Five things to NOT get a PC gamer on their birthday

rocket launcher

Just yesterday, Mr Wesley Fick celebrated his 67th birthday. In honour of this auspicious occasion, he decided to write a column about five great gifts for a PC gamer.

Great execution, poor timing – people had no doubt bought him far crappier gifts already. Today is not my birthday, but I won’t be making the same mistake he did. To help you make sure that your various misinformed friends and family members don’t ruin your special day with a garbage present, I’ve written this list of things to NOT buy a PC gamer on their birthday.

A boxed game

I’m going to frontload this one, because it’s the most important. A well-intentioned yet ignorant human trying to buy a present for a PC gamer may think heading down to CNA and picking whatever is in the #1 spot is a fantastic choice.

It is not. This strategy works with your run-of-the-mill console gamer, but it is a flawed approach for the superior species. The reason is simple – that R600 you spent on a game box and DVDs could have gotten two, three or four titles in digital sales.

What’s that you say, it was 20% off? Have you listened to a f**king word, Grandma? King Gaben gives us 90% off, so put your false teeth back in and get a damned refund. My Steam Wallet is waiting.

Wireless anything

You can buy a lot of wireless things for PCs. Keyboards, mouses, headphones etc.

Now I know all of you may not agree with me here, but all of these things are terrible. No self-respecting gamer can have his mouse crapping out on him in the middle of a ranked competitive match because his Duracell bunny couldn’t keep going after all.

They lose signal, they are prone to issues and frankly, a real gamer doesn’t care about a damned wire. The Nintendo Entertainment System was the greatest console of all time, and was that wireless?

No. No it was not.

Even the gun has a wire. Nice.
Even the gun has a wire. Nice.

A USB fan/torch/foam rocket launcher

I see this “Cool Gifts For Men!” kind of crap advertised all the time, but so far have managed to dodge actually receiving one.

I think the well-meaning individual thinks this kind of thing would be quirky and cool, but unfortunately they don’t realise one important thing – we need all our USB ports, and we can’t be wasting them on your stupid, ineffective air blower.

What kind of self-respecting gamer is going to arrive at a LAN party with a USB fan? Are you kidding me? A real gamer cools himself with the enormous after-market fans ventilating his overclocked hardware. C’mon.

An App Store gift card

Did you know this was a thing? You can buy these at Pick’n’Pay now, the world as we know it has surely begun its descent into madness.

This is a common mistake – thinking that a gamer is a gamer, and will enjoy anything gaming. If you see me playing Evolve and enjoying it, that does not mean I will enjoy flinging birds at flimsily constructed pig fortresses.

And just who the hell is spending money on the App Store anyway? Hell has a special place for people who pour money into Candy Crush.

You monsters.
You monsters.

A mousepad

This is probably the most well-intentioned gift on here that is secretly awful. Perhaps your partner is a gamer – it’s not really your thing, but you think a great gift for him/her would be a custom-printed mousepad of the two of you.

Or maybe you really went all out, and got a print of his/her favourite video game or video game character. How sweet of you.

Sweet… and idiotic. The relationship a gamer has with their mousepad is intimate and personal, it’s a closer bond than he/she has even with you. Do you think just any old rectangle of spongey crap will do?

C’mon. Here’s a list of things that can be wrong: size, texture, thickness, grip, material, firmness and emotional bond.

Yeah. Maybe put in on a mug instead.