A joke a day keeps the sadness away.

[Toxxyc]

See, I enjoy all the Cyanide and Happiness comics, but today's one seriously made me LOL. It's absolutely gold! Looksie:

[Chevron]

Another Celebrity Death
Chuck Norris was found dead in his hotel room this morning ... but he is okay now.

http://tudumpa.com/

[D34thByCh01c3]

Dubstep has been around for years, it was discovered when somebody connected to the internet with a Dial-up modem

[Toxxyc]

1. Organize a routine, unexpected fire drill in a 5-story office building housing about 350 people.
2. Inform the building manager and a select few people who are in charge of these kind of things in order to obtain accurate results.
3. Building manager proceeds to send a global email to every and all computer in the building, informing every single person inside about the incoming fire drill.
4. ???
5. Fail.

This just happened to me. I couldn't even get angry, I just laughed.

[Toxxyc]

1. Go to translate.google.com
2. Translate from Afrikaans to English
3. Type in: "ek is tog 'n bloubul"
4. ???
5. Profit

[Negasta]

A hypnotist was coming to the climax of his show. He needed 7 men for his final trick. In the front row he saw these what looked like a whole rugby team of burly young men and asked 7 of them to come on the stage to assist him. He proceeded to hypnotize them to obey his every request and instruction. Just as he had them totally under his control, his pocket watch slipped out of his fingers and smashed on the stage.

In shock, he exclaimed : "**** ME!"

[Xperimance]

A guy is about to have sex with his girlfriend. His girlfriend asks, "Did you bring condoms?" "Of course!" said the guy, "I even bought a Olympic coloured pack of them: gold, silver and bronze." As he's about to put on the gold condom his girlfriend stops him and says, "Wait, can you maybe put the silver one on instead, please?" He asks her why and she replies, "Because I want you to come second for a change."

[ZoRPA]

Research in South Africa has led to the discovery of the heaviest element
yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant
neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it
an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since
Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected,
because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally
take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 5 years; It does not decay, but
instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass
will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more
morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe
that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical level of
concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical
morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element
that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as
many peons but twice as many morons.

[Toxxyc]

Neutron walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He asks the bartender: "So, how much?" Bartender: "For you, no charge."

An old actor is becoming to forget his lines, and he struggles to find more roles to play. He eventually finds a theatre with a play willing to give him another chance at glory. All he has to do is walk up to a point on stage, hold up a rose to his nose, sniff it and say "Ahh, the sweet aroma of my mistress..." He's thrilled, and accepts. The act comes and he walks up to the stage, does his line and the crowd starts laughing themselves into oblivion. The director yells at him: "You IDIOT! You ruined my play!" So the actor asks in dismay: "What, did I forget my line again?" "No!", says the director, "You forgot the bloody rose!"

[Random]

This happened to me about two years ago and before reading you should know that it takes me several hours and many coffee to properly wake in the morning.

So there I was coming to a stop at the same damn robot that gets me every morning when I noticed a young man come up to my car. He did that thing begars do to make themselves look smaller while clapping there hands and gestering to his mouth suggesting that he was hungry and said

" Sorry my boss maar eks honger, gee my jou phone of ek steek jou met die mess "

I was very impressed by how polite the young man was but I wasnt paying him much attention,so I just gave my default responce.
While feeling my pockets and checking round in my car as if I was looking for something I said

" I dont have any, I got nothing. Sorry. "

And he replied

" Ok, lekke dag my boss "

He gangsta hopped off into a crowd of people waiting for a taxi and I waited a few more seconds for the robot to change before going on my way. I only realized what happened a couple of minutes later.

And then I laughed ( shat my pants )

[Cyberninja]

Brilliant. :P

[Toxxyc]

A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks

"excuthe me do you have any widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeepers heart melts, he gets down

on his knees so that he is on her level and says "do you want a

widdle white wabbit or a thoft fwuffy bwack wabbit, or one

like that widdle bwown one over there?"

The little girl blushes, rocks back on her

heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers, " I

don't wealy fink my pyfon gives a phuc."

[nukehead]

Heh, my girls father told me that exact joke yesterday.

Oh ****, now I need to post a joke... uh, ... wait.

Ok, so there are two people having a rampant affair that has been going on for months behind their spouses' backs. Everyday meeting up at her place they get busy. It is a great little setup. So on this particular meet-up they are mid-coitus when the husband arrives home unexpectedly. "Quickly!" she says, "Hide in the cupboard!" so the guy leaps up and into the cupboard but doesn't have time to get his clothes. As he closes the cupboard the husband barges in demanding to know where the bastard is. He's had his suspicions for months now. He looks around and sure as Bob opens the cupboard to be greeted by the naked man.

"What are you doing in here?" demands the husband, eyeing him suspiciously.

Thinking quickly the guy nonchalantly states, "I'm from Pest Control we are here about your moth problem."

"But where are your clothes?" asks the husband

So the guy looks down all confused and says, "**** those buggers are quick!"

[ioiiooio]

What's the difference between a Stripper and an Escape Artist?

One's got a cunning stunt...

[Toxxyc]

Fun fact for today: Felix Baumgartner fell an average of 2.4km/h slower than the South African economy.

[Changsta 187]

A guy walks into the barber shop and asks, "how long 'till I can have a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and replies, "there's a spot available in about 3 hours" The guy leaves.

The next day the same guy walks into the barber shop and asks, "how long 'till I can have a haircut?" Again the barber looks around the shop and replies, "in about 2 hours this time." The guy leaves again.

The following day the same guy walks into the shop and again asks, "how long 'till I can have a haircut?" Once more the barber looks around and replies, "oh 1 hour this time" Again, the guy leaves.

The barber is a little suspicious now 'cause there's this same bloke that keeps coming in asking for a haircut yet never returns. So he sends his friend to go follow him and see where he goes off to. His friend comes back with tears of laughter in his eyes in which the barber asks, "So? Where did he go?" His friend replies, "He went to your wife!"

[Hamman]

Wats die enigste nadeel van n long oorplanting? Daai eerst stukkie slym wat loskom is nie joune nie..... :D

[Goraan]

Wats die enigste nadeel van n long oorplanting? Daai eerst stukkie slym wat loskom is nie joune nie..... :D

ew... Just plain... ew

[innocent159]

jan vra: “Is daar sop op die spyskaart?”
die waiter antwoord: Nee, Meneer, ek vee die spyskaart elke oggend mooi af.

[ZoRPA]

Pffffhahahahahahaha