the order 1886

During the course of my work here, I’m forced to peruse all the big gaming news every week. In doing so, I come across a lot of crap that disinterests me to the point that it makes me angry.

So then, as part of my court-prescribed anger-management therapy, I’m writing a column about everything that happened this month that I just couldn’t give a toss about.

Steam VR

So apparently His Majesty Gaben is bringing along some kind of VR device to GDC. Or was it Gamescom? I wasn’t really paying attention.

I used the word “device” up there because I don’t actually know what the hell it is – I assume it’s some kind of ridiculous set of goggles, but the needle on my give-a-shit-scale was so barely tweaked by this news that I didn’t even so much as read past the headline.

Ordinarily, anything Valve produced would get my attention. But then came the DreamCrusher 3.0 (or if we’re using its street name, the Steambox) to remind everyone that even the mighty Gaben can coil out a turd now and then, much like Blizzard reminded us with Diablo III.

Frankly, I think I’m just irked that I’m getting another Valve product that isn’t Half-Life 3.

I’m sure old Gaben is convinced that his nausea-inducing headache machine is really innovative, but I still think VR gaming is going to turn out like 3D movies – unwanted and mostly bad.

Anything to do with The Order: 1886

I get that this is a AAA release and everyone loves a good opportunity to hoist a pitchfork, but the situation has quickly devolved into a pack of desperate opportunists trying to jump on the clickbait bandwagon.

First, the trend was slating the hell out of the game’s measly five-hour campaign, which is obviously great entertainment. Who doesn’t love to see an epic fall from grace, and I confess I was in the front row with everyone else; popcorn in one hand, lotion in the other.

Then the real madness began. When ripping on the game stopped working, less scrupulous journos actually started defending it. One particularly bold headline claimed that the game being shorter than a Michael Jackson music video was actually a good thing.

This was the last video MJ did without makeup.

This was the last video MJ did without makeup.

Look, I can understand someone preferring a ten hour campaign to say, a fifty, but if I’m going to be getting “short and sweet”, I don’t want to be paying R700 for it. Five hours is what I’d expect from a $10 Steam download. Hell, I’ve had meals that lasted longer than that.

Okay, maybe just one meal. It was awful.

Xbox One vs PS4 pissing contests

Again, clickbait. Screenshots comparisons, 900p vs 1080p and all other manner of console showdowns are there simply to incite a fanboy battle in the comments. It usually works.

I think really though I just feel bad for the Wii U. Back in the last generation the Wii actually had a seat at the table; now it may as well not exist.

Let me solve this thing, once and for all. If you want the best exclusives, decent power and a crappy controller, get the PS4. If you want crappier exclusives, less power and an awesome controller, get the Xbox One. And if you want unlimited power, the largest variety of games and the undisputed best controller, get a PC.

Oh, and get a Wii U if you want to play something with Mario in it.

“Hottest Lara Croft cosplays of all time”

I don’t want to say I thought we were past this, because I didn’t. As long as the internet exists, there will be fedora-tipping neckbeards avoiding real social interaction, like the Dalai Lama at a swingers’ party.

And as long as these aforementioned neckbeards are spending 12+ hours per day online, there will be articles like this one trying to capitalise on all that clicking.

Besides, this is the INTERNET. It’s like, at least 80% porn*.

*You should know I haven’t researched that statistic, I’m just using my browsing history as a reference.

Yup, this checks out.

Yup, this checks out.

Anything to do with Rise of the Tomb Raider

While we’re on the subject of Lara Croft, let’s talk the Tomb Raider sequel. Or rather, let’s not. Does anyone reading this give a damn about that game?

I mean, how many of you own an Xbox One? Four? Seven? The PS4 had about a year’s headstart in SA, and gamers aren’t exactly renowned for their patience. The only Xbox Ones belong to those with deep pockets who like to have one of each console, and screw those people.

Ugh, I’m so pissed about this. The Tomb Raider reboot was easily one of my favourite games of the last five years, and I’m salty as hell that the next one won’t even be coming to PC.

Let the consoles duke it out, the PC takes no sides.