News I don’t care about – September Edition

daniel radcliffe gta gamechangers

Welcome to the sporadic not-quite-monthly feature where I get mad and talk about all the inane, asinine, irrelevant and prolapse-inducing drivel that passed itself off as news this month.

So if you’re having a bad day or just want to ruin a good one, hit the jump.

Cliff Bleszinski

Much like Stikeez and Kim Kardashian’s ass, I don’t really give a toss about this guy or what he’s doing.

It might be because he has a stupid haircut and a pretty face, or perhaps because he announced his “retirement” at age 30 like he was a Persian prince who just Lannister’d the King and not a guy who brainstorms ideas for video games.

He’s made it back in the news with some F2P shooter effort, and I spent the best part of twenty minutes trying to force my way through the literary masturbation that he curiously called an announcement. He started to lose me somewhere around the moon splitting in half and us not all being hilariously dead, and by the time I got to “gravity pockets” I was catatonic.

Notch is bored of spending money

Speaking of bad haircuts, Minecraft creator Notch something-Swedish made the news this month in some kind of a “human interest” story that referred to a bunch of sad tweets he made about how lonely it is having billions of dollars and having wild island parties and stealing George Clooney’s last Nespresso pod or whatever hilarious shenanigans these rich folk get up to.

My favourite of the lot was the one where he lamented having to “wait for his friends to finish work” before hanging out. Poor bastard.

I have a bunch of really mean stuff I want to say about Notch, but I feel like he has a hard enough life as it is.

Maybe he could some of that cash and despair on a new hat.
Maybe he could spend some of that cash and despair on a new hat.

That atrocious GTA film

You know what’s worse than a GTA movie adaptation made by the f**king British?

Now I know you’re expecting me to say Daniel Radcliffe, and you’d be right. That is worse. But that’s kind of cheating, because AIDS is also worse. Probably. And Banana Pro-Nutro, because who the actual f**k is keeping that on the shelves.

But even worse than all of that (except the Pro-Nutro), is a movie that’s not actually an adaptation at all, it’s about making a game.

I managed my way through about 75% of a two minute trailer, a personal best of mine for movies that make me want to claw out my eyeballs, bury them in a box of hardened faeces and salt the earth so nothing will ever grow there again.

The dialogue seems to have been written by a nine year old who told their class they want to be Aaron Sorkin when they grow up and I can’t help but feel like the cinematography is going to be comprised mostly of close-ups of Radcliffe’s sweaty brow as he furiously codes on IE6 and Notepad or some shit. When, of course, he’s not in court saying things that sound clever to people who score “ate the answer sheet” on their IQ tests.

If I wanted to see close-ups of sweaty man-faces, I’d watch eTV at midnight or film myself taking a dump. Again.

I'll get the salt.
I’ll get the salt.

Backwards compatibility

I feel like backwards compatibility is like the Double Crunch burger. Everybody wanted it, went apeshit when they heard it was coming, and then when it finally came it tasted like someone had peeled f**king roadkill off the N1 and smeared it on a bun with the wrong sauce and laughed hysterically as they counted the money of desperate, hollow-eyed fried chicken lovers who had waited more than five years for this moment only to be thrown into a despair so great they shaved their eyebrows and hid their feet in Fruit Loops boxes.

Not all of that is directly relevant to backwards compatibility, but the point I’m so succinctly communicating here is that everybody thought it was a great feature then realised they didn’t really want it. Kind of like smart watches or anal sex.

Batman Arkham Knight skin pack

Imagine my disappointment upon reading this article that the skins I would get would change the appearance of the characters in the game.

The skin I was hoping for was the one that changes the game from a broken pile of unplayable shit into something resembling a AAA title.

I guess that’s coming in the next pack.

Dead Island MOBA shutting down

There’s a Dead Island MOBA?

Final Fantasy 14 is not on Xbox One

People own Xbox Ones?


<Insert sequel here> accidentally revealed

This is not news. When a game makes enough money to keep the devs swimming in Doritos for the next decade, there will be another one.

There is ALWAYS another one.

It’s like that time when I was hanging out with Harvey over at Activision and he said the funniest thing while I was signing that NDA about the Call of Duty coming out next year and –

Oh. Oh no. Did I just accidentally reveal a Call of Duty title next year?