5 Gaming New Year’s Resolutions (That’ll Never Last)


Another year, another host of opportunities for us to let ourselves down.

It’s been just over a week since we all made our resolutions for the year, so I trust that by now you’ve broken at least half of them.

Don’t despair, only wizards and liars actually keep to their resolutions. To help cheer you up, I’ve compiled a list of video game-related resolutions which surely won’t last the full 365 (until we kid ourselves all over again).

Bobby Kotick: “I won’t release a game this year”

Have you watched Moneyball? You should, it’s great. I was distracted at some point however by an actor who appeared in a couple of scenes – he was a dead ringer for Bobby Kotick.

Turns out, it WAS Kotick, which is odd since I thought his kind didn’t show up in photographs. Maybe video is different.

Anyway, it got me thinking that perhaps Kotick is just a regular, pleasant man and not an industry-destroying sycophant after all.

Maybe Mr. Kotick woke up on January 1st with a mild hangover and a sense of duty – a man who looked in the mirror and boldly promised himself that this would be the year he doesn’t release one damned game.

No Call of Duty in November. No attempted resurrections of expired franchises with plastic instruments. No, this year will be the year of polish, and passion.

But perhaps, just as our cigarettes, alcohol and chocolate begin whispering our names around the 3rd and 4th, just as we hit snooze on our alarm clocks somewhere around the 6th, so to does Kotick begin to realise that that fleet of Italian supercars aren’t going to service themselves. That zoological geneticist he hired to create a unicorn for his daughter needs the balance of her fee and the molten walls of his volcanic fortress could really use a coat of paint.

No, perhaps he’d better call Treyarch and tell them to have something ready for the Christmas.

If you look deeply into his eyes, you can feel your soul burning.
We know what happens to developers who don’t finish before Christmas, don’t we Treyarch?

 Blizzard: “We will release a game this year”

Sure we will. There’s that new Starcraft game, when we were doing SC2 in 2007 wasn’t this all supposed to be one game? Hell, these expansions have longer intervals than James Cameron movies.

No, we’re just going to have to push it all out. Maybe even make something new. Just drop Warcraft 4 this year out of nowhere, that’ll show all of them.

Of course, it’ll still have to be good. There’s a reason the Sistine Chapel doesn’t have stickmen making crude signs at each other. Azeroth wasn’t built in a day. I mean the game’s going to come out obviously, just, you know.

When it’s ready.

Just a couple more bugs to iron out, we'll be releasing soon.
Just a couple more bugs to iron out, we’ll be releasing soon.

Everyone: “This will be the year I stop playing ____________”

This one is easily interchangeable with playing significantly less games in general, but they’re both equally laughable. For me it’s probably something like League of Legends, which deserves a place for me in that gap over there.

However, as I write this while currently waiting for my next LoL game to load, I think it’s safe to say that that particular resolution’s lifespan was shorter than Paris Hilton’s career.

We probably all spend a little more time than we should on games, it’s something I’ve spoken about before. If you’re a regular visitor to this site, chances are they’re important to you. Part of your self-identity, your social life, your interests and passions.

Don’t make resolutions you can’t stick to; but don’t be afraid to make small, positive changes. I use regret as my yardstick – if a day feels squandered, it probably was.

Shit, that was depressing for this early in the year. Let me put this soapbox away and hope you’re all here when I get back.

Maybe I'll change my shoes too. Man, those are ugly.
Maybe I’ll change my shoes too. Man, those are ugly.

Everyone: “This year I’m actually going to finish _____”

I need a longer line. Seriously, I tried to pass that off up there as if I have one game to finish. Puh. I’ve started a helluva lot more games than I’ve finished.

The worst is when you run out of space on your hard drive, and have to start shamefully deleting games with 40% completion, telling yourself you’ll re-install them later, when you have the time.

Even worse is the stuff I have finished. I didn’t make it to the halfway point of Bioshock Infinite, but I did feel the deep regret and emotional torment that only the rolling credits of Duke Nukem Forever can produce.

And please, just don’t even mention the Steam Summer Sale.

Seriously. Don't.
Seriously. Don’t.

Steam Summer Sale: “I won’t subsist solely on white bread, beans and regret this year”

Oh, very funny. You’re real funny Chris, and probably insane, considering this whole meta-narrative self-referential thing going on right now.

So, how many of you unfortunate people blew more than you can afford on games you’ll never finish? I see you opening your mouth to protest. Yes, you over there, with that look of indignation and dodgy hygiene. Let me tell you something.

It wasn’t worth it.

If I walk into a Woolworths tomorrow and they have a bundle of three hot pink t-shirts on sale for R20 that are four sizes too big for me, I will buy them. Why? Because value, that’s why.

I know this to be true because I recently bought a pair of lime green furry pants, four sizes too big for me. For women. With a bow on the front. I did this purely because they were under R10, and it’s basically how I approach every Steam sale.

Who cares if I’ve only played one Hitman game and didn’t really like it, I can get freakin’ FOUR of them for 5 dollars! That’s what Americans pay for hotdogs or a Big Mac or something.

That’s value.