral' is interesting as well. The use of Mr denempont as a name was hilarious, I can't believe you did that.

Well when I thought very strange man who's a researcher it was the first name that came to my mind... but it's just a place holder for now.

[Graal]

Here's another piece I wrote recently. Still not really sure what to do with my novel so I'm writing these little extracts in the hope of finding inspiration in one of them.


The pain started again. He could not open his eyes, all he wanted to do was cut himself off from the rest of the world. Anything just to make it stop. It was unbearable. The pain was seething through him, within him. For a few moments he was the pain, destroying his own body. Altering it beyond recognition. A voice sounded up next to him.
"All you have to do is ask. I can make it stop, make it all go away. I can fix you. Just say the words."
No, he thought to himself, better the pain than what lay ahead if he asked to end it. He couldn't bring himself to speak either, the pain worsened whenever he tried to open his mouth.
"Are you sure, Jake? Is this what you want, so caught up in your predicament that you cannot see that you are destroying yourself. That you killed all those people for a lost cause?"
The pain was beginning to fade again. He managed to open one eye slightly, but still saw nothing but darkness.
"You truly are a fool to believe what you have been told by those to whom you have pledged yourself. They are deluded and you follow them vehemently. This is your last chance, merely ask it, and I will grant you the freedom that I know you desire."
Jake kept his mouth shut, all the while the pain was receding. When he could sit up again he looked around him. The room was empty, but he knew the pain would return and with it Him.

[Sir PaniCore]

Here's another piece I wrote recently. Still not really sure what to do with my novel so I'm writing these little extracts in the hope of finding inspiration in one of them.

I enjoyed this one thoroughly, Is it a continuation of your previous piece?

[Graal]

I enjoyed this one thoroughly, Is it a continuation of your previous piece?

Not really, it's the same character, but I'm not even sure what my novel is going to be about yet, so I have no idea where it fits in or if it is even going to be used yet :p

[Bonezmann]

@ Panicore, The concept of "Halo" and "Horn" is nice, however as you said, it is a little forced. Also the professor's name is a tad ridiculous. Otherwise, it's a nice piece, nice 'anime'-like concept with the talking cat. Also, the elements thing is a tad overused. Why not try something a little more dynamic?

@ Graal, part of your piece reminded me of Assassin's Creed for some reason. I guess it was the whole "You're fighting for a lost cause" and "You follow them blindly" parts. Really nice.

I'll maybe slap together a short story tonight, I've had a concept in mind that I've tried turning into a game, so maybe I'll try something. :)

[Sir PaniCore]

@ Panicore, The concept of "Halo" and "Horn" is nice, however as you said, it is a little forced. Also the professor's name is a tad ridiculous. Otherwise, it's a nice piece, nice 'anime'-like concept with the talking cat. Also, the elements thing is a tad overused. Why not try something a little more dynamic?

@ Graal, part of your piece reminded me of Assassin's Creed for some reason. I guess it was the whole "You're fighting for a lost cause" and "You follow them blindly" parts. Really nice.

I'll maybe slap together a short story tonight, I've had a concept in mind that I've tried turning into a game, so maybe I'll try something. :)

The proffesors name is really just a place holder, and I was reading it and I agree with you... NO ELements I'll carry on writing and come back to this piece later for some editing... and I'm suprised you got the whole anime feeling of it when I was creating the story I was picturing it in my head as an Anime.

[Graal]

@ Graal, part of your piece reminded me of Assassin's Creed for some reason. I guess it was the whole "You're fighting for a lost cause" and "You follow them blindly" parts. Really nice.


When I first started thinking of a story, Assassin's Creed was a huge influence for me. Not the story, but the whole idea of an organized group of assassins. And of course, I just had to use teenagers as the main characters. It's just a lot easier for me to place myself in the characters' positions if I've experienced teenage emotions and situations so often. It makes it easier for me to relate to my own characters.

[Bonezmann]

and I'm suprised you got the whole anime feeling of it when I was creating the story I was picturing it in my head as an Anime.

The talking cat gave you away, that and the intro of the little girl walking between the ashes, oh and the whole angles vs. Demons thing. Quite a few anime's have those types of characters. It's good nonetheless.


When I first started thinking of a story, Assassin's Creed was a huge influence for me. Not the story, but the whole idea of an organized group of assassins. And of course, I just had to use teenagers as the main characters. It's just a lot easier for me to place myself in the characters' positions if I've experienced teenage emotions and situations so often. It makes it easier for me to relate to my own characters.

That's a good thing, being able to relate yourself to the characters. It's the same with my idea, the story has been playing in my head for years, and it still does. The good thing about this is, that when you directly connect yourself to a character, it grows along with you. That, and I have a HUGE imagination. ;)

I'm still trying to write something, maybe I should look for my WoW story I wrote last year. Should be lying somewhere around the depths of my flat...

[Bonezmann]

Here's the WoW story I wrote last year. I think it's a tad dramatic as I went through a tough time when I wrote this. But nonetheless, tell me what you whink. :)


I didn't notice them. It's strange how something happens just as you let your gaurd down. My breath is fading, my body becomes heavy.

We thought we were free, we thought we could finally live in peace. No judgement, no prejudice, no constant reminder that we have both betrayed our races. Now all that awaits me is the dark embrace of death along with the uncertainty... What will happen to her?

My life flashes before my eyes. How could something so perfect end in such a tragic way? How could a thing like love change one that was exhalted, to one that is hunted by his own people? Why should love between Draenei and Humans be punishable by death? Are our souls not all the same?

I met her in Stormwind. She was standing on the pier, waiting for a boat to Kalimdor. Her black hair was blowing along with the soft breeze that swept through the harbour. She was wearing a green outfit, the type of outfit that low level Rogues wear. It didn't bother me though.

She turned around, and looked straight at me with her soft, gentle eyes. The most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. I found myself staring at her and my heart started to beat faster as she walked across the pier, straight towards me. Is this what they mean by love at first sight? She stared at me with the same intensity and passion as I, then she kissed me...

A thousand thoughts went through my mind. How could a Human Rogue and a Draenei fall in love at first sight? I was an Exhalted, praised by my people for the good I did, and I crossed the line of forbidden love.

It's was one week later and we finally reached Auberdine, I decided not to go back to Exodar as I knew they already got word of my betrayal. For three more weeks I had the courtesey to travel alongside her, our love grew day by day as my worries grew day by day. "Where are they?" I often found myself asking out loud, only to get a confused look from her.

One day we caught word that a ship would be setting sail for Northrend in two days, we were roughly a day's travel to the harbour. If we were to make it to Northrend, we can finally live in peace. But I started sensing them about half-way there, lurking in the bushes, rustling in the trees. They had found me.

They must have been following us for some time already and it looked like they knew where we were headed, but I pushed on and before we knew it, we were at the harbour. Auberdine harbour always freaked me out, but this time I ignored that fact. We were almost free.

There were many people on the boat, my worries grew. What if the assassins were on that same boat? I shrugged it off, reassuring myself that they would've killed me long ago if they really wanted to. 6 hours, that was how long it would've taken to reach Northrend, that was how long it would take to be free.

The wheather began to change from the warmness of Kalimdor, to the coldness of Northrend. I was told that there was still some spots up there that wasn't all barren ice. I finally decided to stop worrying, convincing myself that we were finally free. Free to say and feel whatever we wanted. No more judgement, no more prejudice, no more shame brought to our races.

I turned around, staring lovingly into her soft eyes and said "I lo..."

Suddenly there was a sharp burning pain going through my left shoulder. The blade went right through my heart. Amidst all the terrified screaming of the other passengers I fell down, landing on the deck of the boat, dying, uncertain. She holds me tightly in her arms. Those beautiful soft eyes of her are now glistening with tears of sadness.

I took her hand in mine and said "I love you" whilst breathing my last breath...

[Graal]

Here's another one. Btw, that was awesome Bonezmann.



They both knew what it was about. It was hanging almost as if the issue was hanging in the air in front of them. Neither knew how to proceed and each waited for the other to make the first move. She scared, he hopeful.
"I can't." she said after a few more moments silence.
"Can't do what?"
"You know what I mean," she looked at her feet, then looked up again. The look on his face was something to behold. His face showed his pain a moment more, then he hid it behind a mask, showing no emotion, but his eyes spoke volumes. He turned for the door.
"Wait, don't-" but he was already gone, running down the stairs and out the front door.

He kept running. It gave him something to do, looking where to place his feet in the dark. It kept him from feeling the pain, but he knew he had to stop at some point and then he would feel the grief that ebbed in him. She was perfect, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. Could she not understand that?
He stumbled over something, hit the ground hard, trying to break his fall with his hands. A loud cracking sound was identified by the stinging pain he felt in his hand moments later.
"Oh, come on!" he hissed through gritted teeth, seeing the way his finger was bent. Now he had to go to a healer as well.
A sudden hatred filled him, all directed towards the girl whom he loved so passionately. He could not understand these conflicting emotions he was experiencing. Scowling, he got up and headed back towards the city, feeling pain, physical and emotional, beyond anything he had endured before.

[Demikid]

The consortium
Prolog
What if I told you I could control everything that happens in the world was planned by someone you’d call me insane wouldn’t you try to convince me that such thoughts are nonsense or left to those who wear tinfoil hats and say that aliens live among us. But I can tell you that I am not insane for I have seen it with my own eyes and been among those who plan the events of the world. Then you ask me why I would be telling you this if I could control your entire life, well not all good things can last for I have broken all the tenets that my ex-brothers have set and this is my story of how I came to be telling you this.
Well I'm 15 and I don't perform very well in english but I'd like your opinions (and yes I know it's short I'm working it out)

[Sir PaniCore]

Here is the revised edition of my previous paragraph:


About an hour later, resting in an overturned van, Evangeline was pondering her fate and what had led up to it. She looked back into her experiences and her mother, the centre of a child’s world appeared in her mind. The park her and her mother used to enjoy ice cream at, the smile on her mothers face as she picked Evangeline up from school, the loving caress of a mothers hand on her brow while she slept and finally her mothers blood pooled around Evangeline’s feet as the winged beasts, people had so lovingly dubbed ‘angels’, speared her mother through the heart as the terrified parent tried to fulfil her maternal instinct and protect her daughter. Interrupting her thoughts, there was suddenly the sound of gunshots in the distance, probably some survivors fighting off a couple of angels. Unless they had some special powers like some of the adults she had known, it was a futile attempt at survival. Taking the gunshots as a warning, Evangeline got up and continued her trek, but still caught in her thoughts. She was remembering when one of the adults, Mr Denempont, she seemed to recall was his name, telling her she also had special powers. Mr Denempont (a strange but very nice man, who was a researcher, just like her mother) had told her that she was something, which he had called a ‘Halo’ and explained that, A ‘Halo’ and a ‘Horn’ are humans that had fused with angelic and demonic energy when the portals opened on earth. He also stated that these powers are hereditary. He had explained much more than this to her, but most of it was complete gibberish to the 12 year old. She thought furiously but the only thing she could recall was that he said a ‘halo’ is similar to a wizard in a way. Her thoughts were interrupted once again, when she heard the familiar voice of, what sounded like a small boy, calling out in her head “Hey, wait up.” She ignored this and carried on walking. All of a sudden she felt a weight jump onto her shoulder and she asked it “what did you see?” to which the black striped, grey kitten sitting on her shoulder replied “There are a few of those winged thingies…”
“You mean angels” she corrected.
“Whatever… Well there are a few ‘Angels’ back by the park hunting for survivors, but we should be fine if we keep to the alleys”
“Hmm” she replied half-heartedly, her mind elsewhere.
“What are you thinking of?”
“Oh, Just thinking ‘bout when all this started…” she replied, remembering her mother panicking and packing suitcases, while little Evangeline and her kitten or, as Mr Denempont had once called the kitten, her Familiar, stood there very confused but scared. When she asked her mother what was wrong, she remembered her mother muttering something about ‘neutrality” and how heaven had dubbed Las Vegas as a traitor due to this ‘neutrality’ in the Great War. Evangeline did not know the politics of war or what neutrality even meant but the words filled her with dread nonetheless. Then as they were going to leave what was their home for the last 11 years, she remembered the absolute fear she felt when the explosions occurred.


a small change to this part I know but, I decided, that I'll explain what a halo and a horn are at later stages in the story. I have also changed the concept of a halo, a bit in that they are more dynamic, and will have differnet powers and not just elements ( transportation, shape shifting,etc.) although I still intend for the main characters' power to be the manipulation of a certain element. For the concept of the halo to change though I've had to completely revamp the Idea for the Horns, but I think it was for the best.

Hopefully this edition doesnt sound as forced as the previous.

[Bonezmann]

I read it last night, it's much better than the previous piece imo. The more dynamic abilities are much better than the elemental powers, don't remove them completely, just don't make them the 'centre' of the abilities like too many stories do. :)

[Demikid]

After school that day we all went to this old abandoned house that was supposed to be haunted, obviously it wasn’t they were just trying to scare all the new guys or “potentials” as they called them. I thought that for the children of an organization that were supposedly running the whole world they would at least act somewhat of a villain and not like bullies or jerks.
“Not quite what you expected, eh?” Said Chester cutting into my thoughts
“Yeah, but I guess we all start out small before we move onto the big things”
“I bet that’s what Napoleon over there tells himself everyday”
I snickered; our instructor was very short and had a very funny French accent. Unfortunately it was as he was telling the story of the Jewish family that was brutally murdered by Nazis.
“Do youz think dat ze story of zis poor Jewish family is foonee” he said getting uncomfortably close.
“No sir” I shouted like a marine feeling exceptionally foolish for calling someone younger than me sir out loud.
“Gud, very gud what about you Chester do you think it was foonee.”
“Well...... The truth is that Matt and I were laughing at your foonee accent, isn’t that right, eh Matt?”
“What!!” shouted Louis infuriated “Is diz true Matt”
“Well...um...uh” I stuttered unsure whether I wanted to be stuck in the rock or a hard place. I had two choices either I could insult my instructor or I could sell out my friend and get on the bad side of all the Jews that were in my group.
“Well Matt which is it?”
“Yeah Matt which is it?” said Chester with a look that said what are you doing you can’t sell me out”
I gulped and picked up all my courage and said “We were laughing at your accent”
Some of the boys let go of their suspicious faces and adopted worried ones instead, they all knew he was going to punish us in some despicable fashion. It came to us hard and swift, gut punches that would have toppled mountains, Chester was using all of his strength to hide the fact that it hurt I however collapsed and was more focused on making sure I didn’t let my breakfast onto Louis which Chester failed with a epic hurl that went on for 5 seconds. Louis immediately retracted so shocked that he had been doused in puke that he didn’t even speak just keep a mad look on his face or maybe he didn’t to let the puke into his mouth.
“Hey Louis, how are the recruits coming along?” called one of the other instructors
Louis looked at where the voice came from keeping the same stern face on then looking at us so fiercely I could practically feel him sending us his hate.
“Get Louis to the shower and take these boys to their tent.” Said a Irish instructor
Louis finally broke his no talking rule and said with uncomprehendable malice “I’m going to make you two regret the day you met Louis Bon apart
“Don’t worry about him I’ll keep you guys as far away from him as possible”
The unexpected kindness made me let loose my breakfast, I made sure to puke the other way as not to throw off the only person that was kind to me.
“Come on man, lets get you back to the camp” Chester said with a broad smile with not a single clue as to the gut retching punch he had received. Despite me hating him for what he had just made me suffer through when I looked up to him I felt a strange admiration for my friends unwillingness to give up, a unwillingness I would end up relying on for the rest of my life.

You didn't respond to my prolog but I'd really really like it if you were to give your ideas of one of my book's scenes its Matt talking about his Teenage years (being taught at one of the constorium's Training camps)

[Bonezmann]

Well, you need to comment on our stuff too, but I'll go first:

Oddly enough, I was thinking of something similar to your story the other day. Very Matrix-ish, nice concept. I didn't read your entire second piece yet, so excuse me if the answer is in the piece above: Are these guys controling people? or are they the enemies of the guys controling people?

[Sir PaniCore]

Well I thought the intro was kind of cliched actually so just try A different approach as I've read a million books that come with the whole "what if I told you..." aproach, but the paragraph after was quite good and I couldnt help but laugh at the guys french accent, so if at that point comedy was your goal, Mission accomplished. :3

[Bonezmann]

Come on kids, no love for my WoW story? Only Graal commented so far, which I am thankful for. Remember to keep it to constructive criticism. :)

[Demikid]

QUOTE=Bonezmann;238050]Well, you need to comment on our stuff too, but I'll go first:

Oddly enough, I was thinking of something similar to your story the other day. Very Matrix-ish, nice concept. I didn't read your entire second piece yet, so excuse me if the answer is in the piece above: Are these guys controling people? or are they the enemies of the guys controling people?[/QUOTE]

I will comment about your stories at the end of this post but I think it would be good if I told everyone abit about the story The summary is The consortium is an acient organisation that has been running since the empire of Rome and controls the world by using their intellect to plan a series of events that alone do nothing but combined become the reason for somethings downfall eg: the grandmasters son died because there weren't enough life boats on a ship so he gets the everyone thats involved in the titanic to do one small error like making the turbine ineffecient convincing the captain to go full speed ahead,etc)
And to answer your on question Matt and Chester were members of the group untill they face a tough moral dillema and decide even though The Consortium does some good it has become corrupt and go against it and try to expose it and stop the grandmaster(who has become a power-hungry tyrant) from achieving true world domination. my book's main idea is to say the difference between good and evil is the person's idea of what good and evil is.
oh and I'm dropping the prolog and leaving it untill I have a good idea whats its going to say.
about the halo and horn story I think when this book is finished it will make a exellent movie or anime, dropping the explantion of the halo and horn really makes a difference it no longer feels as if it was tagged on like in your previous one.
The WoW story reminds me of romeo and juliet because both end tragicly and are about forbidden love
Graul I your stories are all good but if you can say what happened to come to this state I think we all could get some more enjoyment from it

[Bonezmann]

The WoW story reminds me of romeo and juliet because both end tragicly and are about forbidden love


Who said they both died, and if they did, how did she die? Surely the Draenei did, but did his lover? Will this stay an unanswered question, or will it be answered in my next piece?

There is a common resemblance between the two stories (R+J and my WoW story), but the fact that the story is about true love, doesn't mean they're both dead. The idea I had when posting this was to add more stories about the same plot later on, BUT from another character's point of view. I'm also thinking of expanding the story of the Dranei, adding more between their trip through Kalimdor and the boat trip to Northrend. This will add more stuff for me to work with when I do the other stories.

Graal didn't decide on a solid story yet, if I'm right. I kinda like the small scenes he sets up. :)

Kudos on the name "Consortium". Your story reminds me of something I've either seen or heard of before, I just can't remember.

If I'm not mistaken, Sir Panicore wrote that novel with anime in mind. :)

[Graal]

There is one thing I learned in all my attempts to write novels, and that is never to try and write as if you want a bestseller or a book that gets a movie tagged on. Usually you'll just end up judging your book by extremely harsh standards and won't finish it. That's what happened with my first attempt. Just write it any way you like. If some day it becomes famous enough to get a movie iteration, the producers will change your novel to fit into a movie script.

[Sir PaniCore]

@Bonezman: you managed to pull a heart string in your WOW story, so kudos for that. its what i'm trying to do with the new paragraph.

@demikid: The story seems good, but I think you should keep to the theme that I picked up in the previous paragragh that the people in the 'consortium' are normal, intelligent people so you shouldnt call the antagonist 'the grand master' try and keep to the theme and name him appropraitely. its just a suggestion that you don't have to listen to because as I said the story is great.

Now heres the New paragrapgh!!!!
Enjoy!


An hour later, Evangeline and her familiar, James, were resting next to one of the abandoned casinos, taking shelter from the ash, beneath the decapitated remains of a leprechaun, its green plastic suit bleached black by the ash and its snide leering head staring at the pair as if making fun of them. Evangeline felt as if the empty eyes of the cracked plastic were able to see her fate, mocking her, confirming her fear, in what seemed would most likely be her last hours of life. She turned away from the Leprechauns grotesque smile as she realised that they would most likely not survive for much longer, especially with angels searching the city. Tears started gliding down her cheeks, which she wiped away furiously as if they were the evidence of a dire sin she had committed and needed to be hidden.
“What’s wrong?” The small kitten in her lap asked. She looked down and saw large, beautiful, concerned green eyes staring up into her own puffy, wet, distraught, bloodshot eyes.

“Oh…uh…it’s… nothing.” Evangeline, sniffing and wiping her tears away, replied to the concerned little face. “It’s nothing at all.”
“Oh please, we share a soul don’t we? Theirs nothing you can hide from me.”
Evangeline smiled at the brief distraction James was offering her, an escape from their impending deaths. “Yeah, I guess I was Na?ve in thinking I could hide it from you.”
“Obviously” replied James and Evangeline had known the cat long enough to know he was beaming with pride. Her familiar had been with her all her life; they had shared everything together, a home, a family, they’re fondest memories, even a single soul was shared between the two and in this bond if one were to perish, Evangeline knew the other would fall as well. So it seemed that in the end the two would even share a death together, and to be honest Evangeline would not have it any other way. She could not think of existing without her closest friend beside her.


Just so you guys understand, this novel is still a work in progress and to be honest I Really, really hope to get this published one day, so keep the criticism coming.

[Bonezmann]

Sir panicore, my comments on your piece: :)

1) the familiar needs a new, cuter name.

2) Check your spelling and grammar( I can't really talk, I found some in my WoW piece)

Other than that, well done. Now I'm off to 'expand' and correct my piece.

[Sir PaniCore]

Sir panicore, my comments on your piece: :)

1) the familiar needs a new, cuter name.

2) Check your spelling and grammar( I can't really talk, I found some in my WoW piece)

Other than that, well done. Now I'm off to 'expand' and correct my piece.

ok,I think I got rid of most of the spelling errors and grammar problems and I ran it through a thorough spell check, so that should be fine now. the cats name I will not change for certain reasons but dont worry their is a second character with a cat as a familiar, that one has a much cuter name.

[NecroWolf]

@bonezmann, you might be thinking of wanted because that's what the consortium story reminded me of. Not to say it's a bad story, it just seems a bit similar. As for all the other stories, they're all pretty good(i won't talk about each one separately because i can't remember each one and i don't like reading the same thing twice). Unfortunately, i can only contribute my opinion and not a piece of a novel because my creative writing sucks.

[Bonezmann]

As you wish Sir Panicore, I just made some suggestions. :)

Here's a small part I wrote from the story that's been going on in my head for a few years now. For now the main character and the "sins" are shrouded in mystery as this isn't really the starting point of my the story.

Please be honest with me on this one, it's very precious to me.


As soon as Sprit took care of the thieves, a car came speeding towards them. He grabbed the girl and took for the rooftops, they were sure to be safe. As they travelled across the rooftops, the 16 year old girl looked at me and said "You look familiar". He kept quiet as he concentrated on looking for his next roof to jump to. "That's it! I recognize you!" she shouted. "You're that guy from the photo!"

He came to an immediate halt, "Damn" he thought to himself. He never would've thought someone would recognize him, least of all from a photo.

"What photo?" he asked her as he put her down on the rooftop of the huge multistory building.

"The one with you and my mom and my uncle, it was her matric farewell party" she said informatively.

Sprit was shocked to hear this, who is this girl? That photo must've been taken when he was in grade 5, a long time before he even became a sprite. "Where did you get that photo? and who's your mom?"

"I found the photo in our attic when me and my mom cleaned it up, my mom threw it there with the rest of her old junk. And when I asked about it, she told me the small boy was just no one and I should toss the photo in the trash can." she said

A sad look filled Sprit's face, he remembered the old days. Before High School, before his sister got married, before everyhting became so complicated.

"No way!" the girl shouted. "You're her brother!"

Sprit looked in shock at the girl. Did so many years go by since he left? "Promise you won't tell your mom you saw me?" he asked her, there was a calm yet sad look on his face.

"Sure, but what happened?" she asked curiously

"It's a long and sad story kid, you don't want to hear it. How's your uncle?"

"He's fi..." the girl stopped to think for a moment. "It's a long story grandpa, and you don't want to hear it"

"Grandpa!" he shouted. "Why you little..."

"Listen" she said, cutting him off, "You want to know about my family, and I want to know about you and what happened between you and my mom. I'm sure we can exchange information somehow"

Sprit didn't have time for this sentimental crap, five of the seven sins were walking the streets and he had to find them.

"Fine", he said. "Come Friday I will be at your school's athletic tracks, meet me there after school and we'll talk"

"Coolness" she said, only to get a raised brow from Sprit. "Now, please take me home. My mom... uhm, your sister is going to get worried" she teased.

He picked her up and continued across the rooftops, putting her safely down o nthe ground a few blocks from home. He silently followed her home to her house and as he walked past, he saw what seemed to be a much older sister than he can remember emerge from the front door to greet her daughter with a hug.


@bonezmann, you might be thinking of wanted because that's what the consortium story reminded me of. Not to say it's a bad story, it just seems a bit similar. As for all the other stories, they're all pretty good(i won't talk about each one separately because i can't remember each one and i don't like reading the same thing twice). Unfortunately, i can only contribute my opinion and not a piece of a novel because my creative writing sucks.

I think you hit the spot there Necro, still not sure. Don't be shy, submit a piece, it's not as hard as you may think. And besides we're all here to help. :)

[NecroWolf]

No, I meant I can think of the concept or meaning behind a story, I can write essays (*sigh* history), but writing scenes and dialogue isn't really something I can do...or at least do well.

[Sir PaniCore]

Hey bonezmann, that story was quite enjoyable are the sins antagonists of sorts?

[Bonezmann]

I don't want to spoil too much, but they are based on the seven deadly sins, I'll really confuse you if I tell it all. It's quite complicated, in fact I have to restraighten it up to kinda understand the basic concept myself.(since a few things have changed since this part).

I'm considering starting a blog where I post this specific story in blog posts, but I'm still thinking about it since it's so precious to me. :)

edit:

small 'easter-egg'


The one with you and my mom and my uncle, it was her matric farewell party

This photo really does exist. I was in grade 5 or 6 when my sister matriculated.We took the photo of me, my sister and my brother before she went to her matric farewell. We are still on good terms with each other though. :)

[Sir PaniCore]

No, I meant I can think of the concept or meaning behind a story, I can write essays (*sigh* history), but writing scenes and dialogue isn't really something I can do...or at least do well.

Oh its not that bad. Ok dialogue is probably the hardest thing since what may sound cool in your head, may seem corny in writing but just try it, it's alot of fun. the easiest way to create a story ( well for me at least) is to visualise your story as a movie in your head or, in my case an anime, and just describe everything that goes on, the environment, the characters feelings, expressions etc, to the best of your abilities.

[NecroWolf]

I get what you're saying but the best of my abilities isn't that great. You of all people should know that I'm an extremely logical(left brained if I'm not mistaken) thinker so something artistic like writing wouldn't come that easily. I'd be able to write code or an asset disposal account better than I can write a story.

[Demikid]

I get what you're saying but the best of my abilities isn't that great. You of all people should know that I'm an extremely logical(left brained if I'm not mistaken) thinker so something artistic like writing wouldn't come that easily. I'd be able to write code or an asset disposal account better than I can write a story.

I'm not that creative either my english mark is below average and I can't draw every well (not really a direct coreallation but from the same side of the brain) just try when your day dreaming to remember what happens

[Sir PaniCore]

This is a new piece. Its a bit grotesque so be warned but I feel it has great emotion behind it and hopefully you'll feel it too.


“So what’s wrong?” asked James, getting back to the point.
“Well…” Evangeline replied, looking away from her friend and towards the horrid grimace of the decapitated fiend “with all the angels roaming, how long do you think we’ll survi-“all of a sudden, interrupting and yet answering Evangeline’s unfinished question, a huge explosion came from the wall across the street, and something came flying through the hole. The object that came from the explosion landed and slumped on the floor, near the grinning plastic that had tormented Evangeline so. Evangeline looked down at whatever had emerged from the hole in the wall, and saw it was a man. The scene would have caused Evangeline to vomit, if she had any food in her belly, as what lay in front of her was an ordinary man, his mustard coloured jersey, stained with the blood coming from the piece of what looked like piping protruding from his hip. His leg was bent in an impossible manner and his elbow was protruding from the skin. She could not see his face since he was lying face down. Without moving, frozen in fear, she studied the corpse in front and noticed a fact that made her Gag despite her empty belly. The corpse was still alive. She looked up again at the body, wiping the phlegm from her mouth, and saw that the body was twitching. Just as she thought the scene in front of her could not get any worse, the head started to move, and the man looked up at her. Evangeline wanted to look away, but her eyes were transfixed on the corpse’s eyes. His eyes were full of pain, brown eyes longing for the sweet, silent embrace of death, anything to get away from the pain. Tears returned to Evangeline’s eyes and she heard a soft whimper from James in her lap. Her gaze was transfixed on the painful eyes until they were blurred by blood. She looked up from the man’s eyes and saw a hole in his forehead, and the pinkness of his brain pulsing beneath. This was what broke Evangeline, who started to cry and sob uncontrollably. The man after looking at Evangeline for some seconds finally slumped over and with his last breath finally died.


Just know, I am only gonna post the prologue then the rest of the book will be private until completion.

[Bonezmann]

It was interesting, just remember to use paragraphs. Even though you don't want to break the tension, a few paragraphs does wonders. I got a bit confused with the sentences there...

@ NecroWolf, try this:

Watch a scene of a television show like anime, write the scene down, look at the character's feelings and expressions as well as the environment. I'm going to take Charmed Season 2 episode two scene 1 as an example:



... As they were standing in the kitchen, Phoeboe and Prue heard footsteps coming from the front door and saw a angry Piper come inside the kitchen with a bunch of groceries.

"Woah, what did you buy?" Phoeboe asked as she waved her hand in front of her nose.

Piper put down the groceries on the table and showed her shoe to her sisters, "Doody" she proclaimed.

"We've run out of that?" Prue said to Phoeboe, they both started giggling while piper furiously threw her shoe out the door.

Something like that, it's a tad hard as you have to keep up the whole time, but it's good exercise. I recommend it for the other writers as well. ;)

[Sir PaniCore]

yeah I can see what your talking about but its a quick fix, but what do you think of the prologue and story itself so far?

[Cloud_Ratha]

Oh bonez that piece you wrote about Sprit and all that. Instead of using rooftops over and over. Try something like. "jumping from ledge to ledge". Just havin to read rooftops twice in a sentence made me want to throw my pc out of a window and murder my family! K thanks :)

Use it dont use it :)

Ps. Suprisingly an enjoyable read

[Bonezmann]

Cloud_Ratha, I'll take that advice. I always appreciate criticism like this, and since this story is so precious to me, I appreciate it even more. :)

I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)

I'm considering opening that blog a bit more now.

Panicore, I like your story, at first I was a bit 'meh' about it, but I'm starting to like it. :)

[Graal]

A blog is a great idea. I've been thinking of opening one for myself dedicated especially to my writing. I just don't know where to go aside from Blogger and Myspace.

[Bonezmann]

I personally use iblog.co.za, have a look there...

[Graal]

Are they fast? My problem with Myspace and Blogger is that it takes about 10 minutes to load a single page. Makes it a bit difficult to keep a blog going at that (lack of) speed.

[Bonezmann]

I've been using iblog for about two years, never really had a problem, the community is also nice, they have a list of blogs as they get updated, meaning more exposure. The other members are really friendly too. :)

[Graal]

Okay, got my blog up. http://graal.iblog.co.za/

Not a very original name, I know, but at least the blog serves its purpose :p

[InsertName]

Chapter 2: Sony

Greg is sweating, his expensive suit clinging to him like a GLAD bag. I?m carrying a piece of history in my hands. A revolver, very likely twice as old as I am. Not that it matters, it?ll do the job should it come down to that. He?s biting his lip so hard blood is moving down his chin, he?s too scared to even wipe it away. Normally I?d pity him and point the gun away but this ****er needs to die. He would?ve shot me if he was in my place that much is obvious. How long have I known him? Ten years? Maybe more but he?d still shoot me if he was in my place. But he isn?t. At this point it?s hard to believe this?. This ******* dated my sister, proposed to her. They were nearly married. Holy ****, they were nearly married. I couldn?t honestly imagine Greg as my brother in law. That wouldn?t have been? right? Morally correct? But in all honesty **** that. He tries to negotiate muttering more to himself than me, he knows that I?m going to shoot him, no matter what. I?ve always wondered what it felt like to kill someone. In my moment of thought Greg jumps, knocking the gun out of my hand and onto the floor.
By the time I?ve gotten him on the floor the anger is so overpowering that I don?t even try to grab the gun. I kick him. And kick him. And kick him. I do this until he doesn?t move. Then I kick him over and again. No movement. Have you ever killed someone with your own body as the weapon? I could imagine the headlines.
Convicted Rapist Kicked to Death by Skinny Chinese Boy
I laugh and reach over to pick up the revolver. There were no bullets inside.

Comments would be appreciated . Thanks in advance.

[Bonezmann]

InsertName, a little bit of background would be appreciated. Is this a "mafia" story? It's the feeling I got.

After a second read, I understand the piece a bit more. Nice. :)

[InsertName]

Thanks it is partially a mafia peice but instead set in 2030 when technology has jumped forward after a giant spaceship crashes in Tokyo. I'll post a piece that will show this better.

[Sir PaniCore]

Sorry for the long wait, heres a new piece of the prologue It continues from straight after the previous, but this piece I think is still in need of editing though:


“Oi, Nigel, why in the bloody ‘ell did you throw the poor bastard so ****in far?”

Evangeline Looked up from her tears, Surprised to hear a voice. The voices were originating from behind the hole in the wall that the dead man created.

“Our orders were to hunt and destroy; He was of no use to us.” Another voice replied from beyond the wall.

“Don’t mean we can’t ‘ave any fun wit them, ay Nigel?” the original voice remarked, with a distinct hint of cruelty in his voice.

Evangeline recognised the accents of one of the men. It seemed that this man had lived in London for a bit as he had the rough raw English accent. The others accent was much harder to discern, as his tone of voice was completely monotonous and uncaring.

“Honestly. I don’t even know why you continue to deceive yourself with these fake emotions.”

“Yeah, well it helps me forget that I’m a ****in, piece of **** slave now, don’t it.” As he said this, Evangeline saw an armoured gauntlet grab hold of the edge of the gaping hole in the wall. She recognised the armour; it was the same type of gauntlet that had held the sword that had pierced her mothers’ chest. The hissing cat in her lap only made the feeble illusion, that many call hope fall, away from Evangeline like the blade of a guillotine, only confirming her upcoming death.

Evangeline sat there frozen in fear… No, not fear, She was tired now, tired of running, Tired of hiding, tired of being afraid… tired from living. She had, had a strong resolve until now. Until she was introduced to the deceitful illusion of hope. She had heard the voices, thinking, that these were to be her saviours, only to have this new found hope dashed in the ground, now along with her resolve. Now she just wanted it to end.

[Bonezmann]

Really nice Sir Panicore. I like these pieces. :)

[ioiiooio]

Sorry for the long wait, heres a new piece of the prologue It continues from straight after the previous, but this piece I think is still in need of editing though:

I've noticed that the way you do dialogue sometimes doesn't feel quite right, for instance:


?Yeah, well it helps me forget that I?m a ****in, piece of **** slave now, don?t it.? As this was said, Evangeline saw an armoured gauntlet grab hold of the edge of the gaping hole in the wall.

Wouldn't it be better to say "As she said this,...." or something? I could be wrong, but I do think it needs some editing there.

[Sir PaniCore]

I've noticed that the way you do dialogue sometimes doesn't feel quite right, for instance:



Wouldn't it be better to say "As she said this,...." or something? I could be wrong, but I do think it needs some editing there.

the story is told through the main characters perspective by a third person narrative style, the dialogue you gave an example of was the main character listening to another character so 'as this was said' is correct.

[Bonezmann]

iioiiooio, the claw wearing demon said that, so it should be "As he said this...". It would ring a tad better Panicore...

I'm in the mood for writing tonight, maybe I'll post something later.

[Sir PaniCore]

iioiiooio, the claw wearing demon said that, so it should be "As he said this...". It would ring a tad better Panicore...

I'm in the mood for writing tonight, maybe I'll post something later.

agreed. though i did say in the post it required editing still.

[Bonezmann]

A few months later, I tagged along with Amy to the shops. She hated doing grocery shopping alone, the cues at the tills were way to long for her to keep her sanity on a Saturday. I bet it looked funny, me and Amy shopping together. I could imagine how the rumours were already floating around. "Did you hear, Sharon told me that Ken's wife's Aunt on her mother's side of the family said she saw Joe and Amy walk around doing grocery shopping. She also had a reliable source tell her they're living together" Why can't a guy just go and do some grocery shopping with a lonely friend?

We were standing at the fridges, where they keep the butter and yoghurt. We were chatting about television and how boring it has become over the years. Suddenly I felt a finger tap my left shoulder and I saw Amy's eyes grow wide as she saw who stood behind me. I turned around to look at the brunette behind me, instantly recognizing her face. It was like her face had a knife and it ripped and clawed at all the old wounds that had just started to finally heal.

"Sarah" I said, astonished that she actually had the guts to show up right behind me in a damn grocery store.

"Hey stranger" she said, she looked at me with a face that showed she missed me.

"Where were you all this time? It's been five months and you haven't responded to my calls or sms', you could've let me know where you were." I said, I had to be careful not to raise my voice.

"I had to do "something", I'm sorry I didn't contact you" she said.

"Well, as far as I'm concerned, we're through. I'm sorry, but after what you did..." she interrupted me,

My eye caught Amy, she was moving towards some random shelf, leaving us to our privacy.

"Did what Joe?" she asked, I couldn't believe her, was she just acting stupid or did I miss something?

"Dissappear Sarah. Dissappear without a trace, not letting any of your friends, or me, know where you were going. Not a note, not a hint, nothing. One moment you're there and the next moment you're gone. And now you want to come back as if nothing happened?"

"Look, I'm sorry. I should've let..." she said, but I interrupted her

"You know what Sarah? You know what really broke my heart? The day you left was the day I was going to propose to you, but you just left, left us all behind to go do your "thing"."

Although I was a believer that guys don't cry, I felt my eyes start to water up, my voice started trembling and with my voice raised, I said "You know what else Sarah? I've waited four and a half months for you to return, and just when I thought I was over you, you come and tap me on my shoulder as if nothing ever happened! So go back to wherever you came from and don't come back, because I sure as hell never want to see you again!"

I turned towards Amy and she nodded, an approval that I may go home. As I walked towards the exit I saw that people started staring at me, the guy who just shouted at his now ex-girlfriend, but I didn't give a damn. I didn't look back at her though, only later I heard from Amy that Sarah was embarrased and collapsed on the floor, crying...

Meh, I'm feeling a little soppy tonight. Dunno why, just wrote...

Thoughts?

[Demikid]

It was a hot and humid day in Nireon and I was fidgeting with my sword and clutching my stomach. Business was slow; people no longer wanted just a mercenary instead they wanted some hero who could slay dragons and pull swords out of stones. I thought all those guys were all idiots that couldn’t tell which side was the head or the tail of their girlish ponies; they couldn’t hold a candle to me. Walking along the market path, I watched as a little girl started crying because her mother wouldn’t let he have a larger packet of sweets, ungrateful brat. I sighed, there has to be someone who doesn’t need to saved from blah blah castle on top of who actual cares hill protected by the great and terrible dragon “Dumb Old Fart”. Maybe the tavern would have some work for a normal merc, so I asked the nearest town guard for directions but he was so drunk when I tapped him on the shoulder he collapsed speaking some strange sentence in a slow slur. After questioning what I did to anger every god in the world; I immediately got myself lost looking for the tavern that with my luck would be a portal to an evil god hell bent on my suffering.
“Help!!” shrieked a girl running out of an alley straight behind me
“Hey what’s going on here” I didn’t want to get involved with whatever was trying to get her; I knew that from her purple dress she was a powerful wizard.
“leave the girl alone if you know what’s good for you” said a man in a black robe; why do all gangs think dressing a black robe actually makes them look like they are part of the Death’s Servants.
“You sound like you have my interests in mind I’ll do what you say”
“What? Are you just going to let him do whatever he wants to me” she sounded surprised; she must have been insane why would I help her I wouldn’t get anything out of it
“Yeah, you see he’s offering me a better deal than you are”
“What if I paid you 35?”
“35, do you think just cause I’m a merc that I’m stupid that won’t get me very far” I said backing away from the wizard
“Ok! Ok! 100 then”
“Well.......” I said backing towards the idiot who had done nothing while I was negotiating my next payment before ramming my elbow into the man’s face, “that’ll be 100 gold”
“Um..... Just send it to the castle”
“Ha ha, no I only accept my gold in person, it’s the only way I can stop clients from ditching their duty to pay me” I said infuriated I had all the excuses there were but this took one the case.
“But I don’t have it on me.”
“Then I guess you can’t leave then” I said a bit louder than intended.
“Don’t worry princess I’ll save you from this knave
Of course! A purple dress isn’t for wizards its for royalty. It wasn’t a excuse, she was actually part of the royal. These were all the thoughts that went through my mind before the knight used his painfully hard shield to break my nose and render me unconscious. That evil god must have been enjoying himself today.
I thought up this scene mainly because I'm tired of stupid fairy tales of princesses and prince charmings and blah blah blah

[Sir PaniCore]

Heres the new piece as well as the previous piece just revised slightly just so you can Identify the characters more easily as well as see rankings of the enemy since the angels are soldiers really:


“Oi, Nigel, why in the bloody ‘ell did you throw the poor bastard so ****in far?”

Evangeline Looked up from her tears, Surprised to hear a voice. The voices were originating from behind the hole that the dead man had created.

“Sir, our orders were to hunt and destroy; He was of no use to us.” Another voice replied from beyond the wall.

“Don’t mean we can’t ‘ave any fun wit them, ay Nigel?” the original voice remarked, with a distinct hint of cruelty in his voice.

Evangeline recognised the accents of one of the men. It seemed that this man had lived in London for a bit as he had the rough raw English accent. The others accent was much harder to discern, as his tone of voice was completely monotonous and uncaring.

“Honestly, sir. I don’t even know why you continue to deceive yourself with these fake emotions.”
“Yeah, well it helps me forget that I’m a ****in, piece of **** slave now, don’t it.”As he said this, Evangeline saw an armoured gauntlet grab hold of the edge of the gaping hole in the wall. She recognised the armour; it was the same type of gauntlet that had held the sword that had pierced her mothers’ chest. The hissing cat in her lap only made the feeble illusion, that many call hope fall, away from Evangeline like the blade of a guillotine, only confirming her upcoming death.

Evangeline sat there frozen in fear… No, not fear, She was tired now, tired of running, Tired of hiding, tired of being afraid… tired from living. She had, had a strong resolve until now. Until, she was introduced to the deceitful illusion of hope. She had heard the voices, thinking, that these were to be her saviours, only to have this new found hope dashed in the ground, now along with her resolve. Now she just wanted it to end.

Now a head had emerged and Evangeline sat there, frozen, watching the rest of the creature emerges. The angel stood before Evangeline in front of the leering leprechauns head, staring at the dead man at his feet. He was wearing full body, metallic armour. The exact same kind of armour you would see a knight in the Middle Ages would wear, except it was much more intricately detailed and decorated with crosses and other religious engravings. The armour also had a large circular hole in the centre of his chest. The armour was silver with a strange almost glowing blue tint and looked much too heavy for a normal human to wear comfortably. Evangeline saw that this one was holding his Helmet and was not wearing it like all the other Angels she had seen.

Evangeline looked up at the angels face and Saw ice blue eyes staring at the body. She was surprised at how ‘human’ the demi-god looked. He had pure black hair, in a crop cut. He had rough but surprisingly attractive features with a rough goatee lining his face.

“Lieutenant, sir, do you honestly feel that we’re slaves to our father?” The other angel asked, emerging from the hole.

“I’m an angel, I don’t feel nothing.” Remarked the lieutenant; now kicking the corpse.

Evangeline, looked at the other angel, Nigel, she heard the other angel calling him. He had his helmet on so she couldn’t see any features at all. He must have been of a lower rank than the lieutenant, since his armour was bronze coloured with a bland sheen to it and was also much less decorated than the lieutenants.

“Well let’s see if there’s any soul left in this lil’ fish.” As he said this, the lieutenant reached out and pulled out a large broad sword from a scabbard on his back and impaled the corpse. Evangeline saw his eyes glow as this occurred.

“They’re distracted, c’mon we can make an escape now” James whispered to Evangeline.
Evangeline simply nodded, picked up James in one hand and started crawling away; trying to make her escape from the monsters across the street. She reached the door of the casino and as she grabbed the handle….

“Where do ya think your goin’ muppet?” Evangeline froze. She was sure she had not made a single sound, how did he notice her when he was occupied with that corpse? Evangeline heard footsteps approaching from behind her, the dreadful noise getting louder forcing her mind and body into panic. She grabbed the door handle as hard as she could, and yanked, this only caused her to pull a muscle in her arm since, she realised with a wince of pain and dread, the door was locked. She fell back onto her backside, dropping James onto the ground and clutching her shoulder in pain. The footsteps behind her which were now deafening in Evangeline’s ears, suddenly stopped. Teary eyed, she slowly looked over her shoulder and suddenly saw a gauntlet, fast as lightning, reaching towards her throat. All of a sudden Evangeline was hoisted into the air by her throat, struggling to breathe and kicking her feet in pointless defiance; she opened her eyes and looked down towards the hideous blue eyes of her attacker. The terrible blue eyes of her attacker and the evil grin he expressed in her pain and fear; the exact same expression of that accursed leprechaun, taunting her, condemning her.


Oh and finally came up with a title for my project it will be called:DEICIDE or something along those lines. and then obviously for each installment it will have a sub heading. Just looke up deicide in the dictionary and you will understand the title.

[Graal]

Demikid, I really enjoyed that piece. You kinda lost me at the tavern part, but the rest was really awesome.

[Bonezmann]

@ Panicore

From Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deicide)
Deicide is the killing of a god, goddess, or similar deity.

I'm losing interest...

edit:

As a side note, panicore. I''d like to mention that I tried to draw Evangeline as I would imagine her, while my pc was formatting, anime-style complete with cat on her shoulder. It came out horrible. :D
\edit

I'll read Demikid's piece a tad later, I had to format two pc's today and I'm tired, I won't be able to concentrate hard enough to follow the story. :)

[Miktar]

Anyone doing NaNoWriMo this year?

[Sir PaniCore]

@ Panicore

From Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deicide)

I'm losing interest...

edit:

As a side note, panicore. I''d like to mention that I tried to draw Evangeline as I would imagine her, while my pc was formatting, anime-style complete with cat on her shoulder. It came out horrible. :D
\edit

I'll read Demikid's piece a tad later, I had to format two pc's today and I'm tired, I won't be able to concentrate hard enough to follow the story. :)

Well its not the final title... just thought it may be cool. so whats making you lose interest?

[Graal]

Anyone doing NaNoWriMo this year?

Not sure, I'm going to go check it out. The problem is just I have Matric exams coming up, so anything else comes second after studying.

Edit: I'm signing up. If I can't finish in time, oh well, tough luck. Do you reckon it'll be fine if I start planning now already, not writing yet, but just planning?

Edit:http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/536203 -> There's my page for anyone else who is considering joining up or just want to keep track of my progress.

[Bonezmann]

Anyone doing NaNoWriMo this year?

Sure, why not? I'll give it a go. :)

[dammit]

A story written in parts.



It really was rather unexpected. Well, certainly no one would have said they expected the events that did follow, even if they had had an inkling, as this would have ruined the opening line to the story and absolutely no one wanted that.

What did occur was rather frightening. For the village people, at least. City people may have found it all rather ordinary, had they noticed it at all, but it really was an unusual occurrence for a place so far removed from the technological advances of the modern day.

[Gazza_N]

Part II:


It all started with that accursed TV set. One of the children who'd headed off to the city lugged it home to the village in the back of a truck. The truck was surprise enough, belching toxic fumes like a demonic forge. One of the elders fainted at the sound of it - she swore some sort of unholy Hellgate had opened. Then out popped the youngster, and a few more elders fainted, or made warding gestures and symbols with whatever they had at hand.

It was quite the mission carrying the TV to the house without getting holy water or hot oil sloshed all over the youngster, but he made it eventually. And then the fun really began...

[BlackMage]

Part III:


The inside of the house was suffocating, the old diesel generator needed to get the TV started only came with a small length of cabling, and so it sat in the middle of the elder's hut, next to the ceremonial biscuit tray and on - to Head Elder Snygol's utter dismay - his favorite disemboweling table.

He fumbled with the arcane symbols of television dial, and with a flourish switched it on...

[Gazza_N]

Part IV:


The screen lit up with static, bathing the table in a ghostly light that threw into sharp relief the knife marks and residual bloodstains that Snygol hadn't quite got around to cleaning off yet. A deafening hiss echoed through the house, mixing with the generator's chugging to form a dissonant cacophony, like snakes cheering on a particularly impressive steel-drum solo.

"Just give me a second, dad," said his son, still slightly damp from holy water. "I'll have 'er tuned in no time."

Snygol said nothing. He knew it was useless to argue with his son. It hadn't helped years ago when the impetuous youth had decided to seek his fortune in the city, and it wouldn't help now. So he just watched as mysterious dials were twiddled and tweaked, and static swirled in hypnotic patterns on the screen.

The rest of the village's denizens, however, were not so passive...

[dammit]

Part V:


On the other side of the village, which was really more like the other side of the only road that intercepted the number of squat buildings that spread themselves over the sparsely vegetated piece of land, a meeting was already in progress.

When anything of a nature not usual for the village occurs within the village, a meeting is held almost immediately. It is a simple case of 'hold meetings first, never ask any questions ever' and those that deemed themselves the important members of the village (all four of them) were in attendance.

"Things from the city just shouldn't be allowed here, ever. They're unholy. They're evil. They'll corrupt the simple village-folk and have everyone running amok within days. The chaos would be to horrid to imagine." Cerbal's voice boomed above the chatter of the others.

"Yes, I must agree," added Nerb, Cerbal's rather retarded younger brother pointlessly. He always agreed.

"But what do we do? No one has ever entered Snygol's house without invitation and come out again able to string sentences together." Lyld pointed out the major problem with any plan they may attempt.

"Well, we'll just get ourselves invited now won't we?" Cerbal much preferred solutions to problems, "And I see Jynor in the back is volunteering..."

[Goraan]

Not related to the above story. This is something I wrote a while ago. Probably the only thing I've ever written that has made any sense. Read it, don't read it.

I know its quite long. Sorry


The large ominous shadow drifted in the corner. Like formless smoke, not solid yet not completely translucent. It hovered there unmoving, going seemingly unnoticed by the other children. They sat laughing and playing with the toys presented to them, quite oblivious to the shadow.

I wasn?t, I saw it and it unnerved me so much so that I had tucked my feet up onto my plastic chair, scared that it would notice me had I touched the ground.

Now that I think back I had a few superstitious habits that were meaningless to all but me. The paint on the door-handle at home had chipped off revealing the silhouette of a horned man. This scared me more than I would care to admit so whenever I was in the bathroom I would never make a sound hoping that the horned man wouldn?t hear me and leave me alone. I also hated mirrors, I broke the one that was inside my cupboard so I would never have to look at it in the dark and I?d always be too afraid to go to the bathroom at night in case I caught a glimpse of the mirror before I turned the light on.

The shadow never moved. I wondered if it would be there when Teacher June came back into the room or if her warm hearted nature would drive it away. This shadow was nothing good I knew that even at that age. A troubled child not old enough to tie his shoes, but I saw monsters in every dark space and ghosts where normal people saw nothing. My mind was always full of voices I couldn?t recognize, memories I had no part in, even faces and names of people I?d never met. My mind was silent now. All I heard was the distant laughter of my class mates. It was as if the shadow?s presence smothered everything else. It looked at me, even though it had no eyes, it looked right at me. I could feel its soulless gaze penetrate my body and look right at my soul. I felt its pleasure at seeing how damaged I was from the encounters with others of its kind. The dead. The lifeless. The evil.

I was told a story when I was younger about a man in hospital who left his cupboard door open at night and every night something would escape from it and take a part of his life. He stayed in the hospital for weeks; the doctors were all puzzled at his frail condition. Until one day a nurse noticed the cupboard was slightly open and locked the door. The man recovered soon after now that the thing in the cupboard at the hospital couldn?t reach him. I never slept with my cupboard open again.

The door opened and Teacher June walked in, I looked back towards the corner and the shadow had gone. The world flooded back to me in a rush. All the sounds and smells, the world even seemed brighter.

It wouldn?t be accurate to say I had a crush on my nursery school teacher because I wasn?t old enough to know what that even meant but I was attached to her. Her kind heart had given me a great comfort. I felt safer with her than I did at home. She truly was meant for her profession. She came to me and asked me why I looked so pale and why I wasn?t playing with the other children. Earlier in the year she had told my parents I was an introvert?That I wouldn?t easily be able to deal with my peers. In part she was right. At that stage I didn?t have any friends; no one would want to be friends with a freak who imagines ghosts and monsters. I was ahead of the other children in terms of intelligence. I was better at anything that involved numbers or reading but I had serious concentration problems. It was a side-effect of having to listen to the voices in my head as well as live life.

I remember the day quite clearly. It was nap time and everyone in the class had their own mattresses with their own symbol on it. I was the key. Quite symbolic I?d say having so much potential locked away and never being able to find the key for it. I had taken my mattress and laid it next to a friend I had made. A girl who?s name completely escapes me but I remember giving her a valentine?s card. I couldn?t will myself to sleep so I waited until I heard Teacher June leave like she normally did when we were all asleep. I sat up on my mattress and looked to the corner expecting to see the shadow. It had returned almost daily after I first saw it. It wasn?t there. I lay back down a little disappointed that it wasn?t there. As I lay my head down I noticed wisps of smoke curling just in and out of my line of sight. At that moment I went cold. I knew it was there, hovering over me. Expecting me to look up, but I was too afraid. I closed my eyes, imagined the most comforting thing I could and forced myself to sleep.

I would classify myself as a strange child. I never used to simply get out of bed, I used to leap across my room to avoid being caught by the tentacles I imagined coming out from under my bed. I would sleep with my light on, not a night light because it would cast too many shadows, I would leave my room light on and sleep like that. The day I got a TV I used to leave it on so I could hear the voices. It would make me feel like I wasn?t alone... or rather that I wasn?t alone with him.

There was a boy in my class back then. His name was Nicholas. He was popular and good-looking. He even had shoes with lights in them. I hated him for having everything I didn?t. I hated the fact that he was normal. I would have given anything to make him see the shadow and let him be too afraid to sleep with the light off, for me to be normal and have friends. I was na?ve back then, I had a gift and as much as it wasn?t fair what it did to me, it was a part of me and I believe now that wishing it away was the worst thing I could have done.

It spoke to me. One day while I was drawing a picture, it called out to me. I had my back to the corner, too afraid to turn around. I heard it say my name inside and outside of my head. I looked around to see if anyone else had heard it but no one else looked up. It called my name again. I knew it was the shadow calling, I could see his figure in my mind; I heard his hollow voice echo inside my head. He wanted me to help him, he needed me to give him a home. I was young and na?ve. I asked him aloud what exactly he needed. The children around the table had all assumed I caught onto the trend of having an imaginary friend. I only wish it was that simple.

I feel him to this day. I can hear his voice. He has become the manifestation of every dark thought and wrongful act I?ve had and done. Back then we was the darkness I knew nothing about, the formless smoke that intrigued my childish mind. Now he is my dark side, the shape of my conscience.

He is my dark half. He is the voice that drives me to commit unspeakable acts. He revels at the sight of blood, be my own or someone else?s. He is more than a demon. He has given life to the demon that was already inside me. He is me

He is Goraan.

[Gazza_N]

Part VI:


"No I'm not!" exclaimed Jynor. "How come I'm always the one who gets 'volunteered' for stuff like this?"
"Yes, I must agree," said Nerb, grinning toothlessly.

Cerbal sighed dramatically. Then he sighed again, more loudly this time, and then sighed once more for good measure.
"Fine. We'll all go, but I suggest we equip ourselves properly. There's no telling what manner of devilry that foul machine may use on us. Lyld!"
Lyld stroked his beard thoughtfully. "Well, I have a fair amount of holy water stockpiled, and I have some new warding chants that I've written, but I haven't had a chance to test them yet."
"Yes, I must agree," offered Nerb, a thin rivulet of yellow-tinged spittle making the slow trek down his chin.
"Well, now's the perfect time to do it!" said Cerbal with finality.
"And the invitation? We don't want to upset him..." Lyld shuddered.
Cerbal stood up and looked pointedly at Nerb. "I think we have a way around that. Don't we, dear brother?"

This time, Nerb didn't say a word.

[kolle_hond]

I randomly wrote a script for a short film/film (its unfinished) today. It's called Clinton & Tinus get lost in the woods. (obviously starring my two friends clinton & tinus, the guys who came second in the RA3 comp at rage)

scene1:

clinton: paul, lets play some HoN
paul: You know I don't play crap
clinton: What, you scared I'm gonna own you again
paul: try me in wow, that's what real men play
clinton: real men play games that are actually competitive where you can actually win something
without levling your character for a month
paul: You know I actually feel sorry for you, not knowing how to actually commit to something
worth playing

tinus walks in

Tinus: Ey clinton
clinton: hey bastard
Tinus: Noob
Paul: yo, tinus, you level 80 yet?
Tinus: Paul I told you I don't play crap
Paul: you guys fail.
Tinus: Clinton, you ready to own some guys at the comp?
clinton: what?
Tinus: the 2v2 comp, have you already forgotten? Typical
clinton: you forget who is the one in the top 100
Tinus: and you forgot who bought you the game now get a move on.

scene2:

tinus and clinton carrying pc's at mpld

clinton: you better not screw this up for us
tinus: I could tell you the same thing
clinton: ooh, I wasn't the one who cost us the match against those rank 300 noobs

random dude: are you guys manjalas and supert?
clinton: Yes?
random dude: please follow me

tinus: dude why the hell are we in the middle of the bushes?
clinton: I don't know, ask the dude
tinus: you ask him
clinton: you're better with people than I am
tinus: great, we lost him
clinton: where the hell are we
tinus: why the hell did we follow him in the first place?
clinton: what the hell is that?
tinus: looks like something from silent hill, this is some really messed up crap.
clinton: your telling me
tinus: what was that?
clinton: probably that psyco that led us here
tinus: hey ***, show your face!
clinton: how the hell did he know our nicks?
tinus: he's probably some internet pedophile or something
clinton: since we have no idea how to get back, how about we stack a hubly
tinus: what? you carried your hubly with you all the way?
clinton: no **** dr obvious
tinus: where are we gonna get water for it?
clinton: (pulls out water bottle) I come prepared. Now remember, this may be the only
water we have for days so we better not waste it
tinus: (throws all the wate into the hubly) See? I didn't spill any.
clinton: awesome

1 hour later

tinus: dude, this hubly was a awesome idea (passes the pipe to clinton)
clinton: those are the only types of ideas I have (passes the pipe to a random monster)
tinus: (sees the monster) WHAT THE ****!? (grabs hubly pipe and chokes it to death)
clinton: great, you made the hubly fall over
grass suddenly sets on fire
tinus and clinton stomp it out
tinus: that was close
clinton: what are you talking about, that was all your fault.
tinus: that thing would have eaten you alive
clinton: what? mienke's badly burned dog?
tinus: oh...
clinton: she's gonna kill you when she finds out, and you owe me a new pipe
tinus: isn't it about time we got out of here
clinton: oh yeah (takes out his cellphone) Hey, paul, can you and coleen come get us? I
don't know somewhere in the woods. Ok, see you then.
Tinus: (stares at clinton) why didn't you call them an hour ago?
clinton: my lungs couldn't take it, I had to have some hubly.
tinus smacks clinton over the head
Clinton: ow!
tinus: (points) what's that? blood?
clinton: looks like it, lets follow the trail

random scenes of clinton and tinus walking on and on

[Graal]

Gazza_N and Dammit, are you going to finish that story somewhere in the near future. It was a fun read so far.

[dammit]

Part VII:


The first step in getting yourself invited to someone's home in this particular village was to present them with their favourite edibles. This usually went a whole lot smoother when the would-be invitee was actually capable in the kitchen, especially at the much sought after skill of not-burning-it-down. There were only three fully functioning kitchens left in the whole village, and they were fiercely guarded.

Luckily Lyd thought himself quite the ladies man, as ladies men go in small villages, and was up to the challenge of getting one of baker's daughters to mix him up a little something.

Meanwhile Cerbal, sure that Lyd was as incapable of getting a loaf of bread from a bakery as Nerb was incapable of tying his own shoelaces, set about planning the midnight storm on Syngor's house. Not entirely sure what they would need, Cerbal attempted to have them each kitted out for every possibility: a few litres of holy water, a silver stake, a religious symbol from every known religion and ear plugs. The noises that had been emanating from the home since the arrival of the devil box had grown increasingly loud and obscene.

[Gazza_N]

Gadzooks! A Part VIII!


Before too long, Lyld returned sporting the regular nail-marks and shallow lacerations from kitchen knives, but also (to Cerbal's great surprise) two currant loaves.

After he'd sewed up the nastier wounds with fishing gut and dabbed some salt on the rest, the committee of Elders made their way to Snygol's house, all looking very dour and serious, as befitted their dangerous task. The sun was setting as they approached, and they were conscious of a ethereal glow shining from the windows of Snygol's hut. This was accompanied by voices they had never heard before, music created by a vast orchestra that couldn't possibly have fitted in the humble dwelling, and sounds that could only conceivably come from nethermost regions of Hell (as did anything that wasn't readily recognisable or edible).

Cerbal cleared his throat and knocked sharply on the door of the hut.
"Snygol, I hereby request entrance to your home," he intoned solemnly in the pattern of the formal home-entering ritual.

No reply. Cerbal looked at his colleagues nervously, then knocked again.

He knocked again, significantly louder this time. "We come bearing fresh currant bread, good Snygol. May we enter your home?"

Once again, there was no reaction from within the hut. He motioned to Jynor, who pouted and cautiously sneaked up to the window, peering within. He gasped in horror and beckoned to the others.

Inside the hut sat Snygol, illuminated by the demon box. He stared blankly, enthralled by the shifting multicoloured light and grinning happily to himself as shadows danced around him.

The elders let out a collective wail of despair, which Snygol didn't seem to hear. Cerbal dropped the loaves and shouted to Nerb. "Do it!"

Nerb trotted a few meters away, then turned to face the hut and charged full-tilt towards its door, head lowered like an incredibly stupid, skinny, hornless bull.

There was a tremendous crack as Nerb's skull and Snygol's door became much more intimately acquainted.

[Kharrak]

Some dabbling:


Trecks followed closely behind Dimitri, although his pace was stifled. The interior ebbed a cool blue hue in such a way that any potential for shade was dissolved away, a luminous cloth whipping away any spec or smear of shadow. Though the lack of ambush points was reassuring, it also meant there were no places that allowed for stealth. When he would by chance catch a glimpse of the floor beneath him, part of his brain would realize that the light also removed any semblance of a self-shadow, though he tried his damndest to not notice.

The observation slowly crept under the roof Treck?s mind until it shallow denials were no longer able to allow him the pleasure of ignorance, and when he finally acknowledged it, it was surprisingly jarring and disorientating. To Treck?s frustration, Dimitri showed no signs of noticing the oddity, his face facing forward and spearing his steady advance down the corridor. Trecks comforted himself by deciding that Dimitri had indeed noticed, but had steadfastly decided not to look down.

The corridor lead them out into the interior of an immense tower, the scale of the interior space within was quite intimidating for the pair who had just spent the last few minutes traversing a comparatively claustrophobic path. Upper floors were carved into the interior wall, distant shapes in which hinted at shops and markets of various designs bulging out of the structural balconies that lined the curved wall. Piercing down the centre of the tower was a suspended needle of dark blue luminous light, radiating the floors and constructs that circled around it.

?One of the main commercial silos, the size suggests we?re about half way up the spire? declared Dimitri, breaking the silence with as much force as a testosterone filled bull barrelling into an aged man who had just gotten out of bed on a late Sunday morning. ?We?ll find lifts along the sides, though their status of repair is something I can?t guarantee.? ?That big light is still on, does that mean we may have some settlers?? inquired Trecks. ?Possibly, though the light isn?t any indication towards inhabitation, they run by themselves. They?re essentially miniature suns with food colouring. On the other hand, functional machinery making use of the Sun-Needles are reliable sign of inhabitants of some form? replied Dimitri. Trecks laughed a sigh. ?So even if we win, we lose, eh? I suppose we would have to fight them for it, then.? In reality, Trecks would have been surprised, and possibly disappointed, if they found no opposition. The self-containing habitat of the spires were highly desirable, and it was easy to hide a small city populous within the wreckage of any one of the levels.

A sudden painful crack pierced through Treck?s ears. Dimitri had stepped forward out into the tower?s base, and was gazing at the surface he had trod on. The entire floor, as far as they could see, was carpeted with glass shards, some areas knee deep. A sea of shattered remains of once glorious decorations that used to hang on the high walls above. With their attention now drawn to the ground, they could see a slight aurora mist hovering above the floor ? an affect created by the sea of glass shards as they reflected the luminous flares of the Sun-needle above.

Dimitri only idled at the spectacle for a few seconds before he continued over the glass towards the nearest would-be lift. Trechs followed, paranoid imaginings of butchered and flayed feet propelling his desire to get off the current floor. The echo of the two as they trudged over the glass see was almost maddening, the crunching and squealing sound growing into as much a physical assault as it was an audible one. ?It sounds like the entire building is bloody well being ground by teeth?, spat out Trecks.

He was about to wind out a follow up complaint, but he stopped in his tracks, and peered back up to the walls of the tower. One of the lifts was descending from above, with what appeared to be a large multi-legged machine hugging the lift?s body. Two of the machine?s appendages were spread out and were grappling the sides of the shaft, creating a metallic scream as the lift descended, as if the lift were screaming as it fell to its death amidst the shard sea.

[Graal]

Once again, that was awesome Dammit and co. It's written in a very serious tone, yet very humorous at the same time.

And it's two days from NaNoWriMo. Does all those competing have any idea what you're going to write about yet? I still have no idea, aside from the fact that my main character will have wings. It's always been one of the things I wished I had the most, so the main character will have a pair :p

[dammit]

Kharrak, I want to know what happens next! But fix up your direct speech and paragraphing too ;) It's interesting. It flows. And I like the style. Nice one.

[Adeptus]

An small piece of the fan fiction I'm working on (WAR 40K).
Please feel free to comment as the comments I received on Astronomicon were less than helpful. Keep in mind this is an Alpha version.

A scything wind flung ice particles like flying daggers across the the cold landscape. A weak black haloed star tried to pierce the wispy clouds that streaked overhead. They tracked phantom like shadows over the brownish snow. A ragged trail of oily smoke marked the position of the pod. Its sudden deceleration had not stopped it gouging out a 500m scar into the snow. The adantuim hull was buckled and scorched in a myriad of places. It sat unceremoniously against the mound of dirty ice and permafrost it had accumulated, belching smoke out of the, now useless retro thrusters. The port side pod door lay a good 20 meters back, ripped from its hinges by the colossal forces of landing. Wind howled like a pack of hungry wolves through the black inky maw of the drop-pod.

Trooper Darius Mendel swam through the sooty warmth of unconsciousness...
He became aware of the infernal howling, disrupting the peace. Groggily he felt the pinching bite on his shoulders. He dumbly turned his head and saw the grav-seat straps digging into his flesh. He fumbled for the release.
Click.
BAM.
He dropped down onto the floor like a sack of aardfruits, instantly feeling the icy fingers of frost caressing his cheek. He drunkenly sat up and saw that his seat was strangely out of position, buckled by the dented bulkhead that had pushed it's way in. A yellow warning light strobed rhythmically, contrasting with the soft gray light flooding in through the ramp door.

He closed his eyes and recollected his thoughts. The chaplain was moaning a litany...the scared faces of his comrades. They were told the LZ was going to be hot...very hot. Everything swam and he struggled to organize his thoughts as though he was trying to catch wyrm eels in a barrel.
He opened and closed his eyes a few time to refocus them. Darius stared at the scene in front of him. Markuz stared dumbly back at him with vacant bloodshot eyes. Blood that had been running in rivulets from his nose, mouth and eyes had turned his face into a icy red mask. Darius turned and vomited a mouth full of bile, which instantly steamed on the cold floor, as he saw the jagged pieces of long silvery plating shrapnel that protruded from the trooper's broken chest. Hot tears welled up in his eyes as hi realized his friend was dead.
Friend?
Suddenly as though he had turned on a Pict-viewer he saw himself and Markuz playing regicide and drinking warm broth laced with caffeine and herbs in a smoky barracks. The comforting smile that was always pasted on Markuz' face, as if he dished out comradeship to his friends, like he emptied a lasgun into a horde of heretics. The memories strafed Darius' brain and he slowly looked around and noticed the havoc that was the droppod interior. Some troopers still hung stiffly in their grav restraints, while others lay sprawled amongst twisted and buckled floorboards. Voxcasters, ammo boxes, lasguns and other kit lay stern haphazardly everywhere. A flamer was hanging limply in Trooper Fabius' arms, it's severed feeder pipe steadily leaking promethium into a growing pool on the floor. The heavy, spicy pungent aroma drifting past Darius as it was sucked out by the cold wind.

Darius picked himself up and sorely got to his feet. His muscles ached. Sergeant Baki was lying on his stomach his skull quite clearly cracked open by the dented ammo crate next to him. Darius heaved again but just dry hot air rasped his throat as his stomach dry-heaved.
He stumbled over lasgun clips, a bent heavy bolter with its ammo stern across the deck. Darius squinted into the wind as ice-devils whiffled and danced on the flat featureless plain in front of him. The scent of death was oppressive in the claustrophobic droppod and he was glad to get out into the open.
Taking a deep breath Darius climbed back in and started checking each limp body for signs of life. A hololith was flickering on the central console, showing error runes. Darius picked his way towards it.
?DATA FEED LOST?, the mechanical voxed chimed as Darius touched the control surface. He quickly scanned the memory banks to double check that there were no physical errors. He vaguely remembered the Adeptus Mechanicus techpriest that had given them a course on how to operate the hololiths. His mind remembered the command protocols and his fingers danced across the input board. He brought up the drop-path and mission parameters of the squad. Planetary charts...
Metus IV...

The calm colonel strode in front of the ranks.
?The forces of Chaos are developing massive new weapons to use against the Holy Imperium?, his heavily burned face cracked into a smile.
?We will be the shiny, bloody tip of the Spear of the Emperor as we plunge deep into it's vile heart and liberate Metus IV from these heretics?, he walked with a limp and his augmentic eye seemed to stare into each soldier's soul.

Darius blinked away the memory and returned to the luminescent line on the hololith depicting the drop-path of the pods. Anomaly runes flashed all along the path, as if the machine spirit was confusing the path and intended landing zone with that of a previous mission or planet. Darius checked the topography and landscape settings.
It showed the base of a mountain... next to a huge manufactory complex... in a lush clearing in dense rain forest. He looked out of the ramp door at the endless expanse of tundra. The glittering icy snow twinkled and blinked at him mockingly.
The anomalies flashed repeatedly. While the cold wind on Darius' neck didn't trigger the goosebumps, he realized something terrible had gone wrong.

383rd Tattered Sky Shock Troopers
He glanced at his lapel and saw the badge... the ancient Tatting bear clutching two horned skulls in its paws. Dolus in extremis was boldly stenciled across the bottom. The meaning had been screamed at the new recruits over and over: WE INTEND TO GO TO THE GATES OF HELL.

The hololith was displaying the mission parameters:
Capture weapons manufactory Sigma.
Secure ?WARP BELL? project with Inquisition forces...

[Sir PaniCore]

@ Panicore

From Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deicide)

I'm losing interest...

edit:

As a side note, panicore. I''d like to mention that I tried to draw Evangeline as I would imagine her, while my pc was formatting, anime-style complete with cat on her shoulder. It came out horrible. :D
\edit

I'll read Demikid's piece a tad later, I had to format two pc's today and I'm tired, I won't be able to concentrate hard enough to follow the story. :)

just like to say that the book is coming along wonderfully with a second main character appearing as well as some awesome fight scenes. I just want to know what was making you lose interest in that part bonez?

[Stalker 103]

Hey guys.
I'm trying to write a book and would like some help here.
Here is the Sort of prequel. Will post a bit of Chapter 1 in a moment.


Prologue
This is a Extract from the Journal of Dr Cathrope found by the Recon Team.

"They didn't think it would happen". Sighs "But it did.I guess it's mostly my fault". "I was the one who pitched the idea to the U.N" . Laughs "Thinking back now, I think this was my worst idea yet". "I thought I would be famous, have Fame and Money". "I'll get fame allright, but for the man who caused the Apocalypse". "This will be my last Diary Entry". "I'll leave my Journal here, so whoever finds it will know that it was I, Dr David Cathrope who caused this mess". "So all that's left to say before I leave the Bunker is..........What? No, please......Ack!!"

All that is heard from now is a Big Thud, Presumably from Dr Cathrope's body hitting the Ground.

[Sir PaniCore]

@stalker your writing style needs work. It sounds very cartoony and doesn't flow.

[Bonezmann]

You should also be more descriptive Stalker,"" I was the one who pitched the idea to the U.N" . Laughs" doesn't really tell the reader much. Try something like this:


I find myself looking out the window into space, "They never thought it would happen, but it did". I turn around from the window, sigh, I guess it is mostly my fault. After all, I was the one who pitched the idea to the U.N.."

I chuckle silently, "Thinking back now, it was probably my worst idea ever."


I'm probably not the best writer, but that's a point in the right direction. :)

edit: upon a second read, I see it's an audio journal, try telling the story through the person who is listening to the audio.

Sir Panicore, it's complicated and it'll turn into a flame war, let's leave it at that. I would like to give your book a read once it's done though, the 'feel' still intrigues me... :)

[Obi Two Kenobi]

This is the first part of a short story I started a while ago. I certainly know and feel it needs improvement on certain parts but I'm not quite certain how it can be improved, well, not at this point anyway, I've been quite lazy lately, now that I'm finished with Matric. Any comments would be much appreciated.



“Ring-ring, ring-ring…”.
Tom rolls is eyes and snatches his cellphone from the breakfast table. That ringtone should really be changed some time, he thinks.
“Tom Taylor speaking”
“I’m glad to hear that you haven’t overslept again Tommy, this is a big day for us you know, make sure you’re at the university at 9’o clock sharp, I don’t want half a story in tomorrow’s paper.”
Tom quickly stares at the Daily Post lying on the breakfast table in front of him and reads the headline:
‘Scientists unveil universe conception device today’
“Of course Mr. Edwards, wouldn’t miss it for the world”
“I’m glad. O yes, I won’t be able to make it, there’s a problem at the printers I have to sort out, good luck and make sure our readers get what they pay for.”
“You can count on me Mr. Edwards, see you this afternoon. Goodbye.”
As he puts his cellphone in his pocket and goes on to enjoy the last pieces of scrambled egg left on his plate, Tom is suddenly reminded to look at his watch : 08:11
“Blazes!”
He hurriedly gulps down his coffee, grabs his camera on the kitchen counter and heads out the door.

Just as he turns around the corner to the university, he realizes that he should have come much earlier. The security guard at the entrance ensures his thinking and signals that there‘s no more parking space left. Tom hates parallel parking, and tries to avoid it as much as he can, but today he has no other choice.

The convention centre in the university is crammed full of professors, students and scientists, Tom knew it was going to be quite a story, but he didn’t expect to see people sitting on the floor.

Luckily, through the madness, a hand is waving at him. Mr. Andrews must have sorted out the problem at the printers sooner than he'd hoped. Regarding himself lucky enough to get a seat, Tom quickly cuts through the masses, but as he comes closer to the waving hand, the smile on his face is no more. The seat caretaker is no one other than Billy Wood**** or ‘Dim Bill’ as they used to call him at school. Bill has always wanted to be a scientist since that day in fourth grade when Mrs. Brown demonstrated to them the mixing of baking soda and vinegar. Unfortunately, Billy was never able to get into this studying field, because, well…he wasn’t first in line when brain cells were handed out.
“Hi Tom, are you also here to see this amazing machine? It amazes me what scientists are able to come up with these days.”
“Hey there Bill, no I’m here to take photos for the Daily Post.”
“O yeah, that’s right. Hey look, it’s 9’o clock. I can’t wait to see this!”

[Stalker 103]

What the basic story is is this:
The NSA discovered a Large Mass in space. They sent out a Few Tactical Nukes to destroy it but failed.
The Chunks hit earth decimating most life. There is no nuclear fallout or whatever. There no Mutations. It's just life carrying on after this disaster. It has a Fallout feel going about it but not quite.
I will work on it and will hopefully post the First Chapter soon.

[Takiro]

I'v got the first bit of a story done, one of a wealthy young man who tries to buy his way into European high society, and forget his lowly past for a life in one of Europe's largest homes, but in the process learns all about what money can't buy.

I'll try type it up sometime soon.

[wrathex]

I write short short-science fiction.

I have published the following e-book, though it is not a novel, perhaps it will stimulate you.

http://www.heksie.com/Cyberspace/Shrinking.pdf

[Demikid]

Here's a detective story a little cliched but this is just to practice my skills so tell me where I need work and I'll try again

It started like any other day, the sergeant shouted at me for being late and threatened to fire me, the secretary spat in my luke warm coffee and the whole station sneered when I came into the office. Today wasn’t going to be yet another day you’d rather avoid, I was getting a greenhorn that I was supposed to train to become a detective, he’d probably would get the same treatment as me just because I was training him which isn’t fair but hey that’s life. When the trainee entered the room I could tell he was greener than grass, he was fat and he had a smile on his face which meant he hadn’t seen any type of monstrosities that this business is famous for. The other detectives quickly got to betting how long it would take to until that smile was gone. He went and greeted the secretary and asked who was going to be training him she pointed to me and offered him something with a smile , I had no doubt what it was that she offered him and I had no doubt she’d spit in it as well. He started walking over to me and got tripped by Larry, my most eager “fan” and he simply laughed while the greenhorn apologized for what he thought was his clumsily-ness
“Officer Higgins reporting for duty” he said saluting
“Names Jack and stop saluting this isn’t the army greenhorn”
“Yes sir officer.....”
“Didn’t I just tell you this wasn’t the.... oh, never mind” I sighed this was going to be a long, very long day.
“Well if you and your new friend are done getting acquainted then maybe you can ....... I don’t know do some work.” The captained shouted across the room so everyone could hear him
The captain and I had been friends once or more truthfully he pretended to be my friend so that he could have an opportunity with my wife when I was out of town but then they decided to end the charade by her divorcing me and marrying him.
“There’s a case on 2nd street with your name on it”
Almost all cases on 2nd street were unsolvable so every station would send the worst detective there and in this case me and the recruit
“Come on this case’ll be great if we work together
You really don’t know how long the day was going to be.

[Bonezmann]

It could use some work, especially in the grammar division, but I'll leave that up to the more experienced writers. Tip: before posting your work, paste it in a word document and do a spelling and grammar check (F7). That should sort you out. Also, some of your sentences sound weird, especially that last one, I don't get it. Great effort nonetheless. :)

Here's another story for me, but his seems to be the ending of it. :\

I seem to draw a lot of inspiration from music.


"Don't you see Anya!?" he screams. Immediately she stops shouting, she stops trying to stop him from doing what she had hoped wasn't necessary. She looked at him with tears in her eyes as he stood at the edge, the machine chaotically spinning behind him, soft glows of light beam out from below.

"If I don't do this, all we have done would've been in vain. The resistance, the pain, the countless lives lost! It would've all been for nothing!" he pauses, looking as the moving air flows freely through her dark hair, he white cape fluttering to her side. A tear drops from her face onto the silky white armor she has on.

"But why you?! Why do you always have to be the hero! Why do you..." she shouted, but she was interrupted.

"Because it's my destiny!" He says in a hard tone. "If I don't do this, our dimension as we know it will perish, and you know well what happens when a dimension perishes!" he continues. He walks up to her, raises his arms and puts them on her shoulders. "Hey, it'll be okay. I promise." he says as he wipes a tear off from her face.

She starts crying again, puts her hands on his chest and kisses him one last time. Memories flash through her mind, memories about how they couldn't stand one another at first, memories from when they learned to work together, from when they became friends, and from two days ago, when they both realized how they really felt.

She breaks the kiss. "Well, go be the hero." she says, smiling through the tears. He lets go and step back to the edge, the same place he stood a moment ago, but now she understands why he has to do this.

He waves goodbye one last time, she salutes him, just like the first time they met. She was so duty driven, and now she can't keep the tears from flowing. He lifts up his arms, looks up to the sky and leans backwards. His weight shifts, his body succumbs to gravity. As he falls, his life flashes before his eyes. He remembers his friends, his family, but most of all he remembers Anya.

And so as he fulfills his destiny, he saves the entire dimension one last time.

Well, what do you think?

[ioiiooio]

^There is one sentence that bugs me there:

"A tear drops from her face onto the silky white armour she has on"

Wouldn't

"A tear drops from her face, onto her silky white armour"

suffice? Or something like that...

And personaly I would have used "pearly white", since I can't imagine how armour could be "silky".

buuut, I could be completely wrong. :P

The rest was well written, IMO.

[Bonezmann]

You're right, Thanks. I chose silky coz i just couldn't think of another word, guess i could've used snow as well. . .

[kolle_hond]

I wrote a new poem/song today, tell me what you think


the coin security guard stole my laptop the other day
he refused when we said put the lazer facing this way
he came into the yard while the alarm system was on
and before you could say "eish" my laptop was gone

outsurance just refused to pay
they said "you just insured the old one, the replacement doesn't count hehe"

protea coin wasn't very helpful, the alarm didn't go off
so they tweaked the laser a bit and then they were off

the coin security guard stole my laptop the other day
he just hooked it through the window and ran away
protea coin said :"we don't know the man"
his colleague said:"I didn't see no one"

He dissapeared into the black of the night
laughing as in south africa crime is always right

the police got there 30 minutes later, and he obviously got away
the policeman said "we'll take statements tomorrow, where's a cheap hotel for me and my prostitution suspect to go stay?"

[Bonezmann]

hehe, I quite like that poem. The Outsurance line did break it a bit in terms of rhyming, but then again, the line can be written off as "Poetic art" or something like that. :) (There's a word for that in afrikaans, it's on the tip of my tongue, but I can't remember it atm.)

[kolle_hond]

It might be a bit confusing as it is written but it is supposed to be pronounced heyhey almost like laughing, thanks for the feedback though :D

[Dragon-Ion]

First off, all of you have some skill and I would advise all of you to continue writing. Secondly, those interested in script writing should take a look at the April Script Frenzy, it could be fun. Even novelists should try their hand at it, I intend to. Third, those who didn?t take part in NaNoWriMo last year should enter this year, I know it?s a bit soon to be talking about the end of the year already but still, it helps to plan your story. Then, has anyone heard about worthyofpublishing.com? It?s a site where you can post your novels and where others can read them. The site is great and worth it for most writers. I don?t have any written work worth posting at the moment, and that which is worth posting is like 10 A4 pages long, but I will look for a piece that I think will work and post it ASAP.

[Surge]

Hey guys, some nice pieces there. I don't really want to step on any toes and I am certainly not trying to advertise anything, however after reading about Graals issue (starting a novel then losing interest) and seeing Dragon-Ions' post above, I thought I'd tell you anyway.

My company (that I work for yes) is doing an internet based part-time creative writing course in conjunction with Random House Struik. It costs but I think if you're keen you should have a look at it. PM me if you want details.

Anyway I'm glad this is at least a positive environment for you guys to post your stories in. Now...hopefully I won't get banned :/

[uro]

What should we do with longer pieces? I am in the process of writing a script for a matric project (putting on a play for drama) and I would be interested in some opinions once the first draft is done.

[Bonezmann]

Maybe try posting one scene at a time? I'd really like to see some play-scripts. :)

[kolle_hond]

here's another poem for you guys, not my best work but it's something

how can one heal
a memory away
how can you forget
a scar that's here to stay

was it me who ruined you or you that ruined me
you tore me apart piece by piece until there was no left
your heart grew colder
you crushed me like a boulder

every time i remember i want to kill myself
i'm afraid of the sight of you
living the rest of my life in stealth

the pain grows stronger when i feel
the drugs hold me unreal
i have dug this hole
gonna bury here my soul

your face scares me more than death
i will relive nothing
take a deep breath

[Domanskip]

I just had the urge to start writing a film script. It has no direction as I just sat down and wrote, but it might turn out to be interesting :p

EDIT: Nigh impossible to get a script formatted properly here, best I could do.


FADE IN
EXT. HIVE CEMETERY - DAY

A man hunches over the coffin that holds a close family member. The cemetery is different to what is normally expected: the tomb-stones are metal and have a chrome-like quality. It becomes obvious that we’re in the future.

DR. HUGO MCLAREN (V.O.)
This city breathes and aches like a cancer patient. Sons die before fathers, daughters before mothers. The cruel reality of this city is hidden by a shining facade of clinical modernity.

A loud creaking noise is heard by our protagonist and he turns away from the coffin, looking towards the city of Hive. The camera becomes his eyes and we begin to race away from him in a first-person tour of the City.

DR. HUGO MCLAREN (V.O.) (CONT’D)
It wasn’t always like this though. His fathers death was the end of a twisted miasma. A grief-wrought finale to one of the most iconic events of the 25th century.

Camera slows and looks up towards the pinnacle of a silver needle-like tower. It races up the needle and we have a birds-eye view of the city. It’s pristine and organized with a clinical, almost robotic nature.

DR. HUGO MCLAREN (V.O.) (CONT’D)
This is where it ended. This is where it began. This is.... Hive.

FADE TO BLACK.

EXT. HIVE UNDERCITY - LATE AFTERNOON

The slums of Hive are abuzz with people going about their business. It becomes obvious that we’re in a dirty, low-class part of town by the interaction between a beggar and a young mother on her way home from the shops.
She spits on him as he reaches out for her leg. This is a harsh city with little hope and less joy.

FADE TO:
INT. HIVE UNDERCITY - BAR

We see a young, strong and good-looking male (our protagonist, referred to from now on as ‘X’) sitting at a bar knocking back drinks like its going out of fashion. He looks emotionally wounded and on the verge of an aggressive break out. His companion is an older man with a stoic expression on his face. He isn’t drinking.

DR. HUGO MCLAREN (X’S BODY GUARD)
Calm down, its not the end of the world. Your father will give you another chance.

X
Its not the point Hugo. I cant get a hold of this damned business! He gives me so many chances... This damned city!

[OllieTheDog]

Another extract. Once again, it's not even really in the planning phase yet, so it isn't very good and requires a lot of proof reading and editing. I've decided to continue the novel and see what happens.

As always, comments and criticism are welcome and appreciated.

Wow thats actually not that bad

[kolle_hond]

Anyone here taking part in the april script frenzy? I'm finished with six and a half pages, 93.5 to go.

Edit: 12 done, I'm gonna have to up the pace a bit

[Bonezmann]

Anyone here taking part in the april script frenzy? I'm finished with six and a half pages, 93.5 to go.

Edit: 12 done, I'm gonna have to up the pace a bit

As much as I would like to, I don't have time for writing anymore these days, so I won't. I do have some great ideas for some short films though.

[Sir PaniCore]

****, I've just had to rewrite the last 5 chapters in my book since the events in those chapters basically did nothing for the story and left me in a dead end. Well back to writing....

[kolle_hond]

Has everyone just given up on writing? Seriously, if you have a novel or something too long for the thread, post a link to the pdf, sharing is caring. Now, in the spirit of trying to revive this thread I present to you the origin of my avatar. (sorry to you guys who don't understand Afrikaans, next thing I post will be in English, I promise)

Wanneer ek in die oggend opstaan
en die son skyn deur my venster
hoop ek jy is nog daar
en weet: jy maak my naar

Dis nie dat ek lelik is nie
eks net eerlik as ek staar
na die afskuwelike monster
ja jy weet jy maak my naar

En selfs wanneer ek aan jou dink
en 'n dop in die square drink
moet die barman die blad bewaar
jy maak my naar

En as ek in die straat verby jou stap
moet die ouens wat volg net kyk waar hul trap
my ontbyt loer van die vloer
jy sou sweer dit was nooit gaar
jy maak my naar

En as jy my weer op mxit invite
en ek in jou naam moet vaskyk
ek wil nie sien, ek wil nie hoor
ek gan weer my kos verloor
jy maak my naar

Jy weet dis my pel wat jou smaak
en my aanmoedig om 'n move te maak
mar as ek probeer moet jy net keer
jy gan orals kots gewaar
jy maak my naar

[Rah_Skill]

^ Didn't know this thread existed. I'll post a song I randomly wrote one time.

Take My Pain
I don't want this anymore
I'm dying to live, yet I'm living to die
'cause I keep standing up, just to fall
back into your lies

I'm so busy looking for your goodness within
I can't see the pain crawling beneath my skin
it's just eating away...
I was born to lose, so I'm dying to win
yet my every goodness, turns back to sin
and so I pray

Dear God, take this pain away
I know you're there, and I know you care
but this pain is too much to bear
Dear God, take my pain away
I need to be saved, before my soul breaks
just take my pain away

I dunno where to hold on
though my body hasn't moved, I still feel so lost
I dunno where to hold on
though my body hasn't moved, I still feel so lost

There's no way out, I'm trapped beneath
your lies, and I cannot breathe
I'm suffocating...
my chest begins to heave
I waste all my breath on these screams
but all that comes is silence...

I wipe these tears from my eyes,
God, just give me a sign
Why am I searching this darkness for light...

I dunno where to hold on
though my body hasn't moved, I still feel so lost

God, I pray for you one last time
this cold is too much, I can't go on
cause the only warmth, are the tears in my eyes...

If you like rants, please check my blog (http://fromabrokenmirror.blogspot.com/) out (scroll down a bit, to the half naked girl ;-).. )
It really needs more views (But I haven't updated it in ages. Don't have the time anymore. Exams are almost done so I'll continue from June).

[Demikid]

Just thought this up not as good as I had meant it to be but due to me not writing it earlier I'd forgotten most of what I had planned


In the year 2030, governments have abandoned the research and development of bioweapons after the G18 incident instead they opted for Psychological warfare, end the war before it began they said. The devices used to try and invoke fear or control the population yielded poor results. Governments were considering that there was no other alternative to conventional warfare until Nikolai Makarov - a former military commander fired for his unorthodox tactics and methods - came forward with the idea of the Death Corp an organization that would use special tactics and equipment to scare the enemy into submission and prevent the population from rebelling. The president of each country fearing the negative publicity of having such a group all said no had it not been for the intervention of Andrew Westmont – a wealthy businessman – who then funded the Death Corp. The world’s governments now able to covertly use the newly created PMC, quickly saw the usefulness of their fear-mongering abilities. The Death Corp now a symbol of psychological warfare has grown to centers around the globe and various divisions.
P.S: Just to keep this thread alive we should try to make another story that everyone chips into

[Mic]

Nice.

I wrote something the other day after a head injury. Must have been that swelling that made me want to be creative :P

Might post it later.

[Rah_Skill]

G18 incident?

Did you say G18?!?

OMG I HATE G18s! :(

*rocks in a corner*

[Graal]

I realized that I should stick to the essay and reporting type of writing rather than trying to write fiction. Myabe someday when I've got a bit more life experience I can try my hand at writing novels again. For now, I'm not ready yet.

[Demikid]

G18 incident?

Did you say G18?!?

OMG I HATE G18s! :(

*rocks in a corner*

Thats why I called it that, G18s annoy me so much I thought that would be a good name or should I change it to something else to avoid the tought that the incident was because of some guys with G18s

[Bonezmann]

Sorry for the necropost, but I put together another piece to tie in with this (http://www.nag.co.za/forums/showpost.php?p=238304&postcount=43) one. I suggest you read that one if you haven't done so first.

Any constructive comments and stuff always appreciated. :)


The car came to a screeching halt outside the boundaries of the school?s Rugby field. Hilary jumped out of the car and hurried to the stands where Bridget was busy crying. Hilary didn?t know what she was going to say; she never thought that her daughter would be as delusional as to think there reincarnated forms of ?sins? wanted to destroy a world. She found herself standing in front of Bridget, who now was looking at the bangle that Sprit gave her for protection.

Bridget turned towards her mother, staring angrily at her. ?What are you doing here?? she asked.

?I can ask you the same thing, Bridget.? Hilary replies, knowing that Bridget got grounded until this nonsense stops.

?You know, this is where we talk most of the time? If Sprit doesn?t exist, if he isn?t your brother, then why do I know the things I know?? Bridget asked. She couldn?t see why her mom couldn?t understand that she was telling the truth.

?Honey, my brother has been dead for years. He committed suicide, we went to his funeral. There?s no way he can be alive.? Hilary says, trying to be compassionate. Bridget always had the ability to soften her heart.

?Mom, I?ve seen him. He?s looks like the kid in the photo, I saw him doing the things he did! I fought the sins with him! See this bangle? It?s how I summon Fae!? Bridget shouts, only realizing afterwards she sounded a bit crazy.

?Your imaginary friend?? Hilary asked, raising an eyebrow.

?No mom, she?s a wisp and she?s real!? she continues.

?Honey, please stop this. You?re sounding like you?re?? Hilary tried to calm down her daughter, but got interrupted by the raging teenager now standing up in front of her.

?Crazy? Why won?t you understand? I hate you!? Bridget shouted.

No sooner than shouting ?I hate you?, a pillar of fire rose violently from the ground. Reaching high into the air and scorching all it touches.

Shocked, the mother and daughter looked at it, and then Bridget uttered one word: ?Hate??

Bridget turned from an emotional wreck into something Hilary never saw before. Bravery took the place of her sadness, and courage dried up her tears.

?Stand back, mom.? She said as she took a defensive position between her mom and ?Hate?.

She looked down at her palm; the strange greenish crystal that hung from the bangle by a short golden chain started glowing. ?This is it.? She thought to herself before she raised her arm high into the air, grabbed the green crystal and shouted ?Faye!?

The green crystal started to glow wildly, and from it, came a small green creature. It flew around in a circle before landing on Bridget?s left shoulder. Its dark green skin almost hid the fact that it was wearing a leaf, neatly contouring its four winged female-like body.

At the same time, the pillar of fire calmed down. From it, something like a man without skin appeared. Still burning, it scorched the grass underneath its feet. It spoke.

?Well, well, well, if it isn?t the little school girl and her fairy.? He said in a deep voice, it almost sounded demonic.

?Hate. The last time I saw you, you were nothing but burning bones.? She replied.

?Yes, that?s true little girl, and you had your guardian with you. You were quite lucky.? He said, hungering to kill her.

Hilary sat on the stands, unable to utter a word; she realized that Bridget was telling the truth all along. It was all true, the wisp, the sins? Could that mean that her brother could be alive? Impossible?

Bridget turned her head slightly, capturing a glimpse of her shocked mother, ?See mom? I told the truth all along? she said. ?And after I beat this thing, it?ll all be over? she continues confidently.

The sin let out a laugh, ?Do you honestly think that you and that fairy can beat me by yourselves?? he uttered. Then, his laugh faded, his eyes narrowed and he looked straight at her, ?You even stand the smallest chance little girl. Let?s see what you?ve got!? He shouted, lifting up both his arms. Spirals of what seemed to be dark energy spiraled up his arms, gathering up at the centre of his outstretched palms and forming a frothing ball of darkness.

Bridget knew what was coming, she saw this before. Readying herself, she commanded Faye to attack the centre of his chest, the most vulnerable place at that moment. As Faye shot from her shoulder straight at Hate?s chest, Bridget caught a quick glimpse of what seemed to be a smile before he opened his mouth wide. Dark energy came rushing from his mouth like smoke from a chimney, then a pitch black arm shot from it and grabbed Faye without struggle. The sin laughed at the feeble attempt to kill it and crushed Faye, sending sparks of green energy into the air.

?Faye! No!? Bridget shouted. Her confident face fell into sadness, the courage in her heart faded to fear as the dark hand, that just crushed Faye, came speeding towards her. She threw both her arms up and quickly a shield appeared in front of her. The dark fist hit the shield with force unlike she ever felt before, shattering her defense and sent her flying into the stands, right next to her mom.

The sin burst out in laughter yet again, and with a grin on its face said ?I told you didn?t have what it takes to kill me. You know very well that I just can?t be beaten to a pulp anymore. Now, your inexperience and childishness will be the cause of you and your mother?s death!? He lowered both his arms to the same level as his chest, the frothing ball of darkness boiling and twisting in front of him, screams of hate and anger echoed from within.

All Bridget could do now was to wait for her death as the sin got ready to end both of their lives. She hugged her mom as tightly as she possibly could, and closed her eyes, waiting for Hate to finish the job.

Hate took aim, and launched the ball of dark energy towards his victims. Bridget could hear the wailing sounds that came from the energy ball draw closer. Just as the screams from within the energy ball became unbearable, a loud crashing sound echoed through the late afternoon air.

Bridget and Hilary opened their eyes. Hate was still standing in front of them, they were both still alive and the energy ball Hate threw had disappeared. Hilary looked around and saw a body lying motionless at the far end of the stands, she couldn?t tell who or what it was as it was emitting a white light which was busy fading. The she remembered what Bridget said, about her brother, his powers and how he glowed as white as snow when using them.

?David!? she shouted. She jumped up, ran to Sprit and sat down next to him as the last bit of light faded from his wrangled body. She turned his face towards her as she placed it on her lap, looking at her little brother who never aged one day. His eyes slowly opened and he found his sister staring at him, tears rolling down her cheeks.

He smiled, ?Hello sis.? he said before coughing; a little blood shot from his mouth and ran down the side of his chin, then his eyes went blank and his body went numb as he let out his last breath. Hilary burst out in tears as she hugged the lifeless body that used to be her little brother. His body started glowing again; the light it emitted flew straight towards hate. It spiraled around him, it started consuming him. Violent screams of pain sounded through the air until he was completely withered away by the light.

Sprit?s body completely disappeared as the light faded yet again, only a white crystal remained in her palm. Bridget joined her mother, who was crying softly.

?Are you okay, mom?? she asked.

Hilary kept staring at the crystal in her hand, ?I didn?t believe you, you told me the truth all along and I didn?t believe you?? she said.

?Its okay mom, I did sound a bit crazy.? Bridget replied

?If I trusted you, none of this would?ve happened. ? Hilary said, crying even more as she clutched the crystal.

?It was the only way to defeat Hate. In order to destroy Hate, you have to sacrifice yourself in an act of love. Sprit must have realized this; he did what he had to in order to save us all. He died for the greater good.? She said as tears came rolling down the side of her face too.

?Come on.? Bridget continued, ?Let?s go and put this crystal in a safe place he would?ve liked.? She said as she helped her mother up. They continued down the stands and walked to the car as the sun set behind them.

[Obi Two Kenobi]

That was very nice Bonezmann. I liked it. One thing which would be awesome is if you could bring out the emotions/atmosphere a bit more, add more detail and make it more engrossing.

[Bonezmann]

I'll take a look at it and add some more stuff. Will repost when done. :)

[Obi Two Kenobi]

Sorry for the necro but I need some help..

I'm busy writing a short novel that includes the invasion of Taiwan (and other countries) by China and possibly North Korea (yeah like a single faction). Now I need some ideas as to how the invasions could have been avoided completely, what could have been done. I'm open for any scale or means of this happening, be it political, diplomatic, threats, whatever BUT this must lead to (more or less) complete world order. This means the faction should be put off by any possible future invasion.

Any ideas will be greatly appreciated.

[Azimuth]

Unicorns.

[onona]

Dinosaurs.

[OllieTheDog]

Dragons!
Ninjas!
Robots!

[Obi Two Kenobi]

Sigh :(

[dammit]

Er, something to do with trade? New crop developments...Irunno. It's 11pm and that's all I've got.

[Kharrak]

Oi!

Azimuth, Onona.Proper contribution, please. You two seem well read and education, I would think you two could provide some interesting suggestions. Hell, you could even have run with your Unicorn/Dinosaur idea, and explained it in more depth - would have contributed, at least.

Ollie, don't take their actions as a green light to jovially follow suit.

Obi Two Kenobi, could you explain in more detail what you're looking for? What genre? How down to earth? Light hearted? Gritty and grim? Contemporary? Future? Past?

How "realistic" do you want it? Can it be "silly"? Or does it have to be "realistic"?

[Sir PaniCore]

Sorry for the necro but I need some help..

I'm busy writing a short novel that includes the invasion of Taiwan (and other countries) by China and possibly North Korea (yeah like a single faction). Now I need some ideas as to how the invasions could have been avoided completely, what could have been done. I'm open for any scale or means of this happening, be it political, diplomatic, threats, whatever BUT this must lead to (more or less) complete world order. This means the faction should be put off by any possible future invasion.

Any ideas will be greatly appreciated.

You're basically asking us to give you the Entire plot twist!?!?

I'm sorry but thats the writers responsibilty, if it was something tivial like character names or something then yes we could help but something as integral as what you are asking should be thought out and created by you.

[Azimuth]

ARE YOU DISSING THE HEALING POWER OF UNICORNS?

[Kharrak]

I don't see it that way. Writers, and craftsmen/women in any narrative based media, often need creative help, regardless of its importance. Hell, often they need the most help with the important bits.

Not to mention, what he's asking for isn't necessarily "the" plot twist. It could be something that's stated at the beginning of the novel. It could be something that's casually revealed. To be perfectly frank, it's up to the writer to decide what's a plot twist, or rather, what he needs help on.

Stating that it's his responsibility to work on his writing by himself, when he's asking for creative help, is... not becoming of you.


ARE YOU DISSING THE HEALING POWER OF UNICORNS?
HOW CAN I DISS IT WHEN YOU HAVEN'T WRITTEN ABOUT IT

Write about it.

[Azimuth]

An apocalyptic pall of smoke hung over the city, flames licking the buckled girders of ruined office blocks as sooty children clambered through the rubble, weeping in desperate terror. A small heap of dusty noodles, half a tempura prawn, and a lone, charred chopstick in the shell-shocked street bore bleak, tragic testament to the placid mundanity of Before.

Lao Han stood in stricken silence, his blood- and tear-streaked face turned to an implacable sky. Just then, a beautiful unicorn descended from the clouds, ****ting rainbows and stardust. "Fear not, Lao Han," whinnied the unicorn. "My name is Care. I bring love and peace and healing to this shattered realm."

The unicorn waved a glittered hoof, and before Lao Han's very eyes, the city was transformed into a magical kingdom, and everybody was filled with love, peace, and healing. They were nice to each other for the rest of days.

The End

[Sir PaniCore]

An apocalyptic pall of smoke hung over the city, flames licking the buckled girders of ruined office blocks as sooty children clambered through the rubble, weeping in desperate terror. A small heap of dusty noodles, half a tempura prawn, and a lone, charred chopstick in the shell-shocked street bore bleak, tragic testament to the placid mundanity of Before.

Lao Han stood in stricken silence, his blood- and tear-streaked face turned to an implacable sky. Just then, a beautiful unicorn descended from the clouds, ****ting rainbows and stardust. "Fear not, Lao Han," whinnied the unicorn. "My name is Care. I bring love and peace and healing to this shattered realm."

The unicorn waved a glittered hoof, and before Lao Han's very eyes, the city was transformed into a magical kingdom, and everybody was filled with love, peace, and healing. They were nice to each other for the rest of days.

The End

I think it would be cooler if the Unicorn named care was the one who rained bloody murder upon the world and caused the apocalypse.Then both countries unite to try and destroy the adorable menace.


I don't see it that way. Writers, and craftsmen/women in any narrative based media, often need creative help, regardless of its importance. Hell, often they need the most help with the important bits.

Not to mention, what he's asking for isn't necessarily "the" plot twist. It could be something that's stated at the beginning of the novel. It could be something that's casually revealed. To be perfectly frank, it's up to the writer to decide what's a plot twist, or rather, what he needs help on.

Stating that it's his responsibility to work on his writing by himself, when he's asking for creative help, is... not becoming of you.

Yes, having help is fine, I mean just the other day I had Bonzmann proof read the first 48 pages of my new novel (its currenlly on 64 now :P). However what Obi 2 kenobi is asking for is not "Help" what he is asking for is for someone to give him what looks to be an integral part of his story. "Help" would be if he put forth an Idea and asked us of our opinions and what he could do to make it better, what Obi 2 kenobi is asking is for someone else to come up with the idea and for him to review it, which is quite backwards. This shows me that perhaps he has not given this novel too much thought and perhaps did not plan it too extensively.

I would be happy to help if he put forth an Idea then I would give my opinion of it and some advice, however when it comes to the story itself it is the writers responsibilty to plan and create.

[Kharrak]

As invigorating as it is, you have misread the brief. Your scenario takes place after the invasion, and acts as a rectification. The brief asks for a scenario which acts as a preceding prevention. Now war, no calamity, nor any motions to do so, must place. Any potential desire that the invader faction ever has to invade must be waylaid.

[Azimuth]

An apocalyptic pall of smoke hung over the city, flames licking the buckled girders of ruined office blocks as sooty children clambered through the rubble, weeping in desperate terror. A small heap of dusty noodles, half a tempura prawn, and a lone, charred chopstick in the shell-shocked street bore bleak, tragic testament to the placid mundanity of Before.

Lao Han stood in stricken silence, his blood- and tear-streaked face turned to an implacable sky. Just then Once upon a time, a beautiful unicorn descended from the clouds, ****ting rainbows and stardust. "Fear not Ohai, Lao Han," whinnied the unicorn. "My name is Care. I bring love and peace and healing to this shattered realm before anything bad can happen to it."

The unicorn waved a glittered hoof, and before Lao Han's very eyes, the city was transformed into a magical kingdom, and everybody was filled with love, peace, and healing. They were nice to each other for the rest of days, and nobody ever invaded anybody else.

The End

[Obi Two Kenobi]

Okay um let me give some more info and stuffs.

Fact: Ever since 1949, when Nationalist forces retreated to Taiwan following the Communist victory in the Chinese Civil War, Beijing has regarded the island as a renegade province of the People's Republic of China.

Now in the novel (sorry I'm actually still in the planning phase), China invades Taiwan and this leads to the US stepping in. The USS Nimitz is the nearest aircraft carrier (it is at Okinawa) and can take quick action by sending aircraft to Taiwan, meeting the Chinese planes. The Chinese have obviously foreseen all of this and destroys the Nimitz before it can launch its aircraft.

This then escalates to the US declaring war on China. China has an um 'silent partner', the North Koreans which at this time invades the the US (surprise surprise). Escalation, escalation and in no time the Third World War is in full swing. The war leads to major destruction of habitable areas on earth and oil is used more rapidly than ever.

Now. I'm not going to give half the plot away but a group of time travelers have gone back to 1765 (not sure about that date yet) and has the responsibility to prevent this war which has lead to major destruction as I've already said.

So that is what I need, a way to prevent this war.. Unicorns and Dinosaurs are extinct so they won't fit into the plot I suppose.

@ Panicore. I have a few ideas but I need some more interesting stuff that I might not think of entirely.. Two (or more) minds are better than one :)

[dammit]

Assassination of the grandfathers/mothers of the people who run china. Problem solved. And, of course, new course for future.

[Obi Two Kenobi]

Assassination of the grandfathers/mothers of the people who run china. Problem solved. And, of course, new course for future.

Won't this just lead to other people, with the same agendas, taking the dead ones' places?

[Kharrak]

Well... let's try this.

World War 3 happens. Guys, I'm going to call them "Nautilus", go back in time. Begin a shadow company that begins to tug at political strings, in order to steer the reigns of the future (history) into a different direction. Grows from passive nudges, to active and aggressive invasive measures over the years. Begin planting the seeds of a future smear campaign against the political organisations, I'll call them "Taucher", that are responsible for inciting the war, hoping to breed public awareness in the years leading up to the war. Active sabotage against said organisations increases over years.

As the Nautilus grows, the amount of control they have increases, and the amount of power they have to juggle increases as well. Eventually, grains of sand start to slip between the fingers, growing into a torrent, and eventually an avalanche of events are spiraling out of the control of Nautilus. Strings of their own shadow organisation snap, and the weight of juggling political power crashed down onto the political world. Long story short, the political instability leads to the war itself.

The smear campaign Nautilus ran against Taucher leads those in the future to believe that Taucher is responsible for the war, and that the political instability that came about during the time was due to Taucher trying to retain control in spite of the rising public and political views against it (due to the smear campaign).

Taucher was, in truth, putting forward political agendas that would ease relations between China and Taiwan, working towards reaching a political neutral ground between the two parties. Ultimately, the war would have been avoided, if Nautilus had never gone back in time to prevent it.

Realizing this, having lost any means of control as events spiral chaotically, and knowing what's to come, Nautilus salvage what's left of their resources, hunker down. They slowly build the foundations of an organisation that looks to hamper, prevent, and sabotage the future motion to send people back in time, through means both subversive and drastic.

[dammit]

You're assuming all people think the same, then :P

[Azimuth]

Introduce a virus that sterilises everybody in China.

[Kharrak]

Introduce a virus that sterilises everybody in China.
Wouldn't that just devolve the country into a violent mob, where relations against other countries become violently aggressive?

[Azimuth]

Introduce a virus that kills everybody in China.

[Sir PaniCore]

... The reapers from mass effect destroy china...

[Octavianus]

How about you have a look-alike competition based on a photo of a random Chinese guy, claiming the government will pay out one million yuan to the winner. The winner would just have to go and collect the money from the president's private residence.
Seeing as everybody will win, the president's house will soon be overrun, the government overthrown by disgruntled doppelgangers, and China defeated.

[dammit]

Become the hero that albion needs...

[Sir PaniCore]

Or the evil bastard that albion detests...

[Obi Two Kenobi]

http://i458.photobucket.com/albums/qq302/sirmalan/ThreadDirection.jpg


Trolls have overrun the thread yes, but let's just close the discussion at least, don't lock it. Don't need anymore help at this stage.