It’s a great month to be alive, isn’t it? We’re getting an all-new Jurassic Park movie, which may or may not forever tarnish our cherished memories of the previous movies. Some of them anyway – let’s agree to pretend the third film doesn’t exist, yes? Still, there’ll be giant dinosaurs on a giant screen, meaning that even if the movie is awful, jaws will still hit the floor.
At the same time, we’re getting not only a new LEGO game, but a LEGO game themed on our favourite dino-filled film franchise. THAT’S A DINO-DACIOUS DOUBLE WHAMMY, or something else appropriately ’90s sounding. We’re so excited by all this excitement that we’ve plastered our cover with Traveller’s Tales latest brick-built adventure.
We all just want to be big rockstars. You know it. We know it. Nickelback knows it. Strangely enough, we have it on good authority that people who are already big rockstars want nothing more than to be accountants. Huge fans of numbers and balancing that lot. Also, cocaine. Probably.
Even our May issue is obsessed with becoming a rock god, preferably of the glam-metal persuasion. We caught it wearing an outrageous wig in the bathroom the other day and everything. “It’s all about experimentation,” it told us as we stared, transfixed. To each their own and all that.
Anyway, follow us below for a look at what’s cooking in the next issue of NAG magazine.
WE DON’T NEED TO KNOW THE WAY HOME. Except when it’s dark out. And we’re lost. And alone. And horribly afraid. Maybe another hero – or any hero at all really – is exactly what we need right now. Perhaps we’re being a bit melodramatic, and all we actually need to escape our current predicament is for someone to generously hand us a map and a flashlight, and point us in the right direction.
While we wait for that generous someone (we’re hoping it’s Tina Turner, obviously) to save us from the horrors of flimsy introductions, let’s hold hands and take a sneak peek at the contents of our April issue. By the way: it’s our birthday and we hope you’ve brought cake. Just sayin’.
March seems like the perfect time to act like a kid again. Hire a bouncy castle for the weekend, even though you’re 30 years old and it’s not your birthday for another eight months. Insist on riding in the backseat of your significant other’s car, incessantly asking “are we there yet?” every five minutes as they drive you to work. Throw an enormous tantrum in the queue at the grocery store because you’re allowed to choose one sweet, and one sweet only, and of course you can’t decide between the five sweets you’re clutching in your hands. Buy water wings and use them to disturb all the other adults at your best friend’s kid’s birthday party, clumsily splashing around the pool yelling, “Look mommy! You’re not looking. Mommy? MOMMY!”
Or you can relive your glory days of growing up playing cops and robbers in your backyard by plunging into some Battlefield Hardline. It’s guaranteed to be a far less embarrassing way of reliving your childhood – except for when you accidentally kill half your team with a misplaced grenade. The choice is yours. Either way, you should definitely follow us below to discover the contents of NAG’s March issue.