5 things no gamer ever wants to hear

annoyed person

When it comes to gamers, there are certain universal truths. Consoles are better than PCs. PCs are better than consoles. The Wii U is better than nothing. The Vita is a robust paperweight/doorstop.

We all love caffeine, we all have promiscuous mothers and we all hate Activision.

Below then, are things that we all hate – certain things that we never, ever want to hear from anyone.

“Please pause that and…”

This still gives me PTSD-level flashbacks. You’ve managed to flame your team into action, have crawled back from a 20 kill deficit and are poised to take control of the game when…

Dinnertime. Or come-say-hello-to-your-aunts-time. Or help-me-carry-this-shopping-in time. It was always some form of time that wasn’t teabag-the-enemy-time.

Somehow, in over seven years of living at home and playing games on the internet, my parents could never quite grasp the concept of “can’t be paused”.

Of course, in retrospect it was probably more the “won’t” that annoyed them rather than the “can’t”. Despite my best efforts to convince them otherwise, winning infinite DotA matches wasn’t something that was viewed as particularly important.

Hell, my mom couldn’t even say “DotA” without looking like someone had just pooped in her cereal.

“Oh I love games! Do you play Farmville?”

There’s a reason gamers hate so-called “casual” gaming. There’s a reason every time one of those articles comes out that the average gamer is a 43-year old woman there’s a bunch of dudes in the comments bitching about Candy Crush.

Gamers spent a fairly large amount of time as a marginalised group. It was its own subculture, its own identity – it helped us to define our relationships, ourselves and our viewpoints.

Everybody wants to be a special snowflake, and, perhaps ironically, being part of a group helps one to do that.  The more people who identify as gamers, the bigger that group gets, which dilutes the identity. Boundaries need to be rigid.

That’s where Granny’s strawberries come in – they don’t fit the criteria. We’ve already decided what a “gamer” is, and Uncle Tony and his twice a day-invite to come and tour his f**king turnip farm can f**k right the hell off.

"Yes, Aunt Shelly, it is very 'Christmas-y'."
“Yes, Aunt Shelly, it is very ‘Christmas-y’.”

*Phone/doorbell/actual bell rings*

A brief moment of silence for all the people who have interrupted me while trying to play a game.

An apology for the grumpy mood, the awkward moments where I wasn’t paying attention and then tried to actually respond to what was just said, those three Jehovah’s Witnesses I axe-murdered and the pizza delivery guy rotting in my shed outside.

Whether you’re playing online or not, gaming is just one of those things that needs to be uninterrupted. Other people wander into imaginary caves looking for their spirit animals, we wander through post-apocalyptic wastelands looking for sweet loot.

Except when you open that promising looking chest instead of finding a magical halberd with +4 to all attributes you find a ringing cellphone and it’s your girlfriend and she needs you to come pick her up because the party ended four hours earlier than it was supposed to and you’ll just never believe what that bitch Rebecca said to her just like you’ll never know what’s at the bottom of that cave you were about to explore.


“Aren’t you a little old for that?”

The beauty of this particular chestnut is that it can be communicated rather effectively non-verbally, with a pair of rolled eyes, a downturned look of disdain or, my personal favourite, an open-mouthed “Ah”.

Being 28, I’m apparently supposed to dedicate my time to more “adult” pursuits, like destroying my liver over the course of a provincial rugby game or fly-fishing or playing golf or whatever the hell these poor bastards who don’t know the glory of gaming spend their free time doing.

To be fair, most of the people who give me this kind of comment can remember using a phone with two hands and have similarly misguided pearls of wisdom such as “a nice day out shouldn’t cost a thing”.

That’s a cool story Gramps, but how’s about you make like a silent movie and shut the hell up.

"Here, take this bitchslap with you."
“Here, take this bitchslap with you.”

“This will benefit everyone” – developer/publisher

Here’s the thing – if I need to be convinced something in a game is good, it probably isn’t.

More and more it feels like the people making the games are completely out of touch with the people who play them.

So much so that when they do something gamers hate, the general response is “no, no you’ve got it all wrong, this is why it’s actually totally excellent”.

When a company says something you hate is in actual fact “good for everyone”, put the quote through Google Translate and it will come up with something like “good for me, actually, and f**k the rest of you”. Google knows all.

My favourite for these is when something is getting removed or downgraded in some way, and it’s made out like a benefit.

“The new Macbook has no USB ports, you’ll love it because you’re FORCED to buy our overpriced wireless peripherals! Woohoo!”

Or the never gets old, “We use 30fps intentionally because it feels more cinematic.”

And this one that still hurts, “The game will be better without dedicated server browsing, matchmaking is better and more convenient.”

One of my recent favourites is Fallout 4, when after everyone criticised the graphics the company came out and told everyone actually the graphics are amazing. Oh well, at least the game is cinematic.