Hot News This Week (That I Don’t Give A Toss About)

sims 4

Every week here on NAG Online I write a This Week In Gaming round-up of news from throughout the week.

Every week I have to sift through a crapton of news that I couldn’t care less about. Sometimes, I have to report on news that I don’t really care about either – because apparently a lot of other people do.

So then, to blow off some of this pent-up frustration, this week I’m going to tell you about all the things that happened that I couldn’t give a toss about.

The Last of Us: Remastered

Now I will say I was mildly interested in this for a few minutes or so, but every site I’ve been to has about four articles apiece about this game.

It’s like The Lord of the Rings trilogy was just released with a new cover and everyone forgot they’d read the damn thing already.

I can understand the excitement when an old-school classic is released with a massive graphics update (we all know how I tend to soak my underbritches at the very mention of Black Mesa), but this is a “remastering” of a game that came out LAST YEAR.

To me this feels like the most hilariously obvious money-grab, but apparently I’m alone. I’m starting to feel like Will Smith stepped in and MiB-flashed the entire planet while I was sitting atop the porcelain throne.

Ohhh, look at those flames. There's, like, more pixels or shadows or something.
Ohhh, look at those flames. There’s, like, more pixels or shadows or something.

Anything Destiny

Snore. I may just be a bitter PC player, but I just genuinely don’t think very much of this game. It seems okay, but honestly to me it just looks like an amalgamation of things we’ve seen before. You can’t poop on my chocolate sundae and declare it a new flavour.

The game has been in beta for a while now, so really there is no longer anything about this game that should interest anyone. You’ve played it. Do you really need a leaked list of the mission names or want to know what some anonymous writer thinks is the best weapon?

And if I see one more video comparing the game on Xbox One and PS4, I’m going to sell all my worldly possessions, strip naked, buy a Wii U and retreat into the mountains to play Mario Kart.

"I will crush you on the Rainbow Road."
“I will crush you on the Rainbow Road.”

Cliff Bleszinski Opened A Pub

Seriously, I don’t really care about anything Bleszinski anymore. Is he retired, is he not retired, is he making games or just releasing random generic images, who really knows?

Nope, nope, now’s he’s a restaurateur. He’s put his game design skills to use in the kitchen too, sharing tricks of the trade such as “keep your customers happy” and “dirty bathroom means dirty kitchen”.

He’s like the Dalai Lama of pub food.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t really have a problem with Cliff – he seems like a nice guy. But I just couldn’t give two tosses if he opened a restaurant; that seems like a mightily tenuous link to gaming.

We might as well report John Carmack’s hole-in-one at the golf club or Bobby Kotick’s next bowel movement. Just kidding we already cover the latter, it’s coming in November.

"Ohhh, ZING!"
“Ohhh, ZING!”

Any Video Game Movie

I get why people are interested in this, but I just don’t want to know. I don’t want to hear about The Last of Us movie with a has-been B-grade horror star and Arya Stark.

“But Sam Raimi’s a great director!” people who’ve never seen Spider-Man 3 exclaim loudly.

Anything to do with a video game movie is only going to end in disappointment. I’ve been burned too many times before, and until Hollywood actually manages to get one of these right, consider me out for now.

"When will the hurting stop? When?!"
“When will the hurting stop? When?!”

The Sims 4 System Requirements

Why do there need to be so many of these games? You get to walk people around a house doing mundane, routine things until you eventually cave in and set them all on fire.

Maybe that’s just how I played, but if I wasn’t murdering my neighbours at every opportunity, frankly I wasn’t having any fun. Still, how many iterations do we really need? They’ve already added sex to the game, do I really need the fourth (not fourth, by the way, probably the seventeenth) one so that I can get three new kinds of washer/dryer and unlock the ability to pee in the garden?

Spoiler: the game runs on a potato. You’ll need a hard drive, a screen and the innards of a calculator and you’re all set to play out your various homicidal fantasies.