Wall of Shame: The Games I’ve Never Played

Half-Life 2

I have this theory. It’s not exactly peer-reviewed, but it’s held up to years of empirical testing. My theory is this: everybody has a movie that they haven’t seen, that when they tell people they haven’t seen it, they get The Look.

You know the one I’m talking about; that look that exists somewhere between shock and disappointment, the look of silent judgment, the look that wonders if you had one of those weird families who didn’t have a television or if you were raised by wolves or something.

Now this is somewhat dependent on your peer group and your audience. If I told my friends I hadn’t seen The Notebook, for example, I’d likely get a nod of respect and a fist bump, or whatever it is we do at the awkward age of 26 where we’re trying desperately to hang on to our youth. My wife, on the other hand, would likely get The Look.

Think about it; what’s yours? Everybody has one. And if you read to the end, I’ll tell you mine.

That’s not the point of this column though. The point is that I have come to believe that this applies to games too. I’m ashamed to say I have more than one, so today I offer them up for your mockery and disappointment.

Dead Space Franchise

Yup, all of them.

Why is it so bad?

Well, first of all, these are really good games. At least, that’s what everyone tells me, including Metacritic.

Second, it’s a horror title. A pants-wetting, terrifying journey through space that’s difficult to play with the lights off. I love horror anything. I will watch those godawful horror movies that come out in spades annually and actually enjoy them.

Not to mention the whole franchise was released on PC too. Seriously, why the hell haven’t I played these games? I don’t even know myself.

Shame Level: 9/10

Man, what is that thing? I DON'T KNOW.
Man, what is that thing? I DON’T KNOW.

Halo Franchise


Why is it so bad?

Not playing Halo is a bit like not watching The Matrix or not reading Harry Potter. It’s just one of those games, the ones everyone has played at least one of.

Not this guy.

Sure I’ve dabbled here and there on friends’ consoles, but to be honest I never really enjoyed it. As you all probably know by now I’m strictly a PC guy, and in the early days of Halo I could just never quite bring myself to enjoy FPS on a console. Truth be told, I still can’t.

This is one of those that just may warrant The Look, but I’m not ashamed. I don’t like Halo, okay? There, I said it.

Shame Level: 2/10

Anything Zelda

I know. I’m sorry.

Why is it so bad?

Why? Because it’s freakin’ Zelda. Ocarina of Time sits comfortably atop most lists of greatest games ever, usually nestled amongst some other Zelda games.

This one feels like an enormous hole in my childhood, in my life. I feel like someone let me down, but truthfully I’ve let myself down. I’m not even going to waffle on about being a PC owner, I know you don’t want to hear it.

Freakin’ Zelda, man. I’m so sorry.

Shame Level: Infinity/10

This is hard to look at.
This is hard to look at.

Final Fantasy Anything

That’s right. Not even VII.

Why is it so bad?

Well there’ve been what, several hundred of these games? You’d think I could have at least managed to put some time in on one. Nope.

RPGs aren’t exactly my cup of Bovril, and JRPGs? C’maaaaan. I tried watching anime once, it was awful.

Still, this franchise is kind of a big deal, and I’ve kind of never played any of it. That’s bad, I suppose.


Shame Level: 3/10

Oh, I almost forgot. My movie is Top Gun. Now if you’re reading this and you’re still in high school that may not seem like a huge deal, but in the mid-late 20s crowd, you get The Look.

Now tell me, what are yours? I want to know everything.

P.S. You didn’t really think I hadn’t played Half-Life, did you?