When someone close wants to commit suicide

[spjt07]

Hi Everyone

I have a problem. My sister has been trying to commit suicide over the past couple years by trying to overdose herself with medicine. Over the past couple weeks it has been getting steadily worse. She has tried about 4 times in the past month.

Her reasons that she is trying to do it are because she says nobody is listening to here when she says she can't cope with her studies. She is 29 and doing her third year in her Nursing degree. Her grades have been fine, mainly in the 60% mark and even a few distinctions. However there have been a few times where she has failed. Not terrible marks but in her eyes nothing could have been worse.

She is a perfectionist so when she fails it sets her back emotionaly a great deal.

Her boyfriend who lives in the USA recently broke up with her so that also didnt help the situation at all.

She is seeing a counsillor. However all she wants to do is give up. Everyone knows she wants to finish her Nursing degree so that she can use it to travel to countries where nurses are urgently needed (Far East and some European countries). But now that she is failing her midwifery due to not finishing her assignments she will end up having to redo the whole year over again. She obviously doesn't take that very well.

So my question is, what do you do. Tough love or soft love? What do you say and how do you help her deal with it?

Thanks for any good advice and help.

[willbeonekenobi]

Hi Everyone

I have a problem. My sister has been trying to commit suicide over the past couple years by trying to overdose herself with medicine. Over the past couple weeks it has been getting steadily worse. She has tried about 4 times in the past month.

Her reasons that she is trying to do it are because she says nobody is listening to here when she says she can't cope with her studies. She is 29 and doing her third year in her Nursing degree. Her grades have been fine, mainly in the 60% mark and even a few distinctions. However there have been a few times where she has failed. Not terrible marks but in her eyes nothing could have been worse.

She is a perfectionist so when she fails it sets her back emotionaly a great deal.

Her boyfriend who lives in the USA recently broke up with her so that also didnt help the situation at all.

She is seeing a counsillor. However all she wants to do is give up. Everyone knows she wants to finish her Nursing degree so that she can use it to travel to countries where nurses are urgently needed (Far East and some European countries). But now that she is failing her midwifery due to not finishing her assignments she will end up having to redo the whole year over again. She obviously doesn't take that very well.

So my question is, what do you do. Tough love or soft love? What do you say and how do you help her deal with it?

Thanks for any good advice and help.

Well it obviously sounds as if she is going through a very tough period in her life. I'm no psychologist but it could have to do something psychologically wrong with her. The combination of her boyfriend breaking up and some poor marks obviously does not bode well for her. If I were for you I would get her to see a psychologist so that maybe you can better understand what she is going through as she may not tell you. She may say that she is 'fine' but in reality she is not. I would also encourage her NOT TO GIVE UP. Giving up is for losers and by the sounds of it she is not a loser.

[Azimuth]

Well, if she says nobody is listening to her when she says she's not coping with her studies, has anyone actually tried listening?

[Takiro]

So my question is, what do you do. Tough love or soft love? What do you say and how do you help her deal with it?

Dude, The world is gonna dish out plenty of tough love. Don't be a **** in a bad situation (even if it is for a good reason)

[FEN1X]

What is the reason for her failing her studies?

[onona]

At the risk of sounding horribly callous, if she keeps taking household medication (which is pretty commonly known to be an ineffective method of suicide) and telling people why she wants to end it all, I'd say she's not really serious about it and is looking for attention. If she's tried four times this month without succeeding, it's because she's not actually trying.

Take it or leave it, but that's the impression I get from your post. I'm not saying she's not depressed, but I am saying she's probably not that serious about taking her life.

[wisp]

At the risk of sounding horribly callous, if she keeps taking household medication (which is pretty commonly known to be an ineffective method of suicide) and telling people why she wants to end it all, I'd say she's not really serious about it and is looking for attention. If she's tried four times this month without succeeding, it's because she's not actually trying.

Take it or leave it, but that's the impression I get from your post. I'm not saying she's not depressed, but I am saying she's probably not that serious about taking her life.

Toatlly agree with Onona on this one , these attempts are cries for help maybe a couseller is not the answer but checking in to a mental health facility for a short while may help where she can be monitored 24/7.

This must be hard on you and your family so strongs for you guys

[vii]

Guys, While this is probably a cry for attention, it does need to addressed. I've known a few people who attempted suicide and they all tried one of these incredibly ineffective methods. They see that doing something like this gets attention and thus think it'll get them some.

I'd recommend just being there for her and talking. People underestimate the value of just being talked to by a friend or family member in a nonjudgmental way. Just be normal, but be there for her. Also keep an eye on her, pills rarely work, but they could work...

Suicide attempts are quite serious, so maybe she should take a while off from her studies seeing as nurses work with pills, she probably shouldn't be around them too much :P

If she feels down about her marks, send her here so she can take a look at mine, She'll instantly feel better about hers :D

EDIT: Oh and something I've come across a lot with people depressed from failing a subject or two at university, just tell them it's a tiny year extra they'll be studying, and this year is insignificant in the big picture. She's young and an extra year of university isn't going to change anything really.

[dammit]

You say she's seeing a counsellor. I would strongly suggest you take her to see a psychologist or a psychiatrist. A counsellor is someone who only has their honours in psychology whereas a psychologist has their masters and two years of internship plus board exams. Essentially, they're armed with more training. Also, they may suggest that she be treated as an inpatient if she is a high risk to herself.

@onona: sometimes people feel that the only way they'll get help is if they do something dramatic. she's obviously not getting what she needs (perhaps support from her family?) for her to act out this way. The fact that her method of choice isn't effective doesn't mean her problems are not severe. very few suicide attempts are because the person wants to actually -die-. What they want the most is to end their current suffering.

[sywlyn]

My best mates sister had the exact same problem. It was really bad. She was very similar to your sister (based on your summary), in every way except she was 19/20.

She recieved medication which really helped, but unfortuanitly she would still go through dips every now and then, scaring the crap out of everyone who loved her. Ultimately one day, her mom also broke down (emotionally she couldnt cope anymore) and told her: "If you want to kill yourself, go ahead, im not going to hide meds anymore, im not going to lock away kitchenware anymore, if being dead is going to make you happy, then please, do it and get it over with". Needless to say it was rather intense, however, for some bizzarre reason she hasnt tried anything funny in the last 2 years?

Life is hard, it really is, and I know that she got addicted to having a easy escape from it. Ultimately she realised that everyone has ups and downs, its natural. Gyming helps a lot, its something that really has a positive impact (this is what she said) and actually taking your meds when you should. She also realised that its not just happening to her, but also everyone around her, which also made her see the bigger picture.

I suffered from Depression, the best and only thing to do is listen to the advice your given, it works. And yes, realising life isnt all good, but bad too, and that even the bad has a place in it.

Note: I agree with Dammit on that one. There are some good Psychologists and psychiatrists in the pretoria waterkloof area.

[Cyberninja]

You say she's seeing a counsellor. I would strongly suggest you take her to see a psychologist or a psychiatrist. A counsellor is someone who only has their honours in psychology whereas a psychologist has their masters and two years of internship plus board exams. Essentially, they're armed with more training. Also, they may suggest that she be treated as an inpatient if she is a high risk to herself.

@onona: sometimes people feel that the only way they'll get help is if they do something dramatic. she's obviously not getting what she needs (perhaps support from her family?) for her to act out this way. The fact that her method of choice isn't effective doesn't mean her problems are not severe. very few suicide attempts are because the person wants to actually -die-. What they want the most is to end their current suffering.

This.

I agree with Dammit. A psychiatrist or psychologist would be more beneficial to your sister. Also, you and your family should really talk to your sister, more often. Ask her what's troubling her, and assure her that you are all there for her. Sometimes it just takes communication and understanding from a loved one, to take a suicidal person out of that state. Sometimes the problem runs much deeper. In which case, I reiterate what Dammit said; take her to see a psychologist or psychiatrist. A good psychiatrist would be able to identify whether she has a genuine problem or if she's just "faking". So taking her to see a professional would benefit her/your'll either way.

[Cleric]

I went through something similar not even a year ago. There are several important things that you need to note:
1. Cry for help should not be viewed as a bad thing
2. If she's been seeing someone for over 3 months without results (or at least a slight improvement) they're doing a **** job
3. MOST IMPORTANTLY: When these kinds of problems persist and get worse, there is a VERY good chance that it's a hormone imbalance. There are pretty standard tests that any decent psychiatrist will do. Yes, she may have to go on anti-depresants for a while while the proper meds that get perscribe work their way into the system, and that will be hard on everyone, but one's mental health is worth a couple of ****ty months to preserve/save.

[Azraphael]

I have a question for Spjt07. Knowing your religious convictions, is she seeing a proper counselor? Or is she seeing a church councilor? For all I know she doesn't share your beliefs, but if she is seeing a church councilor, that may be your problem right there. I won't elaborate now, but I've been there. I'm just curious on your answer.

[Cleric]

Yeah, agreed. If the issue is anything deeper than a surface level issue, a church counselor is certainly not the way to go. They are qualified at being nice and not much else.

[dammit]

Yeah, agreed. If the issue is anything deeper than a surface level issue, a church counselor is certainly not the way to go. They are qualified at being nice and not much else.

Er, it depends. Quite a few have studied psychology as part of their course work if they have studied at all. At best, they're on the level of a counsellor (ie: honours in psychology) which is not really capable of dealing with a situation like this.

I would argue, though, that church counsellors do have their place. This is just not it.

[onona]

@onona: sometimes people feel that the only way they'll get help is if they do something dramatic. she's obviously not getting what she needs (perhaps support from her family?) for her to act out this way. The fact that her method of choice isn't effective doesn't mean her problems are not severe. very few suicide attempts are because the person wants to actually -die-. What they want the most is to end their current suffering.

But that's pretty much exactly what I said.

[Azraphael]

I would argue, though, that church counsellors do have their place. This is just not it.

Maybe in helping kids deal with divorce and what not, but not when suicide or drug addiction are concerned. Just my personal feelings.

[dammit]

At the risk of sounding horribly callous, if she keeps taking household medication (which is pretty commonly known to be an ineffective method of suicide) and telling people why she wants to end it all, I'd say she's not really serious about it and is looking for attention. If she's tried four times this month without succeeding, it's because she's not actually trying.

Take it or leave it, but that's the impression I get from your post. I'm not saying she's not depressed, but I am saying she's probably not that serious about taking her life.

But that's pretty much exactly what I said.

Sorry, your first post just comes off as 'yeah, she may be depressed but all this attention seeking behaviour is overdramatic'. Guess it's a misunderstanding due to the nature of the forums :P

Maybe in helping kids deal with divorce and what not, but not when suicide or drug addiction are concerned. Just my personal feelings.

Agreed.

[onona]

No, my post was pretty much saying she's probably not serious about dying, she's looking for attention. And by looking for attention, I don't mean attention whoring, I mean she's looking for attention from those around her for her problems.

[spjt07]

I have a question for Spjt07. Knowing your religious convictions, is she seeing a proper counselor? Or is she seeing a church councilor? For all I know she doesn't share your beliefs, but if she is seeing a church councilor, that may be your problem right there. I won't elaborate now, but I've been there. I'm just curious on your answer.

As far as I know the counselor is highly qualified in dealing with these sort of things and vastly experienced. She worked in drug rehabs and from what my mom has told me my sister respects her a lot which makes it easier for her to open up

The fact that she is a Christian and goes to the same church as my mom is more just the way things have unfolded. She was recommended to my mom by another member in the church who went through the same thing.