Five reasons why I’m not recommending a Windows 10 upgrade

windows 10 reservation install

EDITOR’S NOTE: This article is intended to be satirical. If your sense of humour tripped and fell down a well to its doom many years ago, turn back now. Seriously. There are sharp corners here, and you’re only going to hurt yourself.

If you’re looking for an actual, in-depth, pseudo-scientific analysis of SHOULD I WINDOWS 10?!, please read this.

In the past few weeks you’ve likely heard a lot about Windows 10; some good, some bad.

But all of it is based on fiction – I’m here to give you truth, at great personal risk. For some of you, it’s probably already too late. Fortune favours the bold, but not the quick. The quick usually die immediately. You people need to watch Braveheart. Anyways, if you are updating, stop now. Read this first, so you know exactly what you’re getting yourself into, and why upgrading to Windows 10 might be the worst thing you ever do.

What happened to Windows 9?

This stinks of a coup d’état.

The wholly legitimate Windows 9 was going to come out with shitty touchscreen tech and Metro screens nested within other Metro screens, and then some kind of Microsoft mutiny happened.

It’s all very hush-hush, but my friends on the Illuminati member message boards are saying Windows 9’s corpse is buried somewhere out in Arizona, underneath a McDonald’s.

Now we have Windows 10, with its blatant lack of concern for touch screens and a flashy new browser, hoping to distract all of us from those automatic updates that can’t be stopped.

Forced updates? I’m sorry I thought we were living in South Africa, not communist Russia.

They’re literally giving it away for free

Here’s the thing – everybody loves free shit. We don’t even care that it’s terrible. That flashstick you got with your Cosmopolitan subscription is guaranteed to self-corrupt within a few months; almost like it couldn’t handle another megabyte of disturbing fetish porn and decided to seppuku.

That free T-shirt you got at the Justin Bieber concert is sure to last half a day or so before making your skin look like you just escaped a leper colony.

But not everything free is as harmless. If a crazy hobo standing at the robots drops his half-eaten sandwich in the car before you can get your window all the way up, are you going to eat it?

What if it’s a meatball sandwich? You might get Hep C but meatballs are f**king delicious. These kinds of decisions are hard to make, so let me give you some perspective.

Here are some other things that are free: AIDS. Smelly dogs. Nazi dictatorships. SABC 2. Load shedding. This column.

Point is, not everything free is something you want.

Did you know Windows 10 is available for free to pirates? That’d be like someone robbing the Subway of all their meatball sandwiches and them asking to punch his loyalty card on the way out.

There’s only one reason Microsoft would be so desperate for everybody to have Windows 10.

I'm sorry Arnold, you tried to warn us.
I’m sorry Arnold, you tried to warn us.

There’s an Xbox app

Honestly, I haven’t seen coding this sloppy since Arkham Knight.

Clearly this is an OS that was originally meant for consoles, and now it’s just being forced onto PCs as some kind of an afterthought.

I’ve seen some pretty dodgy PC ports in my time, but to have an entire irrelevant Xbox program just shows they don’t even care anymore.

You’ll probably get a dialog box at some point telling you to press Square-Circle-X to open up Task Manager. It’s time us PC owners took a stand on this blatant disrespect to our platform.

It’s the same size as Windows 8

Doesn’t this seem weird to you?

I mean, if this Windows 10 thing is so revolutionary and amazing, why is it EXACTLY THE SAME SIZE. What did they even change? The background?

Imagine you go and buy a meatball sandwich and the guy behind the counter says wait, would you like to try our new mega improved meatball sandwich? Being a meatball sandwich enthusiast and all-around meat-in-bread veteran, you eagerly agree. So he takes your sandwich behind the counter, disappears for two years and comes back with something exactly the same size. Doesn’t that seem OFF to you?

I haven’t exactly crunched the numbers, but I know both Windows 8 and Windows 10 are around the 4GB mark. Which leaves them a couple of hundred megs to work with, at most.

Just enough space to change a few menus here and there, give the whole thing a fresh coat of paint to make you think it’s new and different when really it’s just there to watch you through your webcam and send e-mails from your account and photograph you on the toilet and stuff.

Windows 10 is anti-government

So naturally I’ve been suspicious of the new Windows regime for quite some time, and was pleased to see that our very own Wesley Fick was taking it into his own hands to do a bit of Nancy Drew work himself.

Imagine my disgust and outrage when I saw this image in his final instalment in a five-part series:

Hard to look at, isn't it?
Hard to look at, isn’t it?

This clearly and unequivocally shows Windows 10’s anti-government views, and at this point we can only assume Silicon Valley has been overrun with communists.

I admire Mr Fick’s bravery in making this public, at great risk to his own safety. Just last week a genetically-modified shark was sent to his home in Jeffrey’s Bay to silence him, which was bravely fought off by professional surfer and Windows Vista apologist Mick Fanning.

Mr Fanning may know dick about operating systems, but he does know how to hook a shark right in the bleedin’ gabber. (Apologies for the cockney vernacular, I find varying my speech patterns helps me remain undetected)

Windows 10 is flaunting their power in our faces, but their victory is premature. We can still stop them. All you need to do is resist the urge to “upgrade”, and share this article all over social media and billboards and write to Dane personally and tell him how much you enjoyed it. He likes it when you spray a little cologne on the envelope.

If you don’t hear from me next week, I’m probably dead. Please feed my dog and bury me in a volcano.