Wednesdays have been a little serious around here as of late, and I apologise for that. It’s been all ranty and sober; less pretty pictures and more wall of text. Well I’ve decided to restore the balance this week with something a little more upbeat.
In that spirit, I’m going to be having a look at some of the most awesome/difficult/pants-wettingly terrifying video game enemies I’ve ever had the misfortune (or indeed, pleasure) of attempting to kill.
Basically, all you had to do to make the list was be memorable, much like your trip to Mauritius was as memorable as that time you got haemorrhoids and had to carry an inflatable ring with you into the cinema.
Here then are five of my favourites, in loosely (lazily) arranged order of awesomeness.
5. The Gatherers (Amnesia: The Dark Descent)
Amnesia is known primarily for making grown men cry like those children on My Super Sweet 16 when their Bentley convertible is the wrong shade of pink. Most of the Amnesia content you’ll find online is people losing control of their bowels on YouTube.
The Gatherers (even that name is scary, what the hell are they gathering?) are particularly terrifying in that, like most monsters in this “game”, they can’t be killed. Your only option is to run like hell and hope they lose interest, or they’ll open that Julia Roberts mouth of theirs, scream in your face and melt your brain. That wasn’t a metaphor.
No one is actually sure if this game is any good, since no one has ever had fun playing it. After an hour, if you can make it that long, you get up feeling like you need to take a shower and call your mother.
4. Venomous Head Crabs (Half-Life 2)
I really, really hate head crabs. They are the sole reason Half-Life 1 doesn’t have a Metacritic score of 100%, because honestly f**k you Valve.
Everyone has played Half-Life 1, and thus everyone knows that horrible feeling you get when you get face-molested by that one little bastard you didn’t see when you came in the room. The terror was enough to send you into a blind panic everytime you heard one of them, backpedalling and emptying your gun at the floor.
Of course, that just wasn’t enough, was it Gabe? So in Half-Life 2, they made them poisonous – taking you slowly down to 1 health with a single bite, prime to get capped by some rookie soldier with a BB gun.
These better not be in Half-Life 3. There better be a Half-Life 3.
3. That A-hole with the shotgun (Doom)
Ah man, I hate this guy. You know him, that red-eyed creep with the stupid outfit and the square head. This guy:
There is a special place in hell for John Romero, because I know he’s the one responsible for always putting these idiots around a damn corner. I don’t know when you last played Doom, but I played it yesterday because I’m hipster like that.
You’re cruising around, 100% health, laughing at those functionally retarded brown guys throwing slow-moving fireballs at you. You turn the corner and BANG, you’re on 34% and your nose is bleeding everywhere and you look like hell.
Damn you, Romero.
2. Goombas (Super Mario Bros)
These made it onto the list simply because I’ve never had so much fun killing something. This walking face-mushroom with fancy shoes wasn’t exactly the most fearsome enemy, but man was that squish noise satisfying when you jumped on its head.
They’ve become a standard feature of Mario games, and even appeared (hilariously terribly) in that movie adaptation I prefer to pretend was just a really bad dream.
1. GlaDOS (Portal)
If all the other numbers are meaningless, this first place title isn’t. GlaDOS is far and away the coolest villain we’ve ever seen in a video game, and maybe the coolest one we ever will.
What really set her apart as a villain was just how human she came across – sarcastic, mocking and misleading, she managed to make the game hilarious while at the same time sinister and a little bit frightening.
While the portals were innovative and unlike any gameplay we’d seen before, I doubt the series would have been nearly as much of a hit without GlaDOS’s dry, sadistic wit.
What did I miss? Is the worst list you’ve ever seen? Are your eyes melting? What are your favourite villains then, a-hole? Tell me how stupid I am in the comments!