Found in my Google Docs - old Ubergamer stuff

[Miktar]

South African goldfarming industry suffering

It's been a lean year for South African goldfarmers. Thanks to rising bandwidth costs, local goldfarmers have had a hard time competing with their international counterparts. "We just can't run as many scripts as Americans or Koreans", Andre "LOLS2RICHES" DeBeer told reporters last week at the annual goldfarming convention held in Klerksdorp. "We implore local MMO gamers to not buy foreign farmed gold and they should rather support the local market by buying gold farmed proudly in South Africa". Analysts expect the goldfarmers to appeal to the government for subsidy, if the current trends continue.

Flying Penis Wedding ruined by Normalcy

Attendants to the Wedding of SexyChick69 and LandOwnerBaptist in the popular MMO Second Life were horrified when the wedding was crashed by hordes of players running around as regular fully-clothed human-shaped avatars. The friends and family were shocked and appalled by the sudden "attack", and SexyChick69 told reporters that she is "really disappointed that so many people have nothing better to do, than to ruin their wedding". LandOwnerBaptist has started several groups to take action against the perpetrators, claiming that "people who want to look like a flying penis in a game, have a right to get married in peace" and that "if they really had to do it, why did they decide on something so horrible as to just appear in large groups as regular people. It's disgusting".

Competitive gamer fails to ***** about local tournament

When asked how the ESPC Qualifiers went by Ubergamer TV roving reporter John "lolghey" Krans, participant Alistar "TitBoy" van Rensburg had no complaints. "It was a good event, everyone had a great time and the organizers were really on top of things", Alistar admitted. "I'm really glad I went, there was a lot of good competition and I'm happy I managed to place third". There has been a lot of lively debate about the controversial comments from Alistar, and a board of inquiry has been created to deal with both the mounting questions from the competitive gaming community, and to address concerns the ESPC have raised. "We're just not sure what to make of what TitBoy had to say, and we're really concerned he may be setting precedence", ESPC spokeswoman Vicky "LadyLegs" Amstre admitted to the press. "We're just not sure if there is a future for competitive esports, with people like him around".

flOw
(review)
PS3

The PlayStation 3 is the best console ever and nothing anyone says will change that. The PlayStation 2 was the most-selling console and the PlayStation 3 will be too, as soon as all the kids grow up enough to be able to afford it. Unfortunately, I believe that Sony may have made a mistake releasing flOw on the PlayStation 3 because I don't think the game is very Christian. flOw was originally an experiment by some guy on the internet in "game dynamics" or something, and he made a flash game to represent the ideas. Sony saw it and paid the guy to make a better version for the PlayStation 3 that you can buy off the PlayStation Store for R45. In flOw you control this little worm thing and swim around, directing it by tilting the PS3 controller as if you're rolling a marble on a plate. I ate a little creature and "evolved", so I deleted the game.

Counter-Strike gene found

After years of government-funded research the Human Genome Project has managed to isolate and capture a specific recessive gene they believe is responsible for the overwhelming popularity of the online mutual masturbation simulator, Counter-Strike. Back in 1862, Jess Cliff apparently tripped over his two year old daughter, smashing his head into his computer keyboard. The end result was that his spreadsheet and prayer program compiled to something very different that also happened to work as a mod for Half-Life, a game most people have played but don't really think about because the graphics are totally ass compared to Half-Life 2. Cliff quickly noticed just how satisfying Counter-Strike could be and quickly started distributing it via various Christian youth-group websites. Soon, a large community formed around Counter-Strike and the rest will eventually be taught in school alongside other dark periods in mankind's history.

While working late one night renowned geneticist and project leader at the Human Genome Project Prokary Otes noticed a strange segment of nucleic acid markers. "Most genes contain non-coding regions that do not code for the gene products, but regulate gene expressions", he went on to say over coffee. "The genes of eukaryotic organisms, such as Counter-Strike enthusiasts, can contain non-coding regions called introns that are removed from the messenger RNA in a process known as archaea base-pairing". He hopes this recent discovering will help create additional funding which may lead to identifying the DotA gene megabase.

Sadly, identifying the genetic markers brings science no step closer to a cure.

Wii "1-UP"

Hot on the heels of the Xbox 360 Elite with its black exterior, beefy 120GB drive and non-compliant HDMI support comes the Nintendo Wii "1-UP" - a spruced up prettified version of the popular exercise kit that has managed to capture the pacemakers of the elderly everywhere. "It's like having only ferocious dinosaurs," mentions top Nintendo psychic friend Shigeru Miyamoto, "They might fight and hasten their own extinction."

Incontinent Wii designer Ken'ichiro Ashida was brought back from his hiatus in Switzerland to design the new Wii "1-UP" which Nintendo hopes will "be a total Revolution" according to an inside source who sat next to Satoru Iwata on the train while on the way to karaoke. Ashida has described his design philosophy for the "1-UP" as "live with it, sleep with it, eat with it, move along with it", before proceeding to duct-tape two Gamecubes together and shouting "FLYING MAN" and flying off into the sunset. As most journalists have discovered, there is a cultural barrier one has to deal with when talking to the strange nations across the ocean.

Ubergamer was so much fun to do, shame it ended up being more work than regular NAG writing because, well, making up funny **** is actually kind of hard. :P

[Miktar]

Oh, and found this one:

You All Suck
by Salamander GoatCopter

My fake name that absolves me from any responsibility is Salamander GoatCopter, and this is my cliche angry column where I rant about personal topics or esports because I've managed to convince the editors that I have a large and loyal fanbase who would burn down the office if I were ever fired.

I was going to write about my girlfriend, which I have and you don't, or a popular game which I think they're not doing right, or some competitive esports game that all the skinny little emokids play, or the fact that gamers can't spell or write or read or find their way home from outside the front door - but I'm not. I'm not even going to write about just how sucky the local scene is compared to the awesome country I've just moved to (Greenland), where I now stay and then write about things happening on the other side of the planet because I'm just such a damn authority on everything.

No.

The realization hit me that there is something much more important I should be complaining about: You. The reader of Ubergamer.

Just who the hell do you think you are? Every month the staff here at Ubergamer sweat, toil and tear their way through producing the best damn gaming magazine, the most uber gaming magazine, the world has ever seen and what do you do? You don't write. You don't call. You don't even bother to let us know just how damn uber we are and how thankful you are that we're doing such an incredible job at bringing you the best gaming magazine since Ghandi bought a PlayStation 2 and totally pwned Hitler at TimeSplitters and then wrote about it on his blog, no. You don't.

You just sit there and bask in the glory that is Ubergamer, sucking up every little letter that was painstakingly affixed to the page with our blood as if it were the nectar of the Gaming Gods, John Romero and that guy who gives us our pirate copies of the latest games so that we don't have to waste our pizza money on whatever drivel the game developers push out of their buttcracks these days. You live, breath and eat us, but never even stop to say Grace.

I am ashamed of you all.

Do you think we do this for fun? Do you think this is some kind of game to us? We break our backs and bones, bending over to take it from all those publishers and advertisers who try and control the minds of the gamers and get them to think that Totally Clone Sequel 4 First Person Shooter X is the best game ever and anyone who disagrees is obviously just a fanboy of Totally Other Clone Sequel Series 3 First Person Shooter Y. We do this all for you! All the pain, and the suffering, for you!

But you don't care. You're just a gamer, the kind of guy or girl (who is really a guy pretending to be a girl online for the lulz) who thinks that everything is your right, your Gaming God given right and that makes it okay to be like that, because it's your right and nobody can take that away from you. You don't care at all, do you?

I hope that once you turn 12 your parents take away your PlayStation 2. I hope they realize that you didn't actually need that R5,000 video-card "for homework" and then give it to your cousin who only ever plays Solitaire. I hope they finally start to understand that the only reason you needed that 1024 ADSL connection is so that you can download more porn to give to your friends in trade for games they get from their friends, and then call up Telkom and have the line removed.

We're Uber, and you're a Noober, and you'll have to live with that for the rest of your life.

[Flangenimblick]

I miss Ubergamer... :'(

[Cleric]

That is pretty awesome. Never seen ubergamer before.

[Azraphael]

Yeah, come on, bring it back. It was a good laugh.

[Graal]

How about you make it community fueled? Say like we submit stuff and every few months when you have enough decent and funny articles you put it in the magazine. The hard part in that would only be in sifting through all the submitted stuff and finding the gems between the tripe.

That way, we all have a laugh, and we feel a bit more active in the magazine.

[Azraphael]

How about you make it community fueled? Say like we submit stuff and every few months when you have enough decent and funny articles you put it in the magazine. The hard part in that would only be in sifting through all the submitted stuff and finding the gems between the tripe.

That way, we all have a laugh, and we feel a bit more active in the magazine.

I second that, consider it free magazine filler and who knows, maybe you guys will get some entertaining stuff.

[ioiiooio]

Aaah, I miss those. Why not bring it to NAG online? Random question: what's with the American spelling?

[TiNRiB]

Thread is FTW!

I really miss the Ubergamer section!

[Azimuth]

Weird, I was going through my old Ubergamer folder last night. Actually, the interview with Diablo I submitted as my September column was an Ubergamer leftover that I updated. Here's a couple of unpublished ones...

Molyneux announces second pet for Fable 2

In an exclusive interview with ?bergamer, Fable 2 designer Peter Molyneux has revealed that the hotly anticipated sequel will feature not only a pet dog, but a pet rock too.

“One of the core concepts behind the Fable franchise is the dichotomy of good and evil,” he said. “Your actions can be good or evil, and the consequences of your actions are, you know, good or evil. Anyway, where the pet doggy is all about good and all that, like, you know, the rock is all about, well, evil. Sort of. Actually, not really. It's sort of like, well, with this rock, I want players to feel apathy. I want players to think, 'It's just a rock. Why am I carrying this rock? Oh, I just don't care.' It's about really immersing players in a world of complete and utter indifference.”

Players will begin the adventure with the pet rock in their inventory, and it will remain there for the remainder of the game. “You've no idea how you got it, or why you keep it,” Molyneux told ?bergamer. “You've got more important things to think about, anyway.”

Within the dynamic and ever-changing environment of Fable 2, a player's actions will alter not only the living world around themselves, but their very appearance. Molyneux has previously confirmed that the player's canine sidekick will morph alongside its owner, but what about the pet rock? “Well, it's a sodding rock,” he replied. “Since when do rocks change their appearance? It's just this, like, resolutely bland and unremarkable lump of igneous rubble. Besides, any change in the rock's appearance might potentially excite the player. And that would just totally undermine the concept.”

Rockstar to rename Manhunt 2

In a recent press release, embattled game developer Rockstar announced that it intends to rename its controversial new game Manhunt 2 to Murder Your Parents, Rape Some Kids, and Burn Down Your Local Church, Mother****er. “Hell, we've got nothing left to lose,” read the statement.

[Azraphael]

Nice, I like the Manhunt 2 one.

[pArkEr]

^^^ Manhunt one was win.

I miss Ubergamer. The Editor's column was always great to read. Who wrote this stuff anyway?

[Cleric]

Now I want rock DLC for Fable 2.

[Signor 65]

I miss Ubergamer alot, please bring it back, somehow!

[Miktar]

^^^ Manhunt one was win.

I miss Ubergamer. The Editor's column was always great to read. Who wrote this stuff anyway?

James and I would alternate writing the Ed's column, while James, Tarryn and I would write Ubergamer.

No, it won't be coming back to the magazine, you can just forget about that. As for bringing it to the online section, maybe, but not anytime soon.

Aaah, I miss those. Why not bring it to NAG online? Random question: what's with the American spelling?

Because I see no ****ing reason to have a u where it isn't needed. :P

[<Gorilla>]

just a n00bie Q on the side here.

Will someone educate me for a moment, what the hell is ?bergamer?

[Miktar]

Ubergamer was a short-lived section in NAG a few years back, that was a parody of gaming culture, gaming magazines and etc. It was an Onion-style made-up section with reviews, previews, columns and news.

[pArkEr]

It was awesome.

James and I would alternate writing the Ed's column, while James, Tarryn and I would write Ubergamer.

I noticed you guys liked to take pot-shots at each other, always relating what a noob the previous Ed was. lol, you bastards.

[Tryxst3r]

Don't tell me it was a couple of years ago! :| Wow, time flies. Yeah, I wouldn't mind seeing it in a future issue again...

[Mercury]

PRETTY AWESOME

This isn't really related but go to www.fmylife.com for some good laughs
:D