10. Mac Fans
Macintosh computers are the popular kids of the computing industry. They are shiny, pretty, never get sick, and all generally look the same. For those with the money and with little computing ability they are great computers. The average Mac fan on the other hand is quite the opposite. They are the arm chair liberals, dirty stinking hippies, you know the type. The white kid with dreads, the hippie girl with a trust fund, your average coffee shop customer who loves to type in public over the latest latte flavor. These people are so annoying and only bought their computer because it fits into their pre-determined self image. When asked why they love to recite the TV commercials; ?Oh they are so intuitive? or the ever popular ?They never get viruses.? There are plenty of reasons to use a Macintosh; the proprietary hardware and software guarantees, better integration between the two, faster graphic computing ability, and simple one version OS to name a few. But that?s not why these annoying people buy them, they just love their pretty little shiny thing and love to tell people about their self righteous purchase.
9. Star Trek Fans
Star Trek is a great show, it has good plot lines based on intelligent problem solving, and it also has terrible fans. They are the bullies of the nerd world. They have their own conventions, their own languages, and they don?t like anybody else liking the thing that they love. In fact when the show Babylon 5 came out Star Trek fans were so incensed that someone would create another science fiction series that they began to attack the creator of the series. In one such event a virus was sent to him disguised as his a drawing from his toddler son. The virus destroyed his hard drive and left behind a Easter Egg claiming ?Star Trek Rules?. When Next Generation came out fans were also angered that someone other than Kirk was allowed to command the Enterprise. Star Trek fans live behind this ?how dare you? attitude that prevents anyone from doing anything that changes the status quo of the Star Trek universe. If they had it their way the only series ever would have been the original one, the only captain ever would have been Kirk, and nobody who doesn?t already speak Klingon would be allowed to watch the show. In fact most of the show would be in Klingon. Once again the fans of the show ruin the show. The only revenge us normals have on them is the new movie which was geniusly directed by JJ Abrams. I almost jumped out of my seat when watching Vulcan explode. No revenge could be sweater on the obsessive Star Trek fan then making the thing that they love a popular summer block buster. I mean who would have ever expected that Spock and Uhura would have a secret romance brewing. Yes the Star Trek fan is a terrible person but now that Star Trek is hip and Vulcan is destroyed perhaps their days will be numbered.
8. Heavy Metal Fans
Heavy metal fans are a lot like hardcore gamers. In fact if you drew a Venn diagram of hardcore gamers and heavy metal fans they would intersect quite a bit. Where some people drowned their sorrows in their parent?s basement by playing video games, some go out to heavy metal shows, dressed in the stereotypical all black, and mosh or headbang. When you think about moshing, its just a bunch of guys rubbing on each other, which, if you think about it, is kind of gay. Just like the hardcore gamer there are very few girls at these events, as most girls don?t like heavy metal. This further frustrates the heavy metal fan and leads to further violence amongst them. The heavy metal fan also likes to claim that they are railing against the life of the common man, the average, or the normal people. They do this by dressing exactly the same, wearing the same color, growing their hair long, and doing whatever they can to become indistinguishable from the next fan. This little contradiction never cross the heavy metal fan?s mind. Sadly, we here at OW love a number of heavy metal bands and have been to a number of heavy metal shows. Oddly enough we dressed in our typical jeans and a t-shirt where the most unique people at the show. One time I had to go straight from work which had me where a white polo. For those who don?t know white is the only color that can physically harm the heavy metal fan. Anyway I got a lot of bad looks at that show.
7. Pokemon Fans
pokemon-fanboyAnyone worth their salt knows that these games were just one gigantic marketing campaign aimed at loosening the wallets of parents with young kids. We here at OW love Nintendo, but these ?games? are so stupid even we can?t support them. Each game is exactly the same and named after a different color, mineral, or gem. What?s worse is that the kids who loved Pokemon when they were young have now grown up and the brainwashing hasn?t worn off with time. They still swear up and down that these games are the greatest things ever and some even dare to refer to them as RPG?s. None of them have the ability to see that somewhere in Japan a marketing team came up with the most brilliant sales pitch ever. ?Gotta catch em? all.? And believe me they did. The caught all the games, all the action figures, all the playing cards, the t-shirts, the shoes, and just about anything else they could get their grubby, brainwashed hands on. None of them realize that each game is the exact same thing, that the cartoons, action figures, stuffed animals, and playing card game were all released at the same time. None of them realize that the simple catch phrases, bright colors, repetitive plot lines, and simple stories where only aimed at furthering their addiction. Nope they are all so stupid, so brainwashed, and so young they can?t see beyond the perfectly aimed marketing that they still, to this day think that pokemon was just a good game.
6. Dave Matthews Fans
dave-matthews-band-frat-boysHave you ever been to a Frat party? How do you feel about Birkenstocks? Backwards hats with curved brims? Greek letters? Chugging terrible beer? Keg stands? If the answer to each of these questions is resoundingly positive, then you may be fan of the Dave Matthews Band. What is more interesting is that DMB is actually a talented band, with a world renowned drummer, bassist, and saxophone player. Oh they also have this gigantic dude that plays violin. I don?t know if he is any good, and I don?t want to be the guy who tells him otherwise. In any case we here at OW generally like this band but boy do we hate the fans. They are either insanely obsessed or drunks looking for a party. Or sometimes both. We have even heard of DMB fans who will only listen to DMB because they claim nothing else is even worth it. Further research has even shown that there is an on going feud between DMB fans and Blink 182 fans. Why is completely beyond us. Going to a DMB show is like watching every jock, frat boy, and sorority slut get so hammered they forget they were even at the show. But don?t worry they have pictures on facebook to prove they were there.
5. Star Wars Fans
star-wars-fansSome people worship God, others Allah, and others the dark lord himself. Star Wars fans, on the other hand, worship only George Lucas and accept everything he does as infallible perfection. The only movie that Lucas hasn?t ruined is his first original creation American Graffiti. And believe me if he could find a market for greaser action figures, the stores would already be packed. No Star Wars was ruined with twice for us at OW, first with the stupid remakes that added all sorts of crazy computer graphics in the background, and secondly with the prequels. We here at OW haven?t been able to watch anything Star Wars since viewing those tragedies. Yet the average Star Wars fan doesn?t see anything wrong with anything George Lucas does, in fact, they lap it up. ?Hey look, he added Boba Fett into the scene even though he doesn?t need to be there and it really doesn?t make sense that he is there.? Not only do Star Wars fans love these terrible creations, they will also buy anything with the Star Wars logo on it. This includes; action figures, t-shirts, cups, costumes, shoes, curtains, underwear, soda cans, comic books, novels, pens, shoe laces, posters, fire places, pillows, dehumidifiers, carpets, coffee tables, no I?m not just naming things I see in my living room, and the list goes on and on and on and on. The worst thing about Star Wars fans is that they are the ones that ruined the thing they claim to love. Because they never held Lucas up to any type of scrutiny he has been able to roam free doing anything he wants ruining people?s childhoods and making money hand over fist while he does it. Star Wars fans are the mindless sycophants of the science fiction world and they have ruined the creation that they hold so dear.
4. Hulk Fans
In the world of comic books, there is no one more annoying fan than the Hulk fanboy. Don?t get me wrong, there?s nothing wrong with Hulk. He?s a great character within his somewhat narrow boundaries, and when written properly he serves as a brilliant bridge into explorations of how the mind works and how we determine our basic humanity. The problem is the fans who want to make Hulk into something he?s not. No, he couldn?t really beat Superman, and that isn?t a bad thing. He has so much more going for him than the Man of Steel as a character, though. Unfortunately his full potential is never realized, as most writers use him as a big monster, going on mindless rampages until the real heroes take him down. This is the reason most Hulk fans are about as dumb as he is. The worst Hulk writing tries to bring him down to that level: just a big angry strong brick, with no complexity or torment, basically just a walking power set ready to smash anything in his way. Hulk fans believe he can defeat anyone if he gets angry enough, I have even seen a thread on a forum where someone actually posted that the Hulk can return from being erased from reality by punching back into reality. I recall another Hulk fans even saying that the Hulk could defeat Galactus if he gets angry enough! It is the biased stupidity of Hulk fans that I hate. Its really the fact that both the Hulk and the Hulk?s fans think he?s unbeatable even though that is clearly not the case. I don?t even mind delusional people as long as they aren?t trying to cram their delusions down my throat, and Hulk fans are notorious for this.
3. WoW Fans
southpark_wow1I?m really not sure what I could say about World of Warcraft fans that South Park hasn?t already. They love this game as much as? say a crack head would love crack. They live, eat, and breath this game, and then inside the game they live eat and breath. In the real world the are generally disgusting slobs, far from the actors portraying them in the commercials. Are we to truly believe that playing World of Warcraft will make us as cool as William Shatner or that Shatner, with a very busy acting schedule would have time to play this game. When you hear about someone who started playing this game the inevitable reaction is ?Oh, that sucks? as the realization sets in that you will never see that person again. When you hear of someone quitting the inevitable reactions is ?Really! I?m glad to hear he?s getting his life back in order.? At a recent staff meeting, after the customary feats of strength and tale telling, we decided that OW is going to open the first ever WoW rehabilitation center. All of the chairs will be extra big, the couches will have extra springs, and there will be no junk food, no TV, and certainly no internet access. We?ve decided that we can cure you in about six weeks at the nominal fee of $1000/week plus the cost of food. We may like to make fun of these people but were also happy to fix them?for a fee.
2. Phish Fans
PHISH CONCERTWhat?s the difference between a DMB fan and a Phish fan? Drug use. Your average DMB fan drinks a lot of beer, smokes some weed, and depending on how rich and white they are, do a little coke. Your average Phish fan is on everything from LSD to Heroin almost all the time. Where the DMB fan wears clean pressed button up shirts, the Phish fan might change cloths once or twice a year and generally walks around smelling like patchouli oil. Which, by the way, barely covers up the constant weed smell, since they smoke pot like cigarettes. Much like the DMB fan they are obsessed with all things Phish. OW has even heard stories about fans doing Heroin because lead singer Trey Anastasio was doing it. The difference being they were dirt poor, couldn?t afford it, and generally don?t have jobs. Much like the DMB fan, we here at OW enjoy most of Phish?s albums but, once again, there fans are terrible people who try to pretend it?s still the seventies. If it wasn?t for this band the tie dye industry would have disappeared years ago. Yet despite OW?s best efforts people still buy these terrible t-shirts.
1. Sega Fans
Sega fans can be summed up in one simple word: delusional. Let?s look at the facts; Sega has only had one successful system, it?s most famous character is an obvious copy of Mario, and has gone out of business at least once. They were so bad at making video games systems they had to quit. Despite this Sega fans still think that this is a good company. They still think that Sega is better than any other system. This obviously makes no sense, since, at the time there are no Sega systems. They failed. In order to save the company from complete destruction they had to start making games for their arch-enemy Nintendo. Sega has been reduced to a mere video game production company. Still the average Sega fans worship the failed company. This is equivalent to supporting the failed the candidate, following the loser of the war, or living in the burned out house. None of this makes sense. The average Sega fan however refuses to recognize that they worship a fallen hero. We here at OW have made it our mission to save these people from their own stupidity however, to date, we haven?t been able to recover any of them. This may because they are just too far gone, their minds warped, there bodies weak and frail, and their sanity completely lost. Still we refuse to give up. Eventually they will realize that even their own leader doesn?t own a Sega system and the halls of Sega fan HQ are hollowed. Eventually the light that is OW will bring these lost souls home where they can find whatever gaming system they so choose, as long as it?s still in business.