The Definitive Guide to Klapping Noobs

keep calm pwn noobs

So you love games, but you suck at them. You’re the guy who’s always last choice to fill out a team, whose friends pretend they can’t see his messages (oh sorry bro, we JUST missed you), that guy who’s just as horrible after two years as he was when he started.

Your online persona is a fat kid with asthma. If you were a real person, you’d get tired on the walk to your kitchen and catch balls primarily with your face.

I know them feels, bro. I was there. You wouldn’t believe it if you saw me game now, but I too am a recovering noob (3 years clean of all noobery, taking it day by day). Let me let you in on a little secret – the best way to not be a noob, is to klap noobs.

And I’m gonna tell you how.

Step 1: Prepare your body

Klapping noobs is like klapping it at the gym; you can’t just walk in in shorts and some flip-flops and expect not to get killed by a barbell on your first squat.

As Sun Tzu writes in The Art of War, “Winners klap it first and then go to war, losers go to war first and then try klap it”. Don’t be a loser.

Before I start a long gaming session, I like to have a protein shake with three egg whites and seven glasses of water. Note that eight is too many.

Then I put on my 100% breathable cotton so my pores can expand and whatnot. After that, I put on my gaming glasses. The best part about these is not only do they protect my eyes when I’m in the zone, after I’m finished smacking some noobs around I can wear them straight out to the club.

Eat well, sleep well, wear your glasses and klap okes.

"I'm gonna go tell that girl my Gamerscore."
“I’m gonna go tell that girl my Gamerscore.”

Step 2: Prepare your mind

You know when you go to the gym and there are those sad individuals walking up and down that little two-step and doing three bicep curls and four crunches? That’s what you look like when you play games.

If you’re going to play a game properly, you need a proper strategy. Jumping in and fumbling things along as you go might be fun at the Saturday Night Karaoke with your mom, but gaming is serious business.

For every game you’ll be able to find an appropriate strategy/guide/walkthrough that will teach you how to suck significantly less. Surround yourself with these at all times. Plaster your walls, your car, stick them on your pets. I turned mine into custom-print toilet paper, but each to his own. Learn them. Use them. Live them.

All that knowledge could be yours.
All that knowledge could be yours.

Step 3: Confidence

You know who digs confidence? Dogs. Why? Because they are the most badass creatures on the planet, and they know a winner when they see one. Do you ever come home and greet your dog, and he can’t even look you in the eye? He’s ashamed of you. He saw that late night Call of Duty session; he saw you get cut down by a pack of adolescents, and he can feel your poor self-esteem cloying to you like poop on a shoe. An animal which spends more time licking it’s genitals than breathing is ashamed of you. Just let that sink in.

If you want to be a winner, you have to feel like one. You have to go into every match fully believing, without a shadow of a doubt, that you are going to teabag every other person in that game. You are going to lay the sweaty sack of dominance upon their forehead, and they will smile and say thank you for the honour of touching greatness.

If you believe it, it will be so. I’ve stopped wearing pants when I play just to reinforce this belief, and I get an average of twelve frags more per game when I’m pantless. That’s what we call science, bro.

Step 4: The Final Product

Obviously, no one of these things is good enough in isolation. If you want nerds the world over falling at your feet, you’ll need to combine these principles into the most uber of noob-klappers.

It’s a long, hard road; a trip many will never complete. If you find it a little too hard, a little too challenging, a little too much work – well, maybe gaming isn’t for you. Noob.