You All Suck
by Salamander GoatCopter
My fake name that absolves me from any responsibility is Salamander GoatCopter, and this is my cliche angry column where I rant about personal topics or esports because I've managed to convince the editors that I have a large and loyal fanbase who would burn down the office if I were ever fired.
I was going to write about my girlfriend, which I have and you don't, or a popular game which I think they're not doing right, or some competitive esports game that all the skinny little emokids play, or the fact that gamers can't spell or write or read or find their way home from outside the front door - but I'm not. I'm not even going to write about just how sucky the local scene is compared to the awesome country I've just moved to (Greenland), where I now stay and then write about things happening on the other side of the planet because I'm just such a damn authority on everything.
The realization hit me that there is something much more important I should be complaining about
: You. The reader of Ubergamer.
Just who the hell do you think you are? Every month the staff here at Ubergamer sweat, toil and tear their way through producing the best damn gaming magazine, the most uber gaming magazine, the world has ever seen and what do you do? You don't write. You don't call. You don't even bother to let us know just how damn uber we are and how thankful you are that we're doing such an incredible job at bringing you the best gaming magazine since Ghandi bought a PlayStation 2 and totally pwned Hitler at TimeSplitters and then wrote about it on his blog, no. You don't.
You just sit there and bask in the glory that is Ubergamer, sucking up every little letter that was painstakingly affixed to the page with our blood as if it were the nectar of the Gaming Gods, John Romero and that guy who gives us our pirate copies of the latest games so that we don't have to waste our pizza money on whatever drivel the game developers push out of their buttcracks these days. You live, breath and eat us, but never even stop to say Grace.
I am ashamed of you all.
Do you think we do this for fun? Do you think this is some kind of game to us? We break our backs and bones, bending over to take it from all those publishers and advertisers who try and control the minds of the gamers and get them to think that Totally Clone Sequel 4 First Person Shooter X is the best game ever and anyone who disagrees is obviously just a fanboy of Totally Other Clone Sequel Series 3 First Person Shooter Y. We do this all for you! All the pain, and the suffering, for you!
But you don't care. You're just a gamer, the kind of guy or girl (who is really a guy pretending to be a girl online for the lulz) who thinks that everything is your right, your Gaming God given right and that makes it okay to be like that, because it's your right and nobody can take that away from you. You don't care at all, do you?
I hope that once you turn 12 your parents take away your PlayStation 2. I hope they realize that you didn't actually need that R5,000 video-card "for homework" and then give it to your cousin who only ever plays Solitaire. I hope they finally start to understand that the only reason you needed that 1024 ADSL connection is so that you can download more porn to give to your friends in trade for games they get from their friends, and then call up Telkom and have the line removed.
We're Uber, and you're a Noober, and you'll have to live with that for the rest of your life.