Greetings NAG Online readers, and welcome to the only clickbait quiz you’ll ever need to take. You may have seen these types of quizzes on Facebook; what kind of shoe are you, which World War I fighter plane best matches your personality, which arctic mammal should you take on a date, etc. Those quizzes are, quite clearly, unequivocal loads of crap.
This one is different. Based in pure scientific method, with a 100% accuracy record (sample size: 1) and a series of questions which have been refined and perfected over the course of several minutes. I need to warn you – you may discover things about yourself you do not like, perhaps did not wish to know. I take zero responsibility for blown minds – all keyboards ruined by leaking brains are replaced at your own expense. Right, now that the legal stuff is out of the way, hit the jump. If you dare. And, as always, let me know which character you got in the comments.
Despite it’s internal complexity, taking this test is pretty straightforward. Next to each answer you’ll see a points rating. These points in no way reflect the awesomeness of the answer, they’re just part of my system – you wouldn’t understand, it’s got to do with like science and shit. Anyway, simply add up the points rating of all your answers and see which character best suits your personality below. Good luck!
1. You drive down to the shop to pick up some milk for your cereal. However, upon arriving, you discover that milk is somehow sold out. Do you…
A. Wander around the parking lot aimlessly, unsure what to do next? (1 pt)
B. Hulk-smash the cash register, fart on the bread and throw the employees through the front window? (4 pts)
C. Buy some soya milk and add a teaspoon of sugar to create an acceptable substitute? (2 pts)
D. Use a crowbar to slip into the employees only section, and find some milk in the staff fridge? (3 pts)
2. You get a text message from your friend, inviting you to the biggest houseparty of the year. Do you…
A. Shotgun three bottles of Klipdrift to warm up, rob a liquor store on the way and arrive just in time to murder everyone? (4 pts)
B. Reply that you’re on your way, only to have your friends find you five hours later in the park, crying and drinking your own urine? (1 pt)
C. Arrive on time, but sit in the corner sipping a beer all night, ignoring anyone who attempts to talk to you? (3 pts)
D. Stay home and do puzzles instead. (2 pts)
3. You see a mugger attempting to steal a woman’s purse, do you…
A. Smile and wave excitedly at them both? (1 pt)
B. Stop just long enough to shoot the mugger with a crossbow, before driving on stoically? (3 pts)
C. Challenge the mugger to a game of chess to settle the argument? (2 pts)
D. Kill the mugger with an axe. Kill the woman the same way, and then three nearby onlookers. (4 pts)
4. You come home to find your partner in bed with another. Do you…
A. This question does not apply to me. I don’t have “partners”, I don’t need anyone but me. (4 pts)
B. Cry uncontrollably and tell everybody at school? (1 pt)
C. I don’t sleep, therefore I don’t have a bed. Your question is invalid. (3 pts)
D. Settle the score like men. With a game of Risk. (2 pts)
5. You go to the library to take out a new book. The first book that catches your eye is…
A. The Twilight series, OMG! I’ve read it fourteen times but it’s never enough! (1 pt)
B. The Sudoku Lover’s Guide to Losing Friends and Not Influencing People (2 pts)
C. Manual of Quantum Physics, Fifth Edition (3 pts)
D. They all caught my eye. So naturally I destroyed every one of them. (4 pts)
6. An attractive girl/boy smiles at you on the bus. Do you…
A. Tip your hat to him/her and comment on the weather? (2 pts)
B. Try make a pop culture reference, fail, and urinate on your shoes? (1 pt)
C. Stare at him/her for a moment, before leaping up and down the bus uncontrollably while you wait for the ride to end? (3 pts)
D. Use his/her head as a battering ram to break open the bus door. Buses are for drunks and the elderly. (4 pts)
7. What’s your favourite television show?
A. The Sopranos (4 pts)
B. Powerpuff Girls (1 pt)
C. Murder She Wrote (2 pts)
D. Breaking Bad (3 pts)
Right, work out your score by adding up the points assigned to each answer and adding them up, then see where you fit in below.
25-28 points – Kratos
When confronted with a problem you don’t understand (read: all problems), you tend to hit it with something large to see if that works. Failing that, cutting it in half is always an option. You enjoy long massacres on the beach and romantic, candlelit skull-crushing.
Your friends describe you as “stubborn” yet energetic and always up for a drink. Just kidding, you killed all your friends; they don’t say anything at all.
19 – 24 points – Gordon Freeman
There literally isn’t a problem you don’t understand or can’t solve, up to and including the complete interstellar occupation of Earth. While your brain is your best asset, you’re not averse to the tried-and-tested method of hitting something/someone until it agrees with you.
Your friends describe you as introverted, but loyal. Just kidding, you don’t have any friends. Nobody wants to go drinking with a bearded Helen Keller who compulsively hops around the room whenever they’re trying to talk to you.
12 – 18 points – Professor Layton
Your parents raised you to be a gentleman and a scholar, and you believe there’s no place for violence in a civilised world. You love finding solutions to problems and unravelling mysteries, but somehow think that you can solve a murder with recycled thought experiments and children’s riddles.
Your friends describe you as “hands-on”, which is somewhat disturbing considering your only friend is a young child.
11 or less – That Moron from Hatoful Boyfriend
You’re an idiot. You may also be actively psychotic, the narrative isn’t clear. Either you’re someone who believes you go to a school for talking pigeons, or you actually do go to a school for talking pigeons – neither option is particularly impressive. You tend to try and solve problems that don’t exist, and clean your dishes in a washing machine. Did I mention you’re an idiot?
Your friends were too busy shitting on each other and squabbling over breadcrumbs to describe you, because they’re f**king pigeons.