News I don’t care about – July edition

shenmue 3

Hey everyone, it’s the second-last Wednesday of the month, and you all know what that means! It means I’ve run out of ideas and decided to write this a week early and hope you wouldn’t notice. But yesterday while I was soaring above the trees I saw a small child walking a three-legged frog on a leash, and I realised that there’s no room in our relationship for secrets. In unrelated news, it’s been eight days since I stopped complying with my state-mandated pharmacology regime, and I’ve never felt better. Hit the jump to see what pissed me off this month, or sent me into catatonic fits of disinterest.

Shenmue III

I watched my first trailer for this game just yesterday, and my initial reaction was, “What in the actual f**k is this s**t?”

That was also my second, third and fourth reactions, and later a fifth reaction during a particularly effortful bowel movement.

Seriously, look at this:

Are we seeing the same thing? Because to me, it looks like a couple of poorly animated characters gazing stupidly at some swamp beetles like they each just had an LSD enema off-screen.

Also rather disturbingly, it goes for what looks suspiciously like an upskirt shot a mere 12 seconds into a 38 second video. Which is preceded, of course, by a soulless, black-eyed monster masquerading as a protagonist who, judging by his outfit, seems to be some kind of amalgamation between a Neo-Nazi and a West Side Story extra.

When you get to the end of the trailer you come to the tragic realisation that this is supposed to be an actual video game, as opposed to a last-minute student project from the Hong Kong School of Crappy Design.

Rory McIlroy PGA Tour Review

Okay I’ll be honest, I cheated with this one. Because while I couldn’t give a flying foxtrot about this game or what other people think of it, I did do a double take when I realised Tiger had been axed.

I’m disappointed, really. This whole time I’d been waiting for a PGA Tour title where after every tournament you go into a Leisure Suit Larry-esque minigame at the 19th hole.

I wonder how EA broke up with Woods though? Do you think it was in person, or did they just SMS him? Perhaps they had DICE pass him a note after class.

Oculus snaps up hand sensing tech company

I wish Oculus and the like would stop pretending their paltry versions of VR are going to be used for gaming or other legitimate endeavours.

It’s a bit like those stoner friends you know always campaigning for “medical marijuana”, as if they aren’t all going to come down with a wicked case of carpal tunnel the second the law is passed.

What Oculus needs to come to terms with is that the only people who have an interest in using their technology are probably going to have their hands otherwise occupied while they’re doing it.

Yeah, you know.
Yeah, you know.

Rise of the Tomb Raider

Now I know you’re all thinking I don’t care about this because it’s an Xbox One exclusive, and I want to clear the air right now.

You’re right, that’s exactly why I don’t care about this game.

F**k you Microsoft, I thought we were bros. You said things would be different with Windows 10.

Critical Windows security vulnerability discovered

People love to freak out about stuff like this. “Ermagerd,” they may say, anxiously tugging on their neckbeard as the sweat begins to accumulate under the brim of their fedora, “Mah PRIVACY!”

Let me let you in on a little secret though – nobody cares. Nobody is interested in your Sokkie-Treffers collection or your album of bathroom selfies. Imagine you had a key that unlocked any door in the world – would your first stop be a shithole apartment in Kempton Park? Exactly.

It’s just like when everybody was losing their collective shit over the NSA listening to their phonecalls. Have they stopped? Are you sure? Nobody cares anymore; there’s something new to be indignant about on social media. Maybe it’s that time of year when everyone gets enraged about f**king honeybees or whatever.

YOU don't need to. Seriously, the bees are fine.
YOU don’t need to. Seriously, the bees are fine.

Origin Accounts are being renamed to EA accounts

I’m trying to think of something that has impacted me less than this news, and I’m coming up short.

The ad at the bottom of the webpage I saw this had a greater effect on me than the news itself; which is surprising considering I had AdBlock on. Essentially, a blank space where an advertisement should be was more stimulating than this piece of news.

And who the hell is still using Origin anyway? If you don’t have direct shortcuts to your Origin games, you’re doing it wrong.

This is like McDonald’s changing their Filet-O-Fish burger to the Fish Filet burger, and it somehow making the news. If you’re one of those special breed of sub-humans who think it’s okay to order a goddamn fish burger from McDonald’s, you probably wouldn’t recognise the name change anyway.