‘Chievo chaser: The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim

If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably already clocked over fifty hours playing Skyrim, but you’ve completed, like, five quests. Maybe. It’s like every time you decide to get back to business, something just sort of comes up. A nearby cave, perhaps, or a mammoth, or just a really nice looking crag in the distance, and on the way over there, you notice there’s actually a town or something somewhere up ahead, then SUDDENLY DRAGONS or GIANTS or BUNNIES, and then it’s dark and you realise you forgot to eat dinner. And lunch. In fact, everything that’s happened since breakfast is kind of vague and it might be tomorrow already and the cat looks a bit miffed.

Skyrim features fifty Achievements / Trophies, and the good news is that, with only two exceptions (and one is more like a very unlikely contingency), none of them can be accidentally skipped over.

So, don’t miss these…

Oblivion Walker
Collect 15 Daedric Artifacts

You’ll get these mega-rare shiny-pretties by completing Daedra quests, which can be started at Daedric shrines as well as within a number of (ostensibly) random missions. The big issue here is that, for one reason or another, you’re able to complete the Daedra mission without blagging a Daedric Artifact or you could simply miss the quest altogether.

PROTIPS: Don’t ignore seemingly arbitrary messages from couriers, do what the blacksmith asks, don’t let so-and-so finish, and it’s okay – apparently it tastes just like chicken.

Snake Tongue
Successfully persuade, bribe, and intimidate

This one is only technically missable. Basically, don’t murder everybody in Skyrim before you’ve successfully persuaded, bribed, and intimidated people. Then you can murder everybody.

PROTIP: Depending on the person, you’ll need at least a couple of ranks in the Speech skill to pull these off. You can level up this skill by buying and selling all that junk you’ve been stuffing into your pockets just in case – use the general traders in towns because you can sell them pretty much anything, including dead bees.

With those two in the bag then, it’s just a matter of grinding the other forty-eight. You want tips? You got tips! Just don’t eat them, they’ll damage your Magicka.

Pick 50 locks and pick 50 pockets

You’ll probably catch this one sooner or later, but if you’d rather have it sooner, and don’t mind minor spoilers (WARNING: MINOR SPOILERS!), completing the Thieves’ Guild quest Blindsighted will help you out tremendously. Actually, that’s probably great advice in general. Seriously. Do it. Now. You’ll see.

Get married

If you haven’t yet worked out how to do this (foreveralong.jpg), just buy an Amulet of Mara at the temple in Riften, and you’re all ready, set, sleeping on the couch for commitment and extortionate alimony debts. By wearing this thingy, you’ll be advertising your bachelor / bachelorette / the lizard equivalent status to everybody else, and somebody will eventually take you up on it. It’s like Craigslist, but with more inter-species hookups. Maybe not that many more.

With friends Like These…
Join the Dark Brotherhood
Make sure to visit the local inns and ask for rumours. Somebody’s going to talk about the goth kid in Windhelm. Pay attention.

Complete 10 side quests

The trick with this one is that most “side quests” are categorised as something else entirely. The side quests that actually count as side quests have this icon on either side of the title in your quest log:

Side quests. Not like other side quests.

Reach level 50

Levelling up in Skyrim is not like levelling up in other RPGs – instead, levelling up skills adds up until, magically, you level up. It’s also worth pointing out that levelling a skill from, say, 90-91 is worth more magic levelling goodies than levelling a skill from 0-1, so you want to level a few skills up to 100 rather than every skill up to 5 (or whatever). So how do you level up your skill levels to maximum level? Up next…

Skill Master
Get a skill to 100

You’ve got three options here:

•    Use the skill over and over and over. This is time-consuming.
•    Get somebody to train you in that skill. This is costly.
•    Find skill books. This is erratic.

PROTIPS: Creep everywhere to level up your Sneak skill, and keep casting the Muffle spell to level up your Illusion skill – you can even race the two skills to see which maxes out first, which is like a cool metagame. You could also make hundreds of daggers (Whiterun’s smithy is a good location, because both the blacksmith and her husband restock iron ingots every 24 hours) to level up the Smithing skill quickly.

BONUS PROTIP: Skill books always have a value over 50 septims (although not all book valued over 50 septims are skill books), so you don’t have to waste time actually picking up and reading every single book in the land just in case it’s a skill book – simply skim over them instead. And they said you shouldn’t judge books by their covers, ha.

Disney Plus launches in the US in November
Disney+ launches in the US in November, but the rest of us will have to wait