Six things I want to see at the Ubisoft Theme Park

abandoned roller coaster theme park

In case you somehow missed it, Ubisoft have announced that they’re opening their very own theme park in Kuala Lumpur (for those wondering, that’s in Malaysia, not Lenasia).

It’s safe to assume that this theme park will be full of rides based on the various characters, storylines and themes from Ubisoft titles.

That’s all well and good, but I have different, far better ideas. My suggestions are every bit as thematic, they’re just a little more on point – real fans love the authentic feel, after all. So then, here are six things I’d like to see at the Ubisoft theme park.

The surprise house of horrors

This would be the most epic horror house of all, because you thought you were going on a nice historical tour. The upside to this is that the ride will generally be full of old people who die easily when exposed to surprises.

All it takes is one for the entire bingo group to go down at once and Ubisoft will get all kinds of free publicity. And judging by their PR team, no publicity is bad publicity, so really it’s a win-win.

Perhaps I should explain how this ride works. On the outside, you’re promised a richly detailed, cinematic tour of 18th century France at the time of the Revolution, with realistic characters and interwoven storylines. Once you’re on your way, however, the first thing you’ll see is this:

"Surprise, grandma!"
“Surprise, grandma!”

And the horror continues from there. The best thing about this is that even Ubisoft don’t know their historical tour is secretly a haunted house, so the staff never give anything away. Flawless.

Starforce-inspired tickets

Ubisoft is well-known and well-loved for taking a hard stance on illegal copying of their games. Such a hard stance in fact, that while the criminals and thieves of the world criticised extreme DRM like Starforce for remaining permanently on their computers and corrupting their files, Ubisoft pressed on with it nobly.

To honour this, I propose that every entrant to the park has their unique ticket code tattoo’d onto their body, to prevent any unauthorised swapping or scamming.

And just to keep things thematic, the ink will contain a deadly haemorrhagic virus that will slowly and brutally murder you from the inside.

Ye olde bait and switch

This is a Ubisoft classic everyone can appreciate. This is a ride that will have the most hype when you go in – enormous posters, signs, the works. When you see it from the outside, you’ll see only parts of it – giant rollercoaster tracks coming out of the building at absurd heights.

You’ll be foaming at the mouth by the time you get to the front of the queue, where you’ll be told this ride costs extra; being the flagship attraction and all. This is a price you’ll pay happily. Perhaps you even elected to buy your ticket through pre-order, in which case you’ll get a sucker at the end of the ride, because French publishers love metaphors.

Of course once you get in, you’ll find a broken swing set being pulled by a three-legged donkey. Your fault for not noticing all the staff wearing an “iconic” baseball cap.

Next year, however, there’ll be a newer, bigger ride with the caption “we’ve learnt from our mistakes”. That one will have a donkey with four legs.

Think of the donkey, man. He gets tired, like, 25% faster than a regular one.
But it’ll be a baby. You see what happens when you pre-order? You sick bastard.

The cinematic rollercoaster

This will be the sleeper hit of the park. What’s better than a rollercoaster? A rollercoaster that goes half the speed, that’s what.

It’ll climb all the way to the top, and then as you’re about to take the huge plunge it will slide smoothly to the bottom – JUST LIKE IN THE MOVIES!

DLC seatbelts

Another rollercoaster moneymaker. Again, we do the slow creep all the way to the top, letting the anticipation build.

Then, just as the coaster is about to plunge down the other side, it comes to a standstill and everybody’s seatbelt flies open. A Speedpoint appears in front of you, asking you to swipe your credit card if you’d like to enable the Don’t Die DLC.

This coaster will have three loops in it, just to make sure we kill off all those dirty pirates who don’t pay.

Bottom lit in red lights for obvious reasons.
Bottom lit in red lights for obvious reasons.

Pirate themed ride (only for PC players)

Here’s a twist – a Ubisoft product that is a PC exclusive.

This ride will only be open to card-carrying members of the PC master race, all potential ride-goers will be asked to change three modules of RAM, reconnect a computer’s reset button and successfully update graphics drivers before being allowed into a seat.

Ride-goers will be given pirate hats and “temporary” (not temporary) face tattoos before embarking on what will turn out to be a 7-hour dramatic reading of the uPlay Terms and Conditions while the “You Wouldn’t Download A Car” music plays in the background.