News I don’t care about – June Edition


It’s the last Wednesday of June, which seemed like a really good excuse to reflect on the headlines of June that were so hard for me to give any semblance of a crap about that I think I pulled a muscle.

Here’s a list of things that had more of an emotional impact on me than the news items below: Spur’s Monday burger special, a particularly moving Allan Gray advertisement, waking up and realising I still had ten minutes left to sleep and a funny shaped cloud.

The Last Guardian

I spent most of my E3 trying to figure out why everyone has a big furry erection for this game. I use the term “game” loosely here, as right now it’s pretty much a six-year old tech demo buoyed by the shattered hopes and dreams of the last true believers.

It looks like a damn mess. The developer sounds like a Japanese Peter Molyneux, getting just enough camera time to drop some buzzwords like artificial intelligence and mumble something about a “deep relationship”, presumably between you and that giant mass of disease that looks like it’s been scraped off the N1.

Honestly whenever Japanese devs talk about “deep relationships” with animals, my Spider-Sense starts tingling. And by Spider Sense I of course mean Tentacle-Monster-Anus-Porn-Sense.

Project Morpheus

I couldn’t give a two-dollar toss about Oculus Rift at this point, so you can imagine how little interest I have in its annoying stepchild.

Don’t get me wrong; competition is great for the industry and I think it’s wonderful that gamers are going to have a wide selection of which method of projectile-vomiting they’d like to spend several thousand rand on.

Really it needs some kind of a bucket attachment.
Really it needs some kind of a bucket attachment.

ZombiU is coming to PS4 and Xbox One

Wow. Oh wow. This is like a little gift from the gods of Shitty News.

A three year old, forgettable title that was practically the swan song of third party support for the console it was made for is coming to the next generation.

It feels like Ubisoft execs drained the company coffers on a teambuilding-turned-cocaine binge and went dumpster diving in search of an old title that could use a “remastering”.

Perhaps if we play our cards right, we’ll soon be sitting in front of our TVs playing the PS Vita’s most mediocre title of 2012.

The Division will no longer have a companion app

This is so unnewsworthy that even the poor dude writing it spent most of the space talking about insignificant it all is.

Perhaps he gets paid by the word and it’s his wife’s birthday, or perhaps he was going through an existential crisis whereby he was forced to contemplate his own ineffectiveness and lack of impact on the world.

Perhaps this internalised feeling of worthlessness built to a nihilistic fever pitch until one day, instead of facing another day of meaningless work in his cubicle, he skulled an entire bottle of children’s Panado and threw himself into a woodchipper.

Perhaps we need to decide if balancing a tablet on our laps like a circus chimp while playing the latest shooter is worth another internet journalist’s life.

Moment of silence for our fallen brother.
Moment of silence for our fallen brother.

Activision considers remastering the Call of Duty series

I don’t really understand this to be honest.

Activision releases a remastered Call of Duty every year.


Your Rust dong size is determined by your Steam ID

Just kidding – this is the most fascinating news of the month so far.

Looks kinda small. Must be Delano's.
Looks kinda small. Must be Delano’s.

The Hulk takes a selfie in new trailer for Lego Marvel’s Avengers

Just read that title again, slowly. It’s difficult, partly because the grammatical awkwardness of that game’s title would probably be the thing that finally kills Stephen Hawking.

This is the world we live in now. The Hulk, is taking selfies.

“But Chris!” you cry indignantly, tears welling in your eyes, “It’s funny! Have you even watched the video?”

Nope, but I also didn’t watch “Son of the Mask”.