Share some Jokes

[Rebbo_Reformed]

Hey everybody, why don't we all just sit down and share some jokes of ours. I have a few funny ones.

A boy went to school and keeps getting F's in Maths. So his mother, being very dissapointed sends him to a Catholic school. The first day, he comes home and without so much as greeting his mother he goes to his room and starts studying. When the first report card comes, his mother is happy to find out he got an A+ in Maths. His mother asked,
"What was it that improved your grades, the nuns, the religious background."
"No," her son answers, "When I saw the man nailed to the cross I knew they were serious!"

One more,

A bear was chasing a rabbit and they both fell in a hole and there was a fairy who was willing to grant each of them three wishes. The bear wishes that the next bear that he came across would be female. The rabbit wished for a motorcycle. The bear wishes that all the bears in the forest were female. The rabbit wished for a helmet. The bear was puzzled at the rabbits wishes but wished that all the bears in the world were female. The rabbit wished that all the bears in the world were gay, then rode away on the motorcycle.

[DaBaish]

Heehee, nice ones Rebbo!

I got a joke for ya!

"Uncle Ted's Morals

Billy's homework assignment is to think of a true story with a moral so he goes home and thinks about it all night and finally has one.
The following day, Suzy raises her hand first and says, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Next is Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched. The moral is, don't count your chicks before they are hatched.''

Billy is last to speak. He says, ''My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with only a parachute, a bottle of bourbon, a machine gun, and a machete. As he floated down he drank the bottle of bourbon. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands.''

The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Billy replies, "Don't f*** with my Uncle Ted when he's been drinking.''

[wisp]

just to raise the tone a little bit



This week we celebrate a special birthday: Monica Lewinsky turned 31.
Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House
on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, don't they?

[wisp]

Combat for Dummies

Advice and instructions taken from actual military sources. Some of these guys must have had a sense of humor

"Aim towards the enemy."
--Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
--U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
--USAF Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
--Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your m203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
--Army's magazine of prevention maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
--U.S. Air Force manual

"Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo."
--Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways."
--U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
--Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
--David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
--Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
--Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper....once."
--Anon

"Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do."
--Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
--Infantry Journal

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
--USAF Ammo Troop

Submitted by Lt Schmidt

[Chevron]

Why can't you eat soup in the matrix?

Because there is no spoon.

[wisp]

RETIREMENT

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men?s Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,
Jim

[Chevron]

That Jim is a really cool guy. :)

[wisp]

________________________________________
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass.'" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, Hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

?????????????????????????????????????????????????? ????????????????????????

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School, usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret,

"Who is our Lord and Savior?" But Mary didn't stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back
asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted...........

?????????????????????????????????????????????????? ????????????????????????

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework
And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.

?????????????????????????????????????????????????? ????????????????????????

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.

The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.

The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"

At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"

?????????????????????????????????????????????????? ????????????????????????

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance .. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week That's about 60 bucks a Month and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up With something that Bruce won't have an answer to.

After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little **** is adorable!

?????????????????????????????????????????????????? ????????????????????????

A little boy was doing his math homework.

He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.
?????????????????????????????????????????????????? ????????????????????????

A Mom is driving her little girl to a friend?s house for a play date. Mommy, the little girl asks, how old are you?

Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, the mother warns. It is not polite.

Ok, the little girl says. How much do you weigh?

Now really, the mother says, these are personal questions, and really none of your business.

Undaunted, the little girl asks, Why did you and daddy get a divorce?

That is enough questions, honestly! The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
My Mom wouldn?t tell me anything, the little girl says to her friend.

Well, said the friend, all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card it has everything on it. Later that night, the little girl says to her mother, I know how old you are. You are 32.

The mother is surprised and asks, How did you find that out?

I also know that you weigh 140 pounds. The mother is past surprise and shocked now.

How in heaven?s name did you find that out?

And, the little girl says triumphantly, I know why you and daddy got a divorce.

Oh really? the mother asks. And why?s that?

Because you got an F in sex.

?????????????????????????????????????????????????? ????????????????????????

[Miktar]

<Duskmon> It must have blown to be one of the first outsiders to convert to Christianity.

<Duskmon> Like, you're reading through the Bible for the first time, and then a bunch of Hebrews burst into your Church shouting "CAIN KILLS ABEL IN GENESIS FOUR VERSE EIGHT!"

[Gldm]

So a teacher is giving a class on etiquette and she says to the boys in the class "Let's say you're dining at a restaurant with a female companion and you need to urinate. What is the proper way to excuse yourself to go to the washroom?"

First she calls on Tommy. He says "Umm... I need to go to the bathroom." The teacher says "That's ok but not really that elegant." Next she calls on Johnny, who says "Please excuse me, I need to use the toilet." She says "That was a bit better, but the word toilet is a bit crude." Finally she calls on Johnny.

Johnny thinks for a minute, and says "Please excuse me, I've just noticed an old friend I need to go shake hands with, whom I'm very much hoping to introduce you to after dinner tonight." The teacher faints.

[ShadowMaster]

I've posted this before, but it is just so funny.

The Borg versus Microsoft
"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript.


Picard "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

Geordi "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

Riker looks puzzled. "What in the world is 'Microsoft'?"

Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

Picard "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

Data "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

Picard "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

Fifteen minutes later . . .

Data "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85&#37; of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."

Geordi "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

Picard "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."

Data "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently, the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

Riker "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

Geordi, excited "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"

Picard "Data, what do your scanners show?"

Data "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

Picard "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

Two hours pass . . .

Riker "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"

Geordi "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have set up, our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

Picard "How much time will that buy us ?"

Data "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."

Geordi "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

Picard "Identify."

Data "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"

Over the speakers:
"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"

Data "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

Picard "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"

Riker "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!"

Data "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer, I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"

Riker and Picard together horrified "Lawyers !!"

Geordi "It can't be. All the lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

Data "True, but apparently some must have survived."

Riker "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."

Data "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape'. I understand that it often proves fatal."

Riker "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"

Picard "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that!"

[Kensei]

Brilliant, Shadow Master :D

Some of my favourite Bash.org quotes:

<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks?
<TheXPhial> vaccuums
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks in a metaphorical sense?
<TheXPhial> black holes
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what just isn't cool?
<TheXPhial> lava?

------------

<studdud> what the **** is wtf

--------------
<classyhorse23> I had to google "jfgi" to see what it meant. The irony is overwhelming.
----------
< robT> Name ONE thing that your windows comp can do that my MAC cant
< bawss> Right click.

[ShadowMaster]

< robT> Name ONE thing that your windows comp can do that my MAC cant
< bawss> Right click.

Luckly for the mac users :hiss: this isn't true anymore, but lol still.

[Rebbo_Reformed]

Keep the jokes coming everyone they are brilliant!
My favourite comedy site is www.funny.co.uk

[Paradox]

21 things that make Star Wars better than the Titanic (Movie):

1. The Titanic is big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive.

2. Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water.

3. Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material; Rose is just marriage bait.

4. Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.

5. When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge can't say, "Look at the size of that thing!" and really mean it.

6. It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving madman with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun.

7. Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to Admiral.

8. Said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral manages NOT to lose his ship.

9. We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he strangles people and blows up planets for fun.

10. Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing?

11. Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hutt.

12. There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars .

13. Do you know what the Empire does to self-proclaimed "kings of the world?"

14. If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would use the Force to get the key.

15. Nothing has the same sting as "I'd rather kiss a Wookie."

16. Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes.

17. Han Solo would've steered clear of that stinkin' iceberg!

18. We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who could've anticipated, "Luke....I am your father."?

19. Stormtroopers blast big holes in stupid minor characters; everyone in Titanic was a stupid minor character.

20. When Star Wars was proclaimed coolest movie of all time by half of planet earth, George Lucas did not make a dork of himself at the Oscars.

21. Titanic morals:
a. gamble,
b. cheat on your husband,
c. pose nude for pictures,
d. premarital sex is OK if you're infatuated.

Star Wars morals:
a. fight evil,
b. do good,
c. respect all life even if it's ugly and slithers,
d. rescue princess,
e. save planet.

[Chevron]

That post was made of win. :)

[L-Dog]

Q: Wana hear a joke?

A: Women's rights

[Chevron]

Why are women drivers like broken pencils?
They are both pointless.

Plz don't flame me. L-dog started it.

[L-Dog]

OK my bad...

Q: What do you call a tick on a gate?

A: Hektick

[Chevron]

lol. Afringlish jokes ftw.

What do you call 4 guys in matchbox?
Vier oukies.

[wisp]

How to make your own Jerry Springer Show Tut

The Jerry Springer Show : Episode 627 : "Marriage Meltdown!"
________________________________________
[The crowd starts chanting "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"]
Jerry: Tonight on "The Jerry Springer Show" we have a particularly interesting episode! null is here to finally confess something to a long-time friend, null. So everyone, please put your hands together for null!
[The crowd whoops and hollers]
Jerry: Okay, now null you're here to talk about someone aren't you?
You: Yes.
Jerry: And what is this other person's name?
You: null.
[The crowd squeals with delight]
Jerry: Okay, okay, well null, is actually here tonight ...
[The crowd squeals]
Jerry: But first we have a surprise for you null, because as it happens there is someone else here to see you! So let's bring out ... null!
You: What the HELL!!!
[Out of nowhere you pull out a null. null reaches for the null. Out of the shadows null appears]
null: Wait everybody, wait!
Jerry: Yes, everybody let's just calm down for a moment here. First, tell us why you're here null.
null: Because I saw null and null making out at null!
[The crowd goes absolutely insane]
null: That's a lie! I was home watching null!
Jerry: [raising his hands] Hold on, hold on, I'm missing the problem here ... what exactly is the problem null?
null: Because I've recently been taking part in a sexual relationship with null who has recently become engaged to null.
[The crowd hollers, screams and whoops in an orchestra of orgasmic excitement]
Jerry: Okay, okay. Well why don't we bring null out here because null had something that they needed to tell them anyway about ... null that's right!
null: [enters onto stage and saunters over towards you] What's the deal? I saw you outside getting it on with null! You know how I feel about null!
null: [screams] What? Why the hell did you ask me to marry you if you're in love with null!
null: Because I knew that I could never have null. But null promised me that they'd never hook up out of respect for my feelings!
null: What about respect for my feelings!
[null walks suddenly across the stage, embracing null]
null: Don't worry baby, you don't need any of them now that you have me.
[Again the crowd squeals]
null: Oh my God! Are you sick!?
[null runs across the room and wraps their arms around you tightly]
null: null take me away from all of this!
You: You see? That's the thing ... I'm ... well, I'm married ...
[The crowd does its bit]
null: Married?
[You nod]
null: Who the hell are you married to? When .. when did this happen? I don't understand!
You: The other day. In Vegas. I'm married to null.
null: [screaming] WHAT!!!
Jerry: [grinning widely, makes an enquiry] So ... did you have a nice wedding night?
null: [stepping back out onto center stage] Well we had sex null times if that's what you mean.
[The crowd squeals]
Jerry: Okay, okay. So let me get this all straight .. null is married to null who null has secretly been in love with for years and years. Now null has recently become engaged to null who was recently spotted kissing null in null. Now on top of this, null has just admitted to being in a sexual relationship with null.
null: That's right Jerry.
Jerry: [looking sternly into the camera] It's times like these that one has to wonder whether or not these people are aware that they are quite clinically insane. Perhaps we should be spending more on psychiatric health funds in this country, perhaps we should just ban Vegas to cut down on impulse marriages. Perhaps I should get a new job. Thanks for watching folks - it's been great - but for now, take care of yourselves ... and each other.
[Cue cheesy background music and fade to black]

[Rebbo Reformed]

What do you call it when Uncle John eats beans?
A stankin' MC for everybody!

Okay that joke might is an inside joke, because Uncle John is really good at public speaking.

Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he ate the chicken and the chicken was still alive and crossed to road from inside.

[Chevron]

Your jokes are almost as stupid as you are.

[Magon]

Welsh man walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a
pool with his hand.
The Welsh man shouts
"Paid a yfed y dwr mae'r gwartheg yn cachi yn y dwr"
(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow sh*t.)
The man shouts back
"I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you".
The Welsh man shouts back
"Use both hands, you'll get more in

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them
that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing
things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV,
the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen" he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she
asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it
down because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd
better write it down!" she retorts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got
it,
for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands
his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath
he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis" !

[.dB]

Your jokes are almost as stupid as you are.
How do I spotted obvious troll?

[Darkmag]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping, and pitch their tent under the stars. During the night, Holmes wakes his companion and says: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."

Watson says: "I see millions of stars, and even if a few of those have planets, its quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life. What about you?"

Holmes replies: "Elementry my dear Watson, our tent has been stolen.